New Jokes Archives

My wife won’t stop complaining about how long she spends breast-pumping for our new son.

She’s really milking it for all it’s worth.

There’s a new reality show where flat-earthers are trying to find the edge of the world.

They’ll be so disappointed when the finale is not a cliffhanger.

A new study reveals that listening to a Queen album might be bad for your health.

Because of the unusually high Mercury content.

A new restaurant has opened in my town, serving the meat of exotic animals.

I just had the pelican.

It was delicious but the bill was enormous.

I’ve just got a new job as senior director at Old MacDonald’s farm.

I’m the CIEIO.

I just got a new personal best in the 100 meter sprint!

73 meters.

I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of Office.

It improved my outlook.

Have you seen that weird new Mexican carnival game where groundhogs pop out of holes and you have to smear them with avocado?

It’s called guac-a-mole.

Did you hear what NASA’s new slogan is going to be when their budget is cut?

“The sky’s the limit”.

I told my new girlfriend that I want to be a millionaire like my Dad.

She said, “Wow, your Dad’s a millionaire?”

I said, “No, but he wants to be.”

My girlfriend said to me the other day, “If anything ever happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.”

Apparently, getting stuck in traffic doesn’t count as “anything”.

I introduced my new girlfriend to my family today.

My kids liked her, but my wife seemed kind of mad.

My girlfriend lost all her hair during chemotherapy and she was crying for hours.

I said, “Why are you so upset? It’s just hair. I’m the one who’s got to find a new girlfriend.”

My boss pulled up to work in a beautiful new top-of-the-range car today.

I complimented him on it and he said to me, “Well, if you get your head down and work hard, set goals and stay committed to them, be determined and work long hours….

Maybe next year I can get an even better one.”

A young boy was struggling in school with math.

His parents weren’t religious at all but a friend suggested to them that a Catholic school might be more effective in teaching their son so they decided to move him to a new school.

After the switch, his grades improved dramatically. His parents asked the boy what had helped him so much.

He said, “When I saw the guy nailed to the big plus sign I knew they meant business.”

My Mom learns something new from me every day.

She thinks it’s important to learn from your mistakes.

I’m really disappointed with the new Haribo Star Wars sweets collection.

They’re all chewy.

My wife said to me, “If you won the lottery, would you leave me?”

I said, “Of course not. I’d need someone to do my new girlfriend’s laundry.”

I’ve invented a new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it gets within 4 inches.

Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.