Sure To Fail
My friend rang me and asked me what I was doing.
I said, “Probably failing my driving test.”
Friend Jokes Archives
My Best Friend’s Wife
I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible.
I think she must have given me a cold or something.
Water Bill
My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill.
I’ve sent him a Get Well Soon card.
The Best Thing
An inventor shows his friend the first knife ever.
His friend says, “Wow! That’s the best thing since bread.”
The inventor says, “Well, I’m about to blow your mind.”
Japanese Friend
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my imagine Asian.
Chemical Reaction
My friend fell into a vat of chemicals.
Ironically, it was his quick reaction that killed him.
Magic 8 Ball
Did you know that if you drink the fluid from a Magic 8 Ball you can see the future?
Trust me, it’s true. My friend Steve did it and said he was going to die, and then he did.
Short Men
If men call short women “petite”, what do women call short men?
“Friends”.
Dog Poop Seller
I told my friend that I made $500 a month selling dog poop.
He said, “That’s gross!”
I said, “No, that’s net.”
Letters Be Friends
When I noticed “HI” in the alphabet I thought someone was actually going to be my friend.
Then I saw the next two letters.
Tell The Difference
Why can’t Harry Potter tell the difference between his best friend and his cooking pot?
Because they’re both cauldron.
Structural Engineer
My friend is a structural engineer.
He’s always complaining about stress at work.
German Sausage
My friend is a pessimist who hates German sausage.
He always fears the Wurst.
One-Armed Butler
My friend has got a butler who only has one arm.
Serves him right.
Elephant In The Room
I bought my friend an elephant for their room.
They said thank you.
I said, “Don’t mention it.”
Thrown Under A Bus
I told my friend I saw a man get thrown under a bus today.
He said, “Oh my God – was it moving?”
I said, “Well a few people were crying, but I was fine.”
Firefighters
My friend got jailed for 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building.
Turns out they were firefighters.
Name Change
My friend Victor recently changed his last name to “E”.
No-one knows why.
He’s become a Mister E.
Star Wars In 3D
My friend asked me if the Star Wars movies are 3D.
I said, “Yes, but they R2D2.”
Mozart
“Wolfgang Mozart!” said Mozart’s friend.
“What?” said Mozart.
And then they were both eaten by a gang of wolves.
Half Indian Friend
I’ve got a friend who’s half Indian.
Ian.
Cover Band
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
Lawyer And Doctor
A doctor is at a party where he gets to talking to a lawyer friend. He tells the lawyer how sick he is of his friends always asking him for free medical advice.
The lawyer says, “Just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox.”
The doctor says he’ll give this a try and thanks his lawyer friend.
When the doctor gets home, he finds a bill in the mailbox from his lawyer.
A Hot Date
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date.
They said she was imaginary.
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too.
Addicted To Brake Fluid
I’ve got a friend who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid.
He says he can stop any time.
Lifebelt Wreath
My friend drowned and it was his funeral yesterday. All his friends clubbed together and we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.
Well, it’s what he would have wanted.
Frightening Statistic
The number of people saying “Boo!” to their friends has risen by 85% over the last year.
That’s a frightening statistic.
Onions Joke
My friend said to me that onions are the only food that can make you cry.
So I threw a coconut in his face.
Batman Impression
My friend said to me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
I said, “Go on, then.”
He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
I said, “That’s Superman.”
He said, “Thanks man, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
Alice In Wonderland Character
I said to my friend, “My girlfriend keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character, and it’s getting really annoying!”
He said, “Are you mad at her?”
I said, “Geez! Don’t you start too!”
Really Bad News
I was in the hospital visiting a friend today and I couldn’t help overhearing a doctor say to one of the other patients, “I have some bad news, and some really bad news.”
The patient asked, “What’s the bad news?”
The doctor replied, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
The patient said, “Oh my god! And what’s the really bad news?”
The doctor said, “I should have told you yesterday.”
Look On The Bright Side
My best mate, Dave passed away yesterday so I went to see his wife today.
I said, “Look on the bright side, at least he’s not suffering anymore.”
She said, “He wasn’t ill, he died all of a sudden.”
I said, “I know, I meant being married to you.”
A Carefree Friend
My friend has always been the kind of guy that gets stressed over everything.
Lately though he doesn’t have a care in the world so I asked him, “Why are you so laid back all of a sudden?”
“I’ve hired a professional to worry about all my problems for me,” he replied. “It only costs me a thousand dollars a week.”
“A thousand dollars a week? How on earth are you going to afford that?” I asked.
“I don’t know. That’s his problem…”
Tennis Ball
I’ve just got back from my friend’s funeral.
He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.
My Wife Left Me
My ex-wife was deaf and she left me for a deaf friend of hers.
To be honest, I should have seen the signs.
Space Invader
One of my mates told me that I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
Which was an incredibly unnecessary and hurtful thing to say.
It ruined our bath.
Gone Down In Flames
My friend’s bakery caught fire and burned to the ground last night.
Now his business is toast.
Dig A Hole
My mate dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water.
I think he meant well.
Important Gift
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me while he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
Know Your Alphabet
I’m very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don’t know why.
Half Full Or Half Empty
My friend drowned in a half-empty bath tub yesterday.
And he was normally so optimistic.
