Peach Gift
My friend handed me a peach.
I told him I prefer pears.
So he handed me another one.
Friend Jokes Archives
New Band
My friends and I have started a band and called it “Books”.
So no one can judge us by our covers.
Strange Deodorant
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
Backwards Name
My friend Tony asked me not to say his name backwards.
I said y not?
Eye Test
A Polish guy goes into an opticians for an eye test.
The optician holds up a card with CZWJNYSACZ on it and asks him can he read that?
The Pole says, “Read it? He’s my best friend.”
Straw User
I told my friend that he really shouldn’t be using a straw and he replied, “Yeah, I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment.”
I said, “Sure, there’s that…”
“But it’s just a really weird way of eating spaghetti.”
Grant Aid
My farmer friend used his government grant aid to buy baby chickens.
He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free.
Dolly Parton Diet
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet…
It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leannnnnnn….
Fish Lovers
My friend said, “My kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?”
I said, “Cats. Cats love fish.”
House-Warming Party
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.
Two Structures
My friend said I wouldn’t be able to name two structures that hold water.
I was like, “Well, damn.”
Best Friend
3 years ago I married my best friend.
My girlfriend was angry but me and Dave thought it was hilarious.
Interesting Chess
I play chess regularly with my friend, but last time he suddenly said, “Let’s make this interesting.”
So we stopped and went home.
Smart Beer
My friend told me that beer would make him smarter.
But I don’t think that anything would make my Budweiser.
Himalayan Friend
My friend from Nepal has a cow that refuses to stand up.
I always see Himalayan there.
Beijing Marathon
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
Water Supply
My old next door neighbor and I were good friends, so we decided to share our water supply.
We got a long well.
Bucket List
All of my friends have such expansive bucket lists.
Mine is a little pail in comparison.
Genuine Friend
What do you call a genuine friend?
A legiti-mate.
Invisible Aeroplane
My friend has designed an invisible aeroplane.
I can’t see it taking off.
Shared Parking
I have a shared parking lot with my neighbor.
I don’t like him much, but I’ve decided to try to be his friend. After all…
We have a lot in common.
Twin Girls
My friend Jay recently had twin girls, and wanted to name them after him.
So I suggested Kaye and Elle.
Nerdy Friend
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
Now we call him Dr Awkward.
Mobile Phone Implant
My friend is so engrossed with technology he got a mobile phone implanted into his throat.
When his wife finds out she’s going to ring his neck.
Weekend Plans
My friend asked me, “What are your plans for the weekend?”
I said, “I’m going to buy glasses.”
She said, “And then what?”
I replied, “Then I’ll see.”
Indian Flatbread Detection
I say my secret superpower is detecting Indian flatbread in any given room.
My friends all say it’s naan-sense.
Say Mucho
I’ve been saying “Mucho” to all of my Mexican friends.
It means a lot to them.
Number Fight
I challenged the number 1 to a fight, but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Bowl Of Muesli
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
Flat Earther
A friend of mine believes that the Earth is flat.
I challenged him to prove it by walking off the edge…
He eventually came around.
New House
I was showing my friend my new house.
“So this is my house,” I said.
He said, “What’s upstairs?”
I said, “Stairs don’t talk.”
Untruthful Friend
My friend called me and said, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!”
I drove all the way to his house just to find out he’s just a big lyre.
Welcome Back
“Welcome back everybody” is apparently not a good way to start a speech…
If you’re the best man at your friend’s second wedding.
Impressing Girls
A friend of mine tries to impress girls by drawing realistic paintings of the Ford F-150.
He’s a pickup artist.
Dream Man
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family…
It’s Mark Zuckerberg.
Cannibal Date
I told my friend a cannibal took my sister to see a Russell Crowe movie.
He asked, “Gladiator?”
I said, “No, I really miss her.”
Binary
A friend asked me if I knew anything about 1s and 0s.
I told him I knew a bit.
Kids’ Beds
My friend said to me, “I won’t use stores that gender kids’ beds.”
I said, “Like a boycott?”
She said, “Don’t you start.”
Eating Friends
What do you call friends you like to eat with?
Tastebuds.
One Or Two Words
Why is boyfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
