Mistletoe Jokes And Puns

These funny mistletoe jokes and puns are certainly worthy of a kiss! So don’t hang around, enjoy them now while they’re in season!

Header image for a page of funny mistletoe jokes and puns.

Funny Mistletoe Jokes

Why do pies like mistletoe?

Because they like to pukka up.

I was at a Christmas party when I saw a stunning German girl.

I noticed she was standing directly underneath the mistletoe so I approached her and asked flirtatiously, “Ooh, what’s that little thing above you?”

She said, “It’s called an umlaut.”

Instead of mistletoe, we should hang up green citrus fruits.

So when you stand under them, you’ll feel sublime.

What action figure do you hang up at Christmas?

G.I. MistleJoe.

A lumberjack is working at Christmas.

He is cutting down a tree when suddenly a huge branch fell down just next to him, almost crushing the front of his foot.

The lumberjack sighed in relief and said:

I always knew they would mistletoe.

Athletes get athlete’s foot. What do astronauts get?

Mistletoe (missile-toe).

What rock band does mistletoe love to listen to?


Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve.

They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven.

On entering they must present something relating to or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties.

Confused at this last gesture, St Peter asks, “How do these represent Christmas?”

“They’re Carol’s.”

Why doesn’t mistletoe grow up dogwood trees?

It’s afraid of the bark.

Where does mistletoe go to become famous?

Holly Wood.

How do you make a Christmas tree laugh?

You tickle the mistletoe.

Why was all of the mistletoe growing up one tree?

It was a poplar tree.

What’s it called when Mrs Claus’s trousers are too tight?


Where’s the best place to get a Christmas goose?

Under the mistletoe.

What looks like half a mistletoe leaf?

The other half.

I was teaching my dyslexic friend how mistletoe works.

I don’t think he stoodunder it.

I started carrying mistletoe in my pocket…

So everyone can kiss my butt.

Why did Santa Claus go to the podiatrist?

He thought he had mistletoe.

How did the mistletoe leaves and the pine needles get along?

They signed a peace tree-ty.

What do you call it when military mistletoe doesn’t return on time?

Absent without leaf.

You’re so ugly, at Christmas we hang you up and kiss the mistletoe.

Jokes About Mistletoe

If you enjoyed these puns and jokes about mistletoe, be sure to take a look around the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, such as these:

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