New Year is a time to celebrate the dawn of a new year and the chance for new beginnings. And what better way to celebrate than with these funny New Year jokes and puns!
Happy New Year, we hope it’s a good one!
On New Year’s Eve, Bill was in no shape to drive having had a few too many, so he sensibly left his car in the car park and walked home.
As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a cop.
“What are you doing out here at four o’clock in the morning?” asked the officer.
“I’m on my way to a lecture,” answered Bill.
“And who in their right mind is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year’s Eve?” asked the cop sarcastically.
“My wife,” slurred Bill grimly.
What kind of toilet do French people use on January 1st?
A New Year’s Bidet.
Jim is at a New Year’s party when he turns to his friend, Brian, and asks for a cigarette.
Brian says to him, “I thought you’d made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking?”
Jim replies, “I’m in the process of quitting. Right now, I’m in the middle of phase one.”
“Phase one?” asks Brian
“Yeah,” laughs Jim. “I’ve quit buying.”
What happens every year when the Time Square Ball drops?
Justin Bieber gets jealous.
What’s the forecast for New Years Eve?
Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
What happened to the Irish man who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year?
He gave up thinking.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.
What is a New Year’s resolution?
Something that goes in one year and out the other.
My New Year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full…
With either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
My wife still hasn’t told me what my New Year’s resolutions are.
Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up for New Year.
Middle age is when you’re forced to.
A drunk man walks into a bar and says, “Happy New Year, everybody.”
The bartender says to him, “We’re in the middle of June, you drunken fool.”
The drunk says, “Oh my God, my wife is going to kill me! I’ve never been so late in all my life!”
What does it mean if you were born in September?
That your parents started the new year with a bang.
What do dead beat Dads make on New Year’s Day?
New Year’s restitution.
What’s a digital camera’s New Year’s resolution?
What is corn’s favorite holiday?
New Ears Day.
What’s a cow’s favorite holiday?
Moo Year’s Day.
What do you say to someone you didn’t see on New Year’s Eve?
I haven’t seen you for a year!
What does a field grow on January 1st?
New Year’s hay.
What did Stephen like to be called on December 31st?
New Year’s Steve.
What did Che Guevara make on New Year’s Day?
A New Year’s revolution.
An Irish girl returns home for New Year.
When she got there, her Dad said to her, “Where have you been all this time? Why did you not write to us, not even a single line? Why didn’t you call?”
The girl started to cry as she replied, “Dad, I became a prostitute.”
Her Dad shouted in rage, “Whaaatt!!? Get out of here you shameless harlot! You’re a disgrace to this family.”
The girl answered, “OK, Daddy. If that’s your wish, that’s what I’ll do; I understand. First though, I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, the title deeds to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for £7 million. And for my little brother, I brought this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside. Oh yes, plus a membership to the country club and an invitation for you all to spend a fun New Year’s Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and…”
Her Dad interrupted her, “Now what was it you said you had become, again?”
The girl started crying again as she said, “A prostitute, Dad!”
Her Dad said, “Oh! You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant. Come here and give your old man a hug!”
An old woman called her husband during his drive home on New Year’s Eve,
“Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!”
Herman replied, “It’s not just one car, Ethel. There’s hundreds of them!”
Happy New Year Puns & Jokes
If you enjoyed our collection of Happy New Year jokes and puns, be sure to check out the rest of our site for lots more laughs including these other holiday jokes: