Rainy Day
My tax advisor told me to put something away for a rainy day.
I’ve bought an umbrella.
Money Jokes
It’s time to cash in with these hilarious money jokes and puns, because they’re absolutely priceless!
Cloud Bills
How do clouds pay their bills?
With a rain check.
Chocolate Bank
The person who handled customer transactions at the Chocolate Bank quit his job.
So the bank hired a Nutella.
Washing Machine
A friend of mine invented a washing machine for bank notes.
It’s a real money spinner.
Buffalo Payroll
I work in payroll for the Buffalo football team.
It’s not the most fulfilling job, but hey it pays the Bills.
College Fund
I had a college fund, but I spent it on a boat and called it my scholar ship.
Pasta Purchase
I spent my entire life savings on pasta.
It was worth every penne.
Games Company
I was going to invest in a company that makes games based on Monopoly.
Then I realised there’s no real money in it.
Big Bills
Today on the street a man asked me for a dollar. I told him that I only carry big bills. He said give me one of those.
So I gave him my electric bill.
Dentist Recommendation
If dentists make their money off people with bad teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 9 out of 10 dentists recommend?
If I Win The Lottery
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be poor, and I mean that.
I’ll move to a rich, gated community.
Camouflaged Bull
My credit card company sent me a camouflaged bull.
It’s the hidden charges you have to watch out for.
Money Addiction
Did you hear about the ATM that was addicted to money?
It suffered from withdrawals.
Donor Card
I just accidentally put my donor card into the ATM machine.
It cost me an arm and a leg.
Wallet Picture
I always keep a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
It reminds me why I have no money in it.
Cashier Instructions
The cashier told me, “Strip down facing me.”
By the time I realized she meant the debit card, it was too late.
Posed Naked
I once posed naked for a magazine.
The shop keeper wasn’t having it and told me I’d have to give him cash like everyone else.
Free Glove Puppets
Free to a good home – two glove puppets.
No cash wanted, I just want to get them off my hands.
Student Money Giver
What do you call a man who gives students money?
Grant.
Twitter Purchase
Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter and laid off half the staff, he’s planning on buying YouTube and Facebook and doing the same with them.
To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one.
He’s going to call it YouTwitFace.
Counterfeiter Mistake
A couple of counterfeiters make a mistake one time and end up with a batch of $15 bills.
One of them says, “We gotta get rid of these things. We’ll go to Florida. I know a little town there. They’re so dumb they won’t know a thing.”
So off they go. Soon they arrive at a gas station and buy some gas.
The guy at the counter looks a little simple-minded.
“Hey can you break a 15 dollar bill for me?” one of them says.
“Oh, sure, no problem,” the cashier says.
The counterfeiters grin at each other.
“I told you,” the one whispers to the other, and they fist bump.
Then the cashier says to them, “So, do you want an 8 and a 7, or two 3’s and a 9?”
Women Call Me Ugly
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
007 Investments
Where does 007 invest his money?
Bonds. Stocks and bonds.
Homeless People
I can’t stand homeless people.
Every time I leave work, one of them approaches me and shakes his can full of coins just to show off how he has more money than me.
Hand-me-down Calculator
Growing up we didn’t have a lot of money.
I had to use a hand-me-down calculator with no multiplication symbol on it.
Times were hard.
Swiss Bank
A man wants to deposit money at a Swiss bank.
“How much do you want to deposit?” asks the bank employee.
The man looks around and whispers, “Three million.”
“You can speak up,” says the bank clerk. “In Switzerland, poverty is not a disgrace.”
Programmer Money
Today I made my first money as a programmer.
I sold my laptop.
Sandwich Buyer
I said to the woman at the deli, “I’d like to buy a ham and cheese baguette with pickles.”
She said, “Sorry, we only take cash or card.”
High School Senior
A high school senior visited a psychic.
“I’ve applied to 10 different colleges,” the student said. “Which ones will accept me? Which one will I attend?”
“That is hard to say,” said the psychic. “But you will spend an absurd sum of money.”
“How do you know this?” the student asked.
The psychic replied …
“It’s mostly intuition.”
Strongman
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, “Okay”, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?”
The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”
Bagel With Cream Cheese
I went to a deli and said, “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
The kid behind the counter said, “Sorry we only take cash or credit cards.”
Ethics Failure
My professor told me that I’m failing my ethics class.
So I slid 20 dollars across the table and said, “What about now…?”
Grant Aid
My farmer friend used his government grant aid to buy baby chickens.
He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free.
Bad Cashier
I had the nastiest, rudest, slowest cashier today.
I guess it’s my own fault for using the self service checkout.
Fake Bills
I was working in my shop when the cashier called me over.
He said, “These two guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty dollar bills.”
“What did they look like?” I asked.
He said, “Fifty dollar bills.”
Dollar Belt
What do you call a belt made out of hundred dollar bills?
A waist of money.
Dream Job
I got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city…
Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.
Rude Customer
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
Money Find
I came out of the supermarket this morning and there was a woman crying her eyes out. She’d lost all her holiday money.
I felt so sorry for her I gave her $50.
I don’t usually do that kind of thing but luckily I’d just found $5,000 in the carpark.
Looking For Money
A thief broke into my house last night looking for money.
So I got out of bed to look with him.
