Nut Jokes And Puns

We know you’ll go nuts over these funny nut jokes and puns and walnut be disappointed, but please try and stay c-almond not laugh too much!

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Funny Nut Jokes

What did the nut say when chasing the other nut?

I’m a cashew.

What’s the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

Beer nuts cost about $5 a bag and Deer nuts are just under a Buck.

I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.

I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

Archaeologists have uncovered a mummy in Egypt covered in nuts and chocolate.

They believe it’s Pharaoh Roche.

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

To keep their nuts dry.

What’s yellow, smells of almonds and swings from cake to cake?


I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady.

She said to me, “Sonny, would you like some nuts? I’ve got a couple of hazelnuts and almonds if you’d like.”

“Sure,” I replied.

Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

“What a nice lady,” I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.

A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts.

I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.

After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.

I asked her, “Why don’t you eat them yourself?”

“Because we’ve got no teeth,” she replied.

“Then why do you buy them?” I asked.

“Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them.”

Why couldn’t the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?

Because it was one tough nut to crack.

What kind of nut goes into space?

An astro-nut.

Do you ever wonder why nuts are good for your brain?

It’s food for thought.

My friend told me about a wonder food that he discovered that contains protein, fiber, and good fats

“That’s nuts!” I exclaimed.

Her: I’ll have the salad, no nuts, please.

Waiter: Of course.

Me: It didn’t say it had nuts.

Her: I’m allergic, so I tell them to be safe.

Me: That makes sense.

Waiter: And for you?

Me: Steak, no bees, please.

Who answers the door at the nut house?

The peanut buttler.

What’s the most common name for female peanuts?


What do squirrels drink on a tropical vacation?

Peanut Coladas.

I was going to start an all cashew diet.

But then I realized that’s just nuts.

Do you know why it’s called almond milk?

Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.

What do lawyers snack on?


What does a nut sound like when it sneezes?

Ca ca cashew.

I met some chess players in the hotel lobby.

They were bragging about how good they are.

It was chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Did you hear the joke about the peanut, the cashew and the walnut?

It was nut funny.

Did you know that TON spelled backwards is NUT?

No it’s not.

Why did the squirrel ask for a pay rise?

He was paid peanuts.

What did the angry nut say to the other nut?

Cashew outside how ’bout dat?

What do you call a nut stuck to the wall?

A walnut.

How do you get a squirrel to like you?

Act like a nut.

What do you call a walnut that likes to exercise?

A health nut.

What do squirrels watch on TV?


What’s the most disgusting type of nut?

The cash-ew.

What do you get when you cross a nut with a whale?

A nar-walnut.

What nuts can you wear on your feet?

A pair of cashews.

What do you call a nut with facial hair?

A mustachio.

What is an acorn?

In a nut shell, it’s an oak tree.

Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?

The inter-nut.

ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.

ALDI’s nuts.

Not every legume can be a nut.

But a pea can.

What did the bread say to the peanut butter?

I think you’re nuts.

Which nut is worth the most?


How do you catch an elephant?

Act like a peanut.

Which nuts are the worst for your diet?


How do nuts have fun during the summer?

They go to acorn-ival.

Jokes About Nuts

If you enjoyed these hilarious puns and jokes about nuts, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, such as these: