Computer Science Student
A mugger jumps out in front of a university student and shouts, “Your money or your life!”
The student just keeps on walking as he says, “Sorry, I’m a computer science student, I don’t have either.”
Money Jokes Archives
Will Mention
“Am I mentioned in the will?” asked the nephew nervously.
“You sure are,” replied the lawyer. “It says right here… To my niece Susan I bequeath one hundred and fifty thousand dollars, to my cousin Alice seventy five thousand dollars, and to my nephew Paul who was always asking if he was mentioned in the will, I say, ‘Hi Paul’.”
Cheapest Meat
What’s the cheapest meat you can buy?
Deer testicles – they’re under a buck.
Divorce Court
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully, ” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband. “I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
Lottery Winner Charity Donation
I won a million dollars on the lottery today so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
Now I have $999,999.75.
Withdrawal Symptoms
I’m addicted to having money in the bank.
I really do suffer from withdrawals.
Supermarket Cashier
My wife said she’s leaving me because I think I’m a supermarket cashier.
I said, “Would you like any help with your packing?”
How To Satisfy The Wife
I went to the doctor and told him that I’m having trouble ‘satisfying’ the wife.
He told me I should do what he does.
I asked, “What’s that, then?”
He said, “Earn 100k a year.”
Congress Has Been Taken Hostage
I was stuck in traffic outside Washington DC this morning. No-one was moving at all.
Then this guy knocked on my window. I rolled it down and said, “What’s happening?”
He said, “Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress and they say they will douse them in gasoline and set them on fire if they are not paid a $100 million dollar ransom. We’re going from car to car collection donations.”
“How much is everyone giving?” I asked.
He said, “About a gallon.”
My Neighbor Owes Me
A man visited his lawyer and said to him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?”
“Do you have any proof he owes you the money?” asked the lawyer.
“No,” said the man.
The lawyer said, “OK, then here’s what you should do. Send him a letter asking him for the $1,000 he owes you.”
“But it’s only $500,’ replied the man.
“Exactly! That’s what he’ll reply and then you’ll have your proof!”
Sound Advice
My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
“It’s worth spending money on good speakers,” he told me.
Bank Robber
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun and points it at the teller.
“Give me all your money or you’re geography.” he says.
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber says, “Don’t change the subject.”
A Carefree Friend
My friend has always been the kind of guy that gets stressed over everything.
Lately though he doesn’t have a care in the world so I asked him, “Why are you so laid back all of a sudden?”
“I’ve hired a professional to worry about all my problems for me,” he replied. “It only costs me a thousand dollars a week.”
“A thousand dollars a week? How on earth are you going to afford that?” I asked.
“I don’t know. That’s his problem…”
Taxi Home
I got a taxi home last night and when it pulled up the driver said “That’ll be six dollars, please.”
I said “I’ve only got 5, can you reverse a bit?”
Pasta Car
My sister bet me 100 dollars that I couldn’t build a working car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
Cash Machine
I was at the cash machine the other day when a little old lady came up to me and asked me to check her balance for her.
So I pushed her over.
Mugging
I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet.
Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn’t help but think to myself, “He’s giving me a good run for my money.”
