Boat Swap
I swapped my boat for a new ship I hadn’t seen before.
I thought it was worth a punt.
New Jokes
They say all that glitters isn’t gold, but these shiny new jokes are certainly golden!
New Doorbell
I’ve decided to get a new doorbell.
Don’t knock it until you try it.
Parrot Stand
I went into a pet store to buy my parrot a new stand. They wanted $500 for it. I told them that was ridiculous.
Nevertheless, they said, that is the perch’s price.
New Baby
My friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked, “What’s her name?”
My friend replied, “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker said, “How do you spell it, then?”
Underfloor Heating
My friends got a new house, and I paid for them to get underfloor heating.
It was a house warming gift.
New Pharmacy Job
I was starting my new job at the pharmacy this morning when a guy walked in.
“I’ve got a blocked nose, a sore throat and my head feels like it’s going to explode,” he said, “Have you got anything?”
I said, “No, I feel fine.”
Chess Factory
I’ve got a new job at the chess factory.
I’m on knights next week.
Egyptian Underworld
What did the Egyptians use to travel to the Underworld?
A new bus.
Mum Saying
My mum always used to say, “40 is the new 30”.
Lovely woman, banned from driving…
Recycled Chewing Gum
I’m starting a new business recycling discarded chewing gum.
I just need some help getting it off the ground.
New Phone
To whoever lost an iPhone 14 Pro Max outside the train station yesterday…
Can you please stop calling my new phone?
Paleontologist Dating App
I’ve decided to launch a brand new dating app exclusively for paleontologists.
I’m going to call it ‘Carbon Dating’.
Electric Toothbrush
I just found out that my new electric toothbrush is not waterproof.
I was shocked.
Duck Muzzle
I bought a new muzzle for my pet duck the other day.
Nothing fancy, but it fits the bill.
Arsonist Dating Agency
I’ve joined a new dating agency for arsonists.
They send me new matches every day, so it’s guaranteed I’m getting a hot date eventually.
Reversible Jacket
My son bought a new reversible jacket.
I can’t wait to see how it turns out.
New Hearing Aid
I’m trying to convince my dad to get a new hearing aid.
But he just won’t listen.
Digging Tunnels
I thought my new job digging tunnels would be exciting.
Turns out it’s boring.
Weight Loss Diet
I’ve lost a lot of weight just by wearing bread on my head.
It’s a new loaf hat diet I’m trying.
Apple Engineers
How many Apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.
New Apartment
I visited my new friend in his apartment.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate visitors.
New Tesla
Teslas don’t have a “New Car” smell.
They have an Elon Musk.
New Girlfriend
I asked my new girlfriend when her birthday was.
She said March 1st.
So I walked around the room and asked again.
Old Fridge
A guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying, “Free to good home — you want it you take it.”
For three days, the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.
He eventually decided that people were rather skeptical about such a good deal, so he changed the sign to read, “Fridge for sale, $50.”
The next day, someone stole it.
New Priest
There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, “If I hear that word one more time, I’ll quit!”
Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had “fallen.” This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, “You have to do something about the roads and sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.”
The mayor started to laugh, realising that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, “I don’t know what you’re laughing about, your own wife fell three times this week already, and your daughter fell twice!”
New Alarm Clock
For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping.
He’s in for a rude awakening.
New Restaurant
Did you hear about this new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu. You get what you deserve.
New Neighbor
My wife said to me, “Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he goes to work, why don’t you do that?”
I said, “How can I? I don’t even know her.”
Bikini Documentary
Did you hear about the new bikini documentary?
It’s a two part series that’s quite revealing.
New Kitten
How do you buy a kitten when the pet store is closed?
You order it from the cat-alogue.
New Year
Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st be sure to lift your left leg.
That way you will start off the new year on the right foot.
House-Warming Party
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.
Miley Cyrus
I heard Miley Cyrus is in the new Silence of the Lambs reboot.
She plays Hannibal Montannibal.
New Scale
A guy says to his wife, “Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I poop!”
His wife replies, “So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?”
The guy says, “Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way…”
Poor Vision
My new girlfriend told me she can’t see too well without her glasses.
I asked her what numbers she can see.
New Apple Product
Apple have announced a new product for wives that helps cope with spontaneous dad jokes throughout their day.
The iRoll.
New Dog
I bought my husband a Pug as a present.
Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like him.
Noah’s Ark
One day God calls down to Noah and says, “Noah my old buddy, I want you to make me a new ark.”
Noah replies, “No problem God, my old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you’re the boss!”
But God interrupts, “Ah, but there’s a catch. This time Noah, I do not want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other.”
“20 decks!”, shouts Noah. “Well, Okay Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?”
“Yep, that’s right, well… sort of right… this time I want you to fill it up with fish,” God answers.
“Fish?” queries Noah.
“Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp wall to wall, floor to ceiling carp!”
Noah looks to the skies. “Okay God, let me get this right, You want a new ark?”
“Yeah.”
“With 20 decks, one on top of the other?”
“Yeah.”
“And you want it full of carp?”
“Check.”
“But why?” asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether.
“Dunno,” says God, “I just fancied a multi-storey carp ark.”
Bad In Bed
My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed.
I told her it’s unfair to make a judgement in less than a minute.
New Blindfold
I just bought a new blindfold.
I can’t see myself wearing it.
New Gloves
I bought a new pair of gloves today but they’re both “lefts”.
Which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.
Replacement Worker
A coworker named Celsius recently retired at my work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him.
He’s the new temp.
Pasta Factory
I started my new job at the pasta factory last week.
It’s been going well for the most part, just a fusilli mistakes.
Newly Qualified Vet
As a newly qualified veterinarian, I’m now permitted to treat animals.
Tonight, I took a herd of cows out for drinks.
Plane Documentary
I’m making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We’re currently filming the pilot.
Guillotine Factory
I just got a new job at the guillotine factory.
I’ll beheading there shortly.
Upcoming Cruise
My wife was worried about meeting new people on our upcoming cruise.
I said, “Don’t worry. We’ll all be in the same boat.”
New Gym Machine
I went to the gym and there’s a new machine. I used it for an hour and and ended up feeling sick.
Its good though, it does everything.
Kit Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers …
New House
I was showing my friend my new house.
“So this is my house,” I said.
He said, “What’s upstairs?”
I said, “Stairs don’t talk.”
New Gun
I took my new gun to the range to try it out, but somehow it won’t work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
