Luggage Disguise
At the airport, my friend suggested we disguise ourselves as luggage.
I said. “Let’s not get carried away.”
Friend Jokes Archives
New Baby
My friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked, “What’s her name?”
My friend replied, “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker said, “How do you spell it, then?”
Underfloor Heating
My friends got a new house, and I paid for them to get underfloor heating.
It was a house warming gift.
Let Hair Down
My friend told me I needed to let my hair down and relax.
But I couldn’t find one, so I did the next best thing and disappointed a rabbit.
Freak Accident
My friend Gary lost all his hair in a freak accident at the biscuit factory.
Garibaldi.
Excessive Burping
My friend was sent to prison last year for excessive burping.
He’s finally been let out with a pardon.
Human Vacuum Cleaner
My friend got taken to hospital because he’s convinced that he’s turned into a vacuum cleaner.
Just phoned to see how he is and they say he’s picking up.
Radiologist Friend
My friend Emma is a radiologist in the X-Ray department.
I call her ‘Boney Em’.
Lunch Together
The mayor in my city just passed a law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week.
Well it’s not a law, it’s a mandate.
Job Quitter
My friend just quit his job at BMW.
He gave no indication he was leaving.
Repairing Ladders
My friend got a job repairing ladders.
He’s working his way to the top.
Stolen Dictionary
I was really angry when I ran into my friend Mark who stole my dictionary.
I said, “Mark, my words!”
Friend Killer
Killing your father is called patricide. Killing your mother is called matricide. So, what is killing your friend called?
Homiecide.
Daughter’s Friend
My daughter brought a friend from school and she said his great-great-great-great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later.
I was impressed and asked, “Does he know how his so many greats grandfather lived for so long?”
My daughter answered, “It’s because of my friend’s stutter.”
German Math
I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81…
He said no!
Bonsai Business
My friend had a business selling bonsai trees.
He was so successful he had to move into smaller premises!
Julius Caesar Play
A friend asked me to play the part of Brutus in an upcoming play about Julius Caesar.
I said I’d take a stab at it.
Crow Friends
A crow walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says, “I hope your friends aren’t coming.”
“Last time they were here, there was a murder.”
Ladies Man
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet.
He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
Bartender Break Up
My bartender friend just broke up with her boyfriend.
He keeps asking her for another shot.
Struggling Artist
My friend was a struggling artist until he decided to just do sculptures.
He made over six figures last year.
iPhone Song
I asked my friend Sam to sing a song about the iPhone.
And then Samsung.
Early Riser
A friend of mine is a nun, and she’s up at 5:00 every day.
“How do you do it?” I asked.
“Simple,” she answered, “You get into the habit.”
Lost Car
My friend lost his car.
I call him Carlos now.
New Apartment
I visited my new friend in his apartment.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate visitors.
Peach Gift
My friend handed me a peach.
I told him I prefer pears.
So he handed me another one.
New Band
My friends and I have started a band and called it “Books”.
So no one can judge us by our covers.
Strange Deodorant
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
Backwards Name
My friend Tony asked me not to say his name backwards.
I said y not?
Eye Test
A Polish guy goes into an opticians for an eye test.
The optician holds up a card with CZWJNYSACZ on it and asks him can he read that?
The Pole says, “Read it? He’s my best friend.”
Straw User
I told my friend that he really shouldn’t be using a straw and he replied, “Yeah, I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment.”
I said, “Sure, there’s that…”
“But it’s just a really weird way of eating spaghetti.”
Grant Aid
My farmer friend used his government grant aid to buy baby chickens.
He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free.
Dolly Parton Diet
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet…
It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leannnnnnn….
Fish Lovers
My friend said, “My kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?”
I said, “Cats. Cats love fish.”
House-Warming Party
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.
Two Structures
My friend said I wouldn’t be able to name two structures that hold water.
I was like, “Well, damn.”
Best Friend
3 years ago I married my best friend.
My girlfriend was angry but me and Dave thought it was hilarious.
Interesting Chess
I play chess regularly with my friend, but last time he suddenly said, “Let’s make this interesting.”
So we stopped and went home.
Smart Beer
My friend told me that beer would make him smarter.
But I don’t think that anything would make my Budweiser.
Himalayan Friend
My friend from Nepal has a cow that refuses to stand up.
I always see Himalayan there.
