A selection of funny pig jokes and punsPig Jokes And Puns

There's no ham-fisted attempts at pig jokes here.

We are hogging all the best ones though, so we're sure you won't be boar-ed!

Anyway, it's time we were crackling on with the jokes, so we hope you enjoy this collection of funny pig jokes and puns.

If so, check out our other collections of animal jokes too.

I was reading a book on pig anatomy the other day.

It was all pretty standard until I got to the end.

Then there was a twist in the tale.

Did you hear about the pig with laryngitis?

He was disgruntled.

A pig invited me around to see his new home.

I was surprised - it was actually quite sty-lish.

One day a little pig walked into a bar. He asked the bartender for a beer, and after drinking it he asked where the toilet was.

The bartender told him where it was and off walked the pig.

Then another little pig walked in and he also asked the bartender for a beer. After drinking it, he too asked where the toilet was. Once again the bartender gave him directions and off walked the pig.

Then yet another little pig walked into the bar and asked for a beer, which he drank. Then the bartender asked him, "Don't you want to know where the toilet is?"

The pig replied, "No, I'm the little pig that went wee wee wee all the way home".

What do you call someone who steals pigs?

A ham-burglar.

If pigs learned to fly, would the price of bacon skyrocket?

What's a pig's favorite color?

Ma-hog-any.

Why couldn't the pig tie his shoe laces?

He was too ham-fisted.

Two explorers are lost in the desert. They've been wandering around aimlessly for days and they're close to death.

They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden one of them sees something ahead in the distance.

He shouts, "A bacon tree, a bacon tree!" and rushes off towards it as fast as his weakened body will allow.

The second explorer follows him.

With renewed strength, they struggle on through the dunes until at last they get near to the tree.

They can see it's full of every kind of pig meat you can imagine - fried bacon, back bacon, smoked bacon and more.

The first explorer shouts, "We're saved, we're saved!"

The second explorer says, "Wait - are you sure it's not just a mirage? We are in the desert after all."

The first explorer says, "Just smell that bacon - have you ever heard of a mirage that smelled of bacon?"

And so he runs to the tree with the second explorer following a few paces behind.

Just as he gets near it, there's a burst of machine gun fire and the first explorer falls to the ground, mortally wounded.

With his last breath, he warns the second explorer, "Get back! You were right. It's not a bacon tree. It's a ham-bush!"

What do you get when you play tug-of-war with a pig?

Pulled pork.

Why shouldn't you tell a secret to a pig?

It might squeal.

A guy unfortunately loses both of his ears in an accident at work.

The surgeon tells him there are no human transplant ears available but they have one dog's ear and one pig's ear they can transplant if he wants.

The guy isn't very happy about this but soon realizes it's better than being deaf, so he agrees to go ahead with the operation.

A month later, he goes back to the hospital for a check up and the surgeon asks him how he is getting on with his new ears.

The guy says, "Well, the dog ear is fantastic - I can hear for miles and no-one ever talks behind my back any more."

The surgeon asks, "Great! And what about the pig's ear?"

The guy says, "Well to be honest, it's not so good. I seem to be getting a lot of crackling in it."

What do you call a pig with a rash?

Ham and eczema.

Why should you never share a bed with a pig?

They hog all the covers.

How do pigs write secret messages?

They use invisible oink.

What do you call a pig with no legs?

A ground-hog.

What do you call a pig who drives recklessly?

A road hog.

Who's the cleverest pig in the world?

Ein-swine.

What do you call a pig with skin problems?

A wart-hog.

What do you call a laundromat for pigs?

The Hogwash.

How do pigs get to the hospital?

In ham-bulances.

What do you call a pig who does karate?

A pork chop.

Why can't you play basketball with pigs?

Because they hog the ball.

What did one pig say to the other?

Let's be pen pals.

If a pig hurts itself, what should you put on the wound?

Oink-ment.

What do you call a pig that's wrong?

Mistaken bacon.

What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur?

Jurassic Pork.

Where do pigs leave their cars?

The porking lot.

A woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm. The bartender says, "Sorry, you can't bring that pig in here."

The woman replies, "This isn't a pig, it's a duck."

The bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

I've got a really bad case of pig flu.

I must have had it for a weeeeeeeeeeeeek now!

I entered my pig into a pig race but he pulled a ham string.

Pig Jokes & Puns

If you enjoyed our collection of funny pig jokes and puns, why not check out the rest of our site for lots more laughs and jokes, including our other animal jokes, such as:

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