We connected to the LAN down under to bring you these funny Australian jokes and puns! Just like a boomerang, you’ll keep coming back to them!
Funny Australian Jokes
Fun fact: the boomerang is Australia’s chief export.
And import.
An Australian is visiting Britain.
He’s from a small rural village and is completely unfamiliar with traffic rules and street lights, and just crosses streets whenever and wherever, almost getting hit by cars all the time.
A police officer sees him and shouts, “Oi! You there, did you come here to die?”
The Aussie replies, “Nah mate, I came yesterday!”
A British man is visiting Australia.
The man at customs asks him, “Do you have a criminal record?”
The British man replies, “I didn’t think you’d need one to get into Australia any more.”
I tried to smuggle a wild animal out of Australia…
But it Dingo as planned.
If you find gold in Australia, where do you look for silver?
Agstralia.
Why was Jesus not born in Australia?
Because God couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.
I was watching Australian Master Chef last night.
Some guy made a meringue and everybody cheered.
I thought… That’s odd, normally in Australia they boo meringue.
I met a guy from Australia who works in IT.
I said, “Do you come from a LAN down under?”
Sad news from Australia…
The inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there isn’t something trying to kill you.
“School” is my answer.
Chris Hemsworth is from Australia and Thor is from space.
Does that make Chris an Australian and Thor an Australien?
It’s so hot here in Australia right now that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up…
Just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
What’s the difference between yogurt and Australia?
If you leave yogurt on it’s own for while it develops it’s own culture.
What do you call a prison full of kangaroos?
Australia.
I don’t understand time zones!
How is it possible that in Europe it is today. In Australia it is tomorrow. And in Alabama it is 1890?
What do you call a lie in Australia?
A kangaruse.
What do chess and eating at a restaurant in Australia have in common?
They both end with a check mate.
Two baked beans were travelling around Australia, do you know where they ended up?
In Cairns.
What does it take to work at a zoo in Australia?
Koalafications.
Why does Australia have so many customer service representatives?
Because they offer koalaity service.
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large”.
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says, ” We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows”.
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asked, “And what are those?”
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
A father and son from Germany went to a zoo in Australia.
Upon arrival the little son pointed at the first animal he saw.
Staring at a kangaroo he asked, “Daddy what is this animal called?”
“Well, my son, this animal lives especially in Australia and it’s called a dangerou.” answered dad.
The son looked around and saw a lion standing on a hill.
His eyes began to shine and he yelled, “Wow dad! What kind of animal is that?!”
The father said, “This is the king of the jungle and it’s called a dangerou.”
Suddenly they heard the sound of an elephant nearby.
They went a little closer and the son said, “Daddy we don’t have these big animals back in Germany, right? What is it called?”
The father replied, “Correct, son, this animal is one of the biggest animals in the world and it’s called a dangerou.”
The little boy frowned and asked, “But dad, weren’t the other animals also called dangerou?”
“Correct again!” his father said. “You still have a lot to learn little boy, but once you understand the English language, you can read the signs saying ‘All animals are dangerous’.”
A tourist is trudging through Australia’s Great Victoria Desert.
He’s completely lost, and he’s quickly running out of water.
His vision is rather impaired, and he can tell that he’s only got a few more hours before he’ll pass out.
Suddenly, he accidentally steps on a rattlesnake!
Before he can jump away, it hisses, bites him directly in the leg, and slithers off.
The man panics.
He had read about venomous snakebites in a book, and this one was usually fatal.
His vision starts to blur.
He swallows dryly, and accepts his fate.
Finally, he loses his balance, and passes out in the sand.
Miraculously, a local hiker finds him.
He carries him back to his lodge, and tends to his wounds.
When the man awakes, he solemnly asks, “Was I brought here to die?”
“Nah mate,” replies the Aussie. “Ye were brought here yester-die.”
A Brit and an Aussie walk into the men’s room and take a pee.
As they finish, the Brit heads for the sink and turns on the water while the Aussie heads for the door.
With a disapproving look, the Brit turns to the Aussie and says, “In England, we wash our hands after using the bathroom.”
“No worries, mate,” answers the Aussie. ” In Australia we don’t pee on our hands.”
Australia Jokes
If you enjoyed these funny puns and jokes about Australians and Australia, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, such as these:
