Christmas is over and it’s a time for making – and usually almost immediately breaking – those New Year’s resolutions.
So to help you see in the new year with a smile, here’s all our favorite funny New Year quotes…
Funny New Year Quotes
The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to. ~ P.J. O’Rourke
I can’t believe it’s been a year since I didn’t become a better person. ~ Unknown
Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to. ~ Bill Vaughan
My New Year’s resolutions are:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you’ve met your New Year’s resolution. ~ Jay Leno
Many years ago I resolved never to bother with New Year’s resolutions, and I’ve stuck with it ever since. ~ Dave Beard
You want me to spend more time with Dad? What about my New Year’s resolution? ~ Homer Simpson
Ever new year is the direct descendant, isn’t it, of a long line of proven criminals? ~ Ogden Nash
Good resolutions are simply cheques that men draw on a bank where they have no account. ~ Oscar Wilde
Women get a little more excited about New Years Eve than men do. It’s like an excuse: you drink too much, you make a lot of promises you’re not going to keep; the next morning as soon as you wake up you start breaking them. For men, we just call that a date. ~ Jay Leno
May the New Year bring you courage to break your resolutions early! My own plan is to swear off every kind of virtue, so that I triumph even when I fall! ~ Aleister Crowley
New Year’s Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive. ~ Jay Leno
The only way to spend New Year’s Eve is either quietly with friends or in a brothel. Otherwise when the evening ends and people pair off, someone is bound to be left in tears. ~ W.H. Auden
A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. ~ Unknown
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. ~ Bill Vaughn
This New Years I was going to make a resolution never to be late again, but I didn’t wake up until January 2nd. ~ Melanie White
He who breaks a resolution is a weakling; He who makes one is a fool. ~ F.M. Knowles
I would say happy new year but it’s not happy; it’s exactly the same as last year except colder. ~ Robert Clark
I do think New Year’s resolutions can’t technically be expected to begin on New Year’s Day, don’t you? Since, because it’s an extension of New Year’s Eve, smokers are already on a smoking roll and cannot be expected to stop abruptly on the stroke of midnight with so much nicotine in the system. Also dieting on New Year’s Day isn’t a good idea as you can’t eat rationally but really need to be free to consume whatever is necessary, moment by moment, in order to ease your hangover. I think it would be much more sensible if resolutions began generally on January the second. ~ Helen Fielding
My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging about with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions. ~ Unknown
My new years resolution is not to shovel snow. Since I’m gonna be in Florida, I feel pretty good about it. ~ Greg Tamblyn
I’m going to order a pizza 5 minutes before the New Year and when it arrives I’ll say, “I ordered this damn pizza a year ago.” ~ Unknown
New Year’s Day – Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can being paving hell with them as usual. ~ Mark Twain
This year my New Year’s resolution was to stop saying “Seacrest, out!” after I ejaculate. ~ Zach Galifianakis
May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions. ~ Joey Adams
New Year Quotes
If you enjoyed these funny New Year quotes, have a look at all our other funny quotes collections too.