The Most Hilarious Quotes

Life is for laughing as well as living and this collection of our favorite hilarious quotes on a wide range of topics is sure to make you chuckle and bring a smile to your face! Enjoy them!

This collection of our favorite hilarious quotes is sure to raise a smile!

37 Hilarious Quotes

Let these hilarious quotes bring some light relief to your day!

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.

Jim Backus

She was a lovely girl. Our courtship was fast and furious – I was fast and she was furious.

Max Kauffmann

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.

Dylan Thomas

One good turn gets most of the blanket.


We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.

W. H. Auden

When a person tells you, “I’ll think it over and let you know” – you know.

Olin Miller

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d be married too.

H. L. Mencken

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.


Give me my golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep my golf clubs and the fresh air.

Jack Benny

Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they’ve told you what you think it is you want to hear.

Alan Coren

An accountant is a man hired to explain that you didn’t make the money you did.


Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don’t.

Earl Wilson

Colonel Cathcart had courage and never hesitated to volunteer his men for any target available.

Joseph Heller, Catch-22

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

Joe E. Lewis

He’s turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he’s miserable and depressed.

David Frost

A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can’t help himself.


If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it’s just possible you haven’t grasped the situation.

Jean Kerr

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

George Burns

Keep a diary and one day it’ll keep you.

Mae West

It is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake.

H. L. Mencken

After two days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

W. C. Fields

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Spike Milligan

My son has taken up meditation. At least it’s better than sitting doing nothing.

Max Kauffmann

Adolescence: a stage between infancy and adultery.


I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.

E. V. Lucas

You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.

Franklin P. Jones

The trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

Robert Helpmann

Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Buddy Hackett

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

Robert Benchley

A diplomat is a man who thinks twice before he says nothing.

Frederick Sawyer

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

Agatha Christie

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Fred Allen

Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired.


Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

Robin Williams

Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.

E. B. White

Macho does not prove mucho.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

More Funny Quotes & Sayings

If you enjoyed this collection of hilarious quotes, be sure to check out our other pages of funny quotes too, including these: