Friend Jokes

A friend of mine did his pilot’s exam just after a storm, and flew through a rainbow.

He passed with flying colors.

A friend of mine hurt himself trying to jump over a wall whilst dressed as a clown.

It was his own stupid vault.

A friend once told me, “You can’t go around saving everyone. They have to learn to save themselves.”

Great friend. Terrible lifeguard.

My friend lost his job as a journalist at a classic rock magazine through musical differences.

He was always giving rave reviews.

My friend has joined a cult that worships black holes.

I’d hate to get sucked into something like that.

I just received a letter saying my friend bequeathed me a very expensive antique watch.

I really hope it’s not a wind up.

I bumped into an old friend today.

I thought he’d be happy to see me, but he just kept going on about the damage to his car.

I’m very good friends with the other members of my time travelling club.

We go back years.

My friend sent me a joke in the mail.

Took me a few days to get it.

My friend has an excellent nose for wine.

It’s shaped like a corkscrew.

Friend: Can I set up a cloning lab in your basement?

Me: Sure, make yourself at home.

At the airport, my friend suggested we disguise ourselves as luggage.

I said. “Let’s not get carried away.”

My friend told me I needed to let my hair down and relax.

But I couldn’t find one, so I did the next best thing and disappointed a rabbit.

My friend Gary lost all his hair in a freak accident at the biscuit factory.

Garibaldi.

My friend was sent to prison last year for excessive burping.

He’s finally been let out with a pardon.

My friend Emma is a radiologist in the X-Ray department.

I call her ‘Boney Em’.

The mayor in my city just passed a law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week.

Well it’s not a law, it’s a mandate.

My friend just quit his job at BMW.

He gave no indication he was leaving.

My friend got a job repairing ladders.

He’s working his way to the top.

I was really angry when I ran into my friend Mark who stole my dictionary.

I said, “Mark, my words!”

Killing your father is called patricide. Killing your mother is called matricide. So, what is killing your friend called?

Homiecide.

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81…

He said no!

A friend asked me to play the part of Brutus in an upcoming play about Julius Caesar.

I said I’d take a stab at it.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet.

He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

My friend was a struggling artist until he decided to just do sculptures.

He made over six figures last year.

A friend of mine is a nun, and she’s up at 5:00 every day.

“How do you do it?” I asked.

“Simple,” she answered, “You get into the habit.”

My friend lost his car.

I call him Carlos now.

My friend Tony asked me not to say his name backwards.

I said y not?

A Polish guy goes into an opticians for an eye test.

The optician holds up a card with CZWJNYSACZ on it and asks him can he read that?

The Pole says, “Read it? He’s my best friend.”

I told my friend that he really shouldn’t be using a straw and he replied, “Yeah, I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment.”

I said, “Sure, there’s that…”

“But it’s just a really weird way of eating spaghetti.”

My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet…

It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leannnnnnn….