Funny Money Quotes

ABBA once sang, “Money, money, money, it must be funny in a rich man’s world.” Well, these funny money quotes are hilarious in anyone’s world!

What’s more, they won’t cost you a penny! Enjoy!

An enriching collection of funny money quotes

80 Funny Money Quotes

Money can’t buy friends but you can get a better class of enemy.

Spike Milligan

Money is the best deodorant.

Elizabeth Taylor

I don’t want money. It is only people who pay their bills who want that, and I never pay mine.

Oscar Wilde

A fool and his money are soon married.

Carolyn Wells

Some couples go over their budgets very carefully every month, others just go over them.

Sally Poplin

Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

Ambrose Bierce

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

Bob Hope

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

Jackie Mason

Money is like a sixth sense without which you cannot make a complete use of the other five.

W. Somerset Maugham

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Woody Allen

I have always paid income tax. I object only when it reaches a stage when I am threatened with having nothing left for my old age – which is due to start next Tuesday or Wednesday.

Noel Coward

Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

Winston Churchill

If you want to know what God thinks about money, just look at the people He gives it to.

Dorothy Parker

It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

Milton Berle

I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention.

Ron Kittle

God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects to receive it.

Austin O’Malley

If you’re given a choice between money and sex appeal, take the money. As you get older, the money will become your sex appeal.

Katherine Hepburn

Money, if it does not bring you happiness, will at least help you be miserable in comfort.

Helen Gurley Brown

There is only one amount of money – just not enough.

Andy Kaufman

The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.


Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

George Carlin

Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today.

Herman Wouk

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

Jackie Mason

The great rule is not to talk about money with people who have more more or much less than you.

Katharine Whitehorn

Anyone who lives within his means suffers from a lack of imagination.

Lionel Stander

I was so poor growing up, if I wasn’t a boy, I’d have had nothing to play with.

Rodney Dangerfield

A banker is a man who lends you an umbrella when the weather is fair, and takes it away from you when it rains.


All right, so I like spending money! But name one other extravagance.

Max Kauffmann

Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.

Bill Vaughn

It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job, it’s a depression when you lose your own.

Harry S. Truman

Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions.

A.A. Latimer

Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.

Rebecca Johnson

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.

Rita Rudner

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

Spike Milligan

Wealth – any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one’s wife’s sister’s husband.

H. L. Mencken

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.

P. J. O’Rourke

There are several ways in which to apportion the family income, all of them unsatisfactory.

Robert Benchley

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

Groucho Marx

All decent people live beyond their incomes nowadays, and those who aren’t respectable live beyond other people’s. A few gifted individuals manage to do both.

H. H. Munro

Money isn’t everything. Usually it isn’t even enough.


It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.

Billy Crystal

Solvency is entirely a matter of temperament and not of income.

Logan Pearsall Smith

Money without brains is always dangerous.

Napoleon Hill

Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind.

Kay Ingram

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it’s very busy, when they have one.

Rita Rudner

When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old I know that it is.

Oscar Wilde

I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died.

Malcolm Forbes

Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don’t have for something they don’t need.

Will Rogers

The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.

Kin Hubbard

Nobody who has wealth to distribute ever omits himself.

Leon Trotsky

People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage.

Doug Larson

Never run into debt, not if you can find anything else to run into.

Josh Billings

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.

Errol Flynn

There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.

Mark Twain

We didn’t actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell short of our expenditure.

Keith Davis

Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.

Edmund Stockdale

When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.

Nick Arnette

It’s tax time. I know this because I’m staring at documents that make no sense to me, no matter how many beers I drink.

Dave Barry

I used to have a drug problem, now I make enough money.

David Lee Roth

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

Peg Bracken

In God we trust. All others pay cash.


Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

Herbert Hoover

If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.

George Bernard Shaw

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.

Will Rogers

The way to stop financial joy-riding is to arrest the chauffeur, not the automobile.

Woodrow Wilson

Money will buy you a fine dog, but only love can make it wag its tail.

Richard Friedman

It’s easy to meet expenses – everywhere we go, there they are.


Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

Sam Ewing

I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I tried – but they wanted cash.


There are three books my daughter felt were the most important influences in her life: the Bible, her mother’s cookbook, and her father’s checkbook.

Joyce Mattingly

This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt.

Earl Wilson

Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.

Robin Williams

Wealth is not without its advantages, and the case to the contrary, although it has often been made, has never proved widely persuasive.

J. K. Galbraith

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.

James Holt McGavran

Money won’t make you happy – but everybody wants to find out for themselves.

Zig Ziglar

A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way.

Mark Twain

A man has one hundred dollars and you leave him with two dollars, that’s subtraction.

Mae West

If the Lord loveth a cheerful giver, how he must hate the taxpayer!

John Andrew Holmes

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

Brendan Behan

Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex, you thought of nothing else if you didn’t have it and thought of other things if you did.

James Arthur Baldwin

Funny Quotes About Money

If you enjoyed these funny money quotes, why not check out all our other funny quotes and sayings too, including these: