Two Structures
My friend said I wouldn’t be able to name two structures that hold water.
I was like, “Well, damn.”
Friend Jokes Archives
Best Friend
3 years ago I married my best friend.
My girlfriend was angry but me and Dave thought it was hilarious.
Interesting Chess
I play chess regularly with my friend, but last time he suddenly said, “Let’s make this interesting.”
So we stopped and went home.
Smart Beer
My friend told me that beer would make him smarter.
But I don’t think that anything would make my Budweiser.
Himalayan Friend
My friend from Nepal has a cow that refuses to stand up.
I always see Himalayan there.
Beijing Marathon
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
Water Supply
My old next door neighbor and I were good friends, so we decided to share our water supply.
We got a long well.
Bucket List
All of my friends have such expansive bucket lists.
Mine is a little pail in comparison.
Genuine Friend
What do you call a genuine friend?
A legiti-mate.
Invisible Aeroplane
My friend has designed an invisible aeroplane.
I can’t see it taking off.
Shared Parking
I have a shared parking lot with my neighbor.
I don’t like him much, but I’ve decided to try to be his friend. After all…
We have a lot in common.
Twin Girls
My friend Jay recently had twin girls, and wanted to name them after him.
So I suggested Kaye and Elle.
Nerdy Friend
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
Now we call him Dr Awkward.
Mobile Phone Implant
My friend is so engrossed with technology he got a mobile phone implanted into his throat.
When his wife finds out she’s going to ring his neck.
Weekend Plans
My friend asked me, “What are your plans for the weekend?”
I said, “I’m going to buy glasses.”
She said, “And then what?”
I replied, “Then I’ll see.”
Indian Flatbread Detection
I say my secret superpower is detecting Indian flatbread in any given room.
My friends all say it’s naan-sense.
Say Mucho
I’ve been saying “Mucho” to all of my Mexican friends.
It means a lot to them.
Number Fight
I challenged the number 1 to a fight, but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Bowl Of Muesli
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
Flat Earther
A friend of mine believes that the Earth is flat.
I challenged him to prove it by walking off the edge…
He eventually came around.
New House
I was showing my friend my new house.
“So this is my house,” I said.
He said, “What’s upstairs?”
I said, “Stairs don’t talk.”
Untruthful Friend
My friend called me and said, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!”
I drove all the way to his house just to find out he’s just a big lyre.
Welcome Back
“Welcome back everybody” is apparently not a good way to start a speech…
If you’re the best man at your friend’s second wedding.
Impressing Girls
A friend of mine tries to impress girls by drawing realistic paintings of the Ford F-150.
He’s a pickup artist.
Dream Man
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family…
It’s Mark Zuckerberg.
Cannibal Date
I told my friend a cannibal took my sister to see a Russell Crowe movie.
He asked, “Gladiator?”
I said, “No, I really miss her.”
Binary
A friend asked me if I knew anything about 1s and 0s.
I told him I knew a bit.
Kids’ Beds
My friend said to me, “I won’t use stores that gender kids’ beds.”
I said, “Like a boycott?”
She said, “Don’t you start.”
Eating Friends
What do you call friends you like to eat with?
Tastebuds.
One Or Two Words
Why is boyfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
Bald Friend
My friend went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
Skin Graft
Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn’t family?
Arse skin for a friend.
Salmon Clothes
My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes.
It’s like shooting fish in apparel.
Worst Best Man
My friend just called me the worst best man ever.
I was speechless.
That’s His Story
My author friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
Still, that’s his story and he’s sticking to it.
Liquidation
My friend’s fruit and vegetable business has gone into liquidation.
He now sells smoothies.
What A Roast!
My friend said to me, “You have a BA, a Masters and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”
It was a third degree burn.
I’m Not Tight-Fisted
My friends accused me of being tight-fisted, so to prove them wrong I bought them a beer.
Turns out they wanted one each.
Just The Way I Like It
I cooked a medium rare steak for my friend and he said, “I like it well done.”
I said, “Thanks. That means a lot.”
A Sticky Situation
I accused my friend of pouring glue on my weapons.
He denied it but I’m sticking to my guns.
He Owes Me
I lent my grandfather clock to my friend.
He owes me big time.
Secret Life
I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest.
It’s his altar ego.
Internet Flowers
I accidentally sent my friend flowers over the internet.
Whoops, E-Daisies.
Gender Change
My friend told me that ever since they changed genders, their kids won’t even look at them anymore.
It’s almost as if they have become trans-parent.
Sound Technician
I have a Polish friend who’s a sound technician.
Oh, and a Czech one too. Czech one too. Czech one too.
All That Time
My friend has been a limo driver for 25 years and hasn’t had a single customer.
All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
Communist Friend
I just found out my best friend is a communist. To be honest, I should have known.
All the red flags were there.
Take A Seat!
An attractive woman took a seat next to me at a bar last night.
And brought it to a table of friends.
Bad Pick Up Lines
The women I meet in bars always have the worst pick up lines.
They’re like, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?”
Never works on me, ladies.
Buy Some Meat
I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them.
He said, “By mistake?”
I said, “Oh come on, not you as well!”
