A selection of funny Halloween quotesFunny Halloween Quotes

Halloween is a time for dressing up, trick-or-treating and all-round having fun. These Halloween quotes sum up the funny side of what has become a hugely popular occasion.

Enjoy them!

Last Halloween was bad for me. I got beat up. I went to a party dressed as a piñata. ~ Jim Samuels

The only thing that really scares me about Halloween is running out of candy. ~ Melanie White

I don't know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids. ~ Robert Brault

Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, 'Never take candy from strangers.' And then they dressed me up and said, 'Go beg for it.' I didn’t know what to do! I’d knock on people’s doors and go, 'Trick or treat.' 'No thank you.' ~ Rita Rudner

Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it. ~ Lindsay Lohan

When I was 12, I went as my mother for Halloween. I put on a pair of heels, went door to door, and criticized what everyone else was wearing. ~ Robin Bach

Ducking for apples - change one letter and it's the story of my life. ~ Dorothy Parker

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Be sure to remember when Halloween is. Answering the door when you're three-quarters crocked and finding a pack of midget H-Men, Masters of the Universes on the front porch can be a scary experience if you're not expecting it. ~ P. J. O'Rourke

I would love if gay men responded to me. All I want is for many gay men to dress up as me for Halloween. ~ Mindy Kaling

Proof of our society's decline is that Halloween has become a broad daylight event for many. ~ Robert Kirby

I'll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. ~ Anonymous

I think my mother-in-law is the only person who dresses up on Halloween - just so she won’t scare the kids. ~ Melanie White

Some people are born for Halloween, and some are just counting the days until Christmas. ~ Stephen Graham Jones

When I was a kid my parents always sent me out as a tramp: high-heel shoes, fishnet stockings ... ~ David Letterman

I see my face in the mirror and go, "I'm a Halloween costume? That's what they think of me?" ~ Drew Carey

I hate Halloween. I hate dressing up. I hate - I wear wigs, makeup, costumes every day. Halloween is like, my least favorite holiday. ~ Amy Poehler

This Halloween, the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him. ~ Conan O'Brien

I learned something the other day. I learned that Jehovah's Witnesses do not celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't like strangers going up to their door and annoying them. ~ Bruce Clark

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween. ~ Erma Bombeck

My wife likes to dress up like a witch for Halloween. Same as every other day. ~ Anonymous

Being in a band you can wear whatever you want - it's like an excuse for Halloween everyday. ~ Gwen Stefani

Halloween is by far the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch. ~ Anonymous

In Britain, the major public holiday used to be Guy Fawkes Day... that was celebrated on November 5th with things like bonfires and fireworks... I think that made Halloween seem preferable. The idea of having pumpkins and costumes and parties seemed much more appealing than burning down your neighborhood. ~ Lisa Morton

I have to be honest. I don't really look forward to Halloween as much as November 1st. November 1st should be named "Discount Candy Day." ~ Theresa Weaver

My children are vampires. I don't mean that they are going to dress as vampires for Halloween. I mean that, like vampires, they cannot be captured on film. ~ John Dickerson

Halloween was the best holiday, in my opinion, because it was all about friends, monsters, and candy, rather than family and responsibility. ~ Margee Kerr

When I was in college, I came up with the perfect Halloween costume. I wore cat ears and angel wings and carried a pitchfork, and went as every girl on campus. ~ Steve Hofstetter

We use Halloween to scare the kids and bankers to scare the adults. ~ Anthony T. Hincks

When I was a kid my family was really poor and I remember one Halloween I wanted to dress up really scary and my parents came home with a duck costume. I wore that costume for years! I hated it. ~ R.L. Stine

The real monsters are the people that give away little boxes of raisins instead of Halloween candy. ~ Mike Raphone

I've always loved Halloween: the one day of the year when you can blatantly dress as your number-one obsession and people will smile instead of snicker. ~ J.C. Lillis

Halloween is huge in my house and we really get into the 'spirits' of things. ~ Dee Snider

Last year was the first time I actually participated in Halloween. I dressed up as a pimp, and my sister was my bitch. We had to walk down Sunset Boulevard because we couldn't get a ride to the party, and everyone was sticking their heads out of their cars and yelling at us. It was great. ~ Christina Applegate

If human beings had genuine courage, they'd wear their costumes every day of the year, not just on Halloween. ~ Douglas Coupland

You know what’s scary? When your wife dresses up like a witch and still worries about her makeup being perfect. ~ Melanie White

The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It's unbelievable to me. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there's a ton of it left over. ~ Lewis Black

Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special. ~ Chris Rock

My Halloween costume is Godot. I'm not showing up at the party, just texting the host every 10 minutes that I'm on my way. ~ Wynne McLaughlin

If I'm lazy and I can't come up with a costume, I would just wear a slip and write 'Freudian' on it. ~ Julia Stiles

If you're in Alabama, don't dress up as a nun, priest or rabbi for Halloween. Impersonating "a minister of any religion" is punishable by fine or jail. ~ Nina Vizcarrondo

Nudist colony Halloween parties are especially scary. They give the word "moon" a new cruel meaning. ~ Ray Palla

Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. Christmas and the others can end up making you sad, because you know you should be happy. But on Halloween you get to become anything that you want to be. ~ Ava Dellaira

New Rule: Designers of women's Halloween costumes must admit that they're not even trying. They just choose a random profession, like nurse or referee, and put the word "sexy" in front of it, thereby perpetuating the idea of Halloween as a day when normally shy women release their inner sluts and parade around like vixens, and I just completely forgot what I was complaining about. ~ Bill Maher

Halloween Quotes

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