If I Win The Lottery

Funny If I Win The Lottery Joke If I win the lottery, no one around me will be poor, and I mean that. I’ll move to a rich, gated community.

Camouflaged Bull

My credit card company sent me a camouflaged bull.

It’s the hidden charges you have to watch out for.

Money Addiction

Did you hear about the ATM that was addicted to money?

It suffered from withdrawals.

Donor Card

I just accidentally put my donor card into the ATM machine.

It cost me an arm and a leg.

Wallet Picture

I always keep a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.

It reminds me why I have no money in it.

Cashier Instructions

The cashier told me, “Strip down facing me.”

By the time I realized she meant the debit card, it was too late.

Posed Naked

I once posed naked for a magazine.

The shop keeper wasn’t having it and told me I’d have to give him cash like everyone else.

Free Glove Puppets

Free to a good home – two glove puppets.

No cash wanted, I just want to get them off my hands.

Twitter Purchase

Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter and laid off half the staff, he’s planning on buying YouTube and Facebook and doing the same with them.

To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one.

He’s going to call it YouTwitFace.

Counterfeiter Mistake

A couple of counterfeiters make a mistake one time and end up with a batch of $15 bills.

One of them says, “We gotta get rid of these things. We’ll go to Florida. I know a little town there. They’re so dumb they won’t know a thing.”

So off they go. Soon they arrive at a gas station and buy some gas.

The guy at the counter looks a little simple-minded.

“Hey can you break a 15 dollar bill for me?” one of them says.

“Oh, sure, no problem,” the cashier says.

The counterfeiters grin at each other.

“I told you,” the one whispers to the other, and they fist bump.

Then the cashier says to them, “So, do you want an 8 and a 7, or two 3’s and a 9?”

Women Call Me Ugly

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

Homeless People

I can’t stand homeless people.

Every time I leave work, one of them approaches me and shakes his can full of coins just to show off how he has more money than me.

Hand-me-down Calculator

Growing up we didn’t have a lot of money.

I had to use a hand-me-down calculator with no multiplication symbol on it.

Times were hard.

Swiss Bank

A man wants to deposit money at a Swiss bank.

“How much do you want to deposit?” asks the bank employee.

The man looks around and whispers, “Three million.”

“You can speak up,” says the bank clerk. “In Switzerland, poverty is not a disgrace.”

Programmer Money

Today I made my first money as a programmer.

I sold my laptop.

Sandwich Buyer

I said to the woman at the deli, “I’d like to buy a ham and cheese baguette with pickles.”

She said, “Sorry, we only take cash or card.”

High School Senior

A high school senior visited a psychic.

“I’ve applied to 10 different colleges,” the student said. “Which ones will accept me? Which one will I attend?”

“That is hard to say,” said the psychic. “But you will spend an absurd sum of money.”

“How do you know this?” the student asked.

The psychic replied …

“It’s mostly intuition.”

Strongman

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, “Okay”, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?”

The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”

Bagel With Cream Cheese

I went to a deli and said, “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”

The kid behind the counter said, “Sorry we only take cash or credit cards.”

Ethics Failure

My professor told me that I’m failing my ethics class.

So I slid 20 dollars across the table and said, “What about now…?”

Grant Aid

My farmer friend used his government grant aid to buy baby chickens.

He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free.

Bad Cashier

I had the nastiest, rudest, slowest cashier today.

I guess it’s my own fault for using the self service checkout.

Fake Bills

I was working in my shop when the cashier called me over.

He said, “These two guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty dollar bills.”

“What did they look like?” I asked.

He said, “Fifty dollar bills.”

Dollar Belt

What do you call a belt made out of hundred dollar bills?

A waist of money.

Dream Job

I got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city…

Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.

Rude Customer

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.

The look on his face was priceless.

Money Find

I came out of the supermarket this morning and there was a woman crying her eyes out. She’d lost all her holiday money.

I felt so sorry for her I gave her $50.

I don’t usually do that kind of thing but luckily I’d just found $5,000 in the carpark.

Looking For Money

A thief broke into my house last night looking for money.

So I got out of bed to look with him.

For The Money

I’ve done some terrible things for money.

Like getting up early to go to work.

Cinema Food

If I had a dollar for every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food…

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Large Photo Frame

My wife says that I wasted money by ordering a 3 meter wide frame for our wedding photo.

Well I think she should look at the bigger picture.

Cash Machine

I know loads of jokes about cash machines.

I just can’t think of one atm.

Salmon Clothes

My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

Negativity Jar

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…

It’s currently half empty…

Existential Crisis

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had…

Does money even matter?

ATM Stocks

They should stock ATMs better.

I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds.

Uninteresting Relationship

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me.

When we separated 3 years later, she returned exactly $100.

I lost interest in that relationship.

Nice Find!

I found a hat with $17.50 in it.

I thought this other guy was going to pick it up.

But he was too busy juggling.

Elvis Tribute Act

I called to buy tickets for an Elvis tribute act.

It was an automated phone system which said, “Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show…”

Racist Boss

If your boss refuses to pay you more money, no problem.

Just accuse them of raise-ism.

Charity Donation

Never give a donation to anyone collecting for a marathon.

They’ll take the money and run.

School Bully

To this day, the boy who used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

Impress The Girls

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside”.

Thinking About Re-Marriage

I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife…

But I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.

Genie Wishes

Genie: What’s your first wish.

Steve: I wish I was rich.

Genie: What’s your second wish.

Rich: I want lots of money.