The Most Hilarious Quotes

Life is for laughing as well as living and this collection of our favorite hilarious quotes on a wide range of topics is sure to make you chuckle and bring a smile to your face!

Enjoy them!

This collection of our favorite hilarious quotes is sure to raise a smile!

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. ~ Jim Backus

She was a lovely girl. Our courtship was fast and furious – I was fast and she was furious. ~ Max Kauffmann

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do. ~ Dylan Thomas

One good turn gets most of the blanket. ~ Anonymous

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know. ~ W. H. Auden

When a person tells you, “I’ll think it over and let you know” – you know. ~ Olin Miller

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d be married too. ~ H. L. Mencken

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. ~ Anonymous

Give me my golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep my golf clubs and the fresh air. ~ Jack Benny

Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they’ve told you what you think it is you want to hear. ~ Alan Coren

An accountant is a man hired to explain that you didn’t make the money you did. ~ Anonymous

Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don’t. ~ Earl Wilson

Colonel Cathcart had courage and never hesitated to volunteer his men for any target available. ~ Joseph Heller, Catch-22

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. ~ Joe E. Lewis

He’s turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he’s miserable and depressed.  ~ David Frost

A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can’t help himself. ~ Anonymous

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it’s just possible you haven’t grasped the situation. ~ Jean Kerr

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. ~ George Burns

Keep a diary and one day it’ll keep you. ~ Mae West

It is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake. ~ H. L. Mencken

After two days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse. ~ W. C. Fields

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion. ~ Spike Milligan

My son has taken up meditation. At least it’s better than sitting doing nothing. ~ Max Kauffmann

Adolescence: a stage between infancy and adultery. ~ Anonymous

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them. ~ E. V. Lucas

You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. ~ Franklin P. Jones

The trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does. ~ Robert Helpmann

Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. ~ Buddy Hackett

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well. ~ Robert Benchley

A diplomat is a man who thinks twice before he says nothing. ~ Frederick Sawyer

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. ~ Agatha Christie

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. ~ Fred Allen

Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired. ~ Anonymous

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? ~ Robin Williams

Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts. ~ E. B. White

Macho does not prove mucho. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

Hilarious Quotes & Sayings

If you enjoyed this collection of hilarious quotes, be sure to check out our other pages of funny quotes too, including these:

A collection of funny relationship quotes
A collection of funny quotes about life
A selection of funny quotes about time
Some funny marriage quotes by the famous and not-so-famous
Hilariously funny dog quotes that perfectly describe man's best friend!
A selection of funny cat quotes and sayings.