Donald Trump Jokes
Whatever you think of Donald Trump and his policies, he's certainly livened up the American political scene.
And one of the side effects of his rise to prominence has been the emergence of Donald Trump jokes. So even if you don't like him, every cloud has a silver lining!
And we thought now would be a good time to collect together the very best jokes about him.
So whatever your political leanings, we hope you enjoy this collection of hilariously funny Donald Trump humor...
Turns out, he was right.
I voted for Clinton and I'm stuck with a criminal president under federal investigation from day one.
After all, the Russians fought against the Nazis.
The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"
Trump replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"
So the Pope slapped him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter replied, "Those are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie-clock. Every time you lie the hands on the clock will move."
"Oh," said the man as he pointed at one of them, "Whose clock is that?"
St. Peter replied, "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"That's incredible, " said the man.
St. Peter pointed to another clock, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe only told two lies in his entire life."
The man was impressed, and then asked, "Where's Donald Trump's clock?"
St. Peter said, "His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Trump says, "Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?"
The kid replies, "You know what, I've changed my mind. Those are too many requirements."
That man would do just about anything to avoid paying the taxes.
Trump had connections with Russia.
He's an alternative romantic.
He wants to make America grate again.
Probably not two terms though.
God asks Obama first: "What do you believe?"
Obama thinks long and hard, looks God straight in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen."
God can't help but see the essential goodness of Obama, and offers him a seat to his left.
Then God turns to Clinton and says, "And what do you believe?"
Clinton ponders for a while and then says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American."
God is greatly moved by Clinton's eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right.
Finally, God turns to Trump and says, "And you, Donald, what do you believe?"
Trump replies, "I believe you're in my seat."
Hitler was good at making speeches.
So Trump can't tweet them.
The bartender says, "What can I get you, Mr. President?"
Pence says, "The fewer".
Trump says, "I told you not to call me that yet."
The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn't even finished coloring the second one.
He replied, "Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Deport him and you don't have to feed him again."
And lowers it.
Hitler wrote his own book.
On the condition he gets to install windows.
Sales of alcohol have never been higher.
An orange has a thick skin.
Not by choice though...
If you're a Trump supporter, denigrate means to put down.
He looks out of the window and says to his family, "You know what, I'm gonna throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy!"
His son looks at him and says, "Dad, why don't you throw two hundred $5 bills out of the window? Then you can make two hundred people happy."
Donald says, "Son, that's a great idea!"
His wife turns to him and says, "Donald, why not throw one thousand $1 bills out the window? You could make one thousand people happy!"
Donald looks at her and says, "Babe, that is a fantastic idea! The best I've heard!"
The pilot turns and looks at Trump and says, "As long as you're at it, why don't you throw yourself out of the window and make millions of people happy?"
Trump himself never has to go to the bathroom, as the crap just comes straight out of his mouth.
"What, a suicide bomber? " I asked.
"No, a surface to hair missile."
He grows taller.
God doesn't think he's Donald Trump.
He really needs to keep his hair on.
But it would just end up being elected President.
Now she can call herself the First Lady instead of the Third Wife.
Because now he's had to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.
10 billion dollars and high cholesterol.
They both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs.
Just one Pence.
For Hispanic attacks.
"Mister President, we've been over this..."
Donald Trump's tie.
Probably because Mexico has more aliens.
In one of the classes, they're in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings.
The teacher asks Trump if he'd like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy."
He agrees to do so and asks the class for an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and says, "If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says Trump, "That would be an accident."
Next a little girl raises her hand and says, "If a school bus carrying forty children went off a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"No, I'm afraid not," says Trump. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room goes silent for a while as no other children volunteer.
Trump looks around the room and says a little testily, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
At last, a little boy at the back of the class raises his hand and says, "If a private jet carrying you, Mr Trump, was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" shouts Mr Trump, "That's exactly right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "Because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
Clearly, orange is the new black.
The 45th President of the United States of America.
Police says it's impossible to tell if it was done by Trump's opponents or his supporters.
Look, we can change the light bulb. That I will tell you. We're changing it, ok? And I understand what you're saying, I hear it all the time. People call me and say "Is the light bulb really dead?". That's what they are asking me, its unbelievable. The light bulb is in big trouble, that I can tell you. But we are going to change it.
If you mess with the USA, there'll be hell toupee.
Juan by Juan.
He's equally hated by blacks and Hispanics.
God: "No... I said Trump/Pence."
John: Yeah, trumpets.
God: "Never mind. They'll know."
The other 30% said it will make them Canadians.
I thought he ran as a joke.
They both barely cover an assh*le.
Well, he's pretty annoyed about this so he storms into his security staff's headquarters, and yells, "Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!"
The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.
Trump hollers, "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!"
The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits.
Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says, "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?"
Trump says, "Give me the bad news first."
The officer says, "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urine."
Trump says, "Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. ...Well, what’s the really bad news?"
The officer replies, "Well Mr. President, it's Melania's handwriting."
Her secretary answers.
Trump asks, "What’s the time difference between Washington and Berlin?"
The secretary replies, "Just a second, Mr. President…"
Trump: "Thanks." <click>
Not really knowing what a Trump fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he'd decided to be different... again.
Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not a Trump fan."
The teacher said, "Why aren't you a fan of Trump?"
Johnny said, "Because I'm a Democrat."
The teacher asked him why he was a Democrat.
Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Democrat and my Dad's a Democrat, so I'm a Democrat."
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me a Trump fan."
After all, if Ivanka wasn't Trump's daughter, I'd date her too.