A guy got pulled over by a cop for speeding.
The cop said, “Do you know how fast you were going, Sir?”
The guy replied, “I was just trying to keep up with the traffic.”
The cop said, “There is no traffic, Sir.”
The guy answered, “That’s how far behind I am.”
The number of people saying “Boo!” to their friends has risen by 85% over the last year.
That’s a frightening statistic.
“Neither a borrower or a lender be”, my Dad always used to say to me.
Which was a bit odd because he was a librarian.
Apparently, head lice have now become resistant to the drugs normally used to treat them.
The problem has scientists scratching their heads.
My dad said to me, “Son, I want you to know you were adopted.”
I said, “You’ve got to be kidding me! Is that really true?”
He said, “Yes, get your things together. They’re picking you up in about an hour.”
I went to the doctor and told him that I’m having trouble ‘satisfying’ the wife.
He told me I should do what he does.
I asked, “What’s that, then?”
He said, “Earn 100k a year.”
I had a dream about a horse last night.
It turned out to be a night mare.
I went to the doctor yesterday and asked him to give me something for persistent wind.
He gave me a kite.
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his collection of guitars. The judge asked “First offender?”
She replied, “No, first a Gibson. Then a Fender.”
This guy always smoked two cigarettes at a time. If anyone ever asked him why, he would always answer, “I’m smoking one for myself and one for my brother who is in jail.”
One day he was only smoking one cigarette. Someone asked him “Is your brother out of jail?”
He replied, “No, I quit.”
Arnold Schwarzenegger has released a statement saying he won’t be upgrading to Windows 10.
He said, “I still love Vista, baby.”
I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today.
That’s seven years in a row now.
I’m in the army and this afternoon I got called in to see my commanding officer. He growled at me, “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning.”
I said, “Thank you very much, sir.”
I’ve just taken up speed reading and now I can read “War and Peace” in twenty seconds.
It’s only three words but it’s a start.
One day a fly is buzzing around a wolf hound and decides to ask him, “What kind of dog are you?”
The dog replies, “I’m a wolf hound.”
The fly says, “A wolf hound? That’s an odd name. Why do they call you that?”
The dog says, “Well it’s quite simple really. My mother was a hound and my dad was a wolf.”
The fly replies, “Oh, I see…”
Then the dog asks the fly, “So, what kind of fly are you?”
The fly says, “I’m a horse-fly.”
The dog says, “NOOO WAAAAYYYYY!!!”
What’s the difference between outlaws and in-laws?
Outlaws are wanted.
“Do you really have to lick the knife?” she asked.
“Sorry, force of habit,” I said. “Lots of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes but not during surgery, Doctor.”
I saw a hearse today carrying a wreath that spelled “Dad”.
I think they left the “E” out.
I went to a job interview the other day. The interviewer asked me to describe myself in three words.
I said, “Lazy.”
A wife, being of romantic disposition, sent a text to her husband one day. It read, “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!”
The husband, a typically non-romantic man, replied, “I am on the toilet. Please advise…”
This young Korean couple are lying in bed when the guy starts farting non-stop.
The girl can’t stand the smell and says, “Stop that! It’s disgusting!”
The guy says, “Don’t blame me, it’s the dog.”
“Don’t blame him,” says the girl. “He was cooked perfectly.”
WhatsApp keeps crashing on my phone and won’t run properly. So I’ve downloaded something called “The Bugs Bunny” to fix it.
It’s a WhatsApp Doc.
I went along to the local Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting but all the seats were taken.
My friend said to me that onions are the only food that can make you cry.
So I threw a coconut in his face.
My wife called me today while I was at work and said, “Honey, I’ve started to get contractions. I need you to drive to the hospital.”
Forty-five minutes later when I got there, I called her back and asked, “Right I’m here, what do you want me to do now?”
I’ve started a camp for kids with ADHD.
It’s a concentration camp.
I was stuck in traffic outside Washington DC this morning. No-one was moving at all.
Then this guy knocked on my window. I rolled it down and said, “What’s happening?”
He said, “Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress and they say they will douse them in gasoline and set them on fire if they are not paid a $100 million dollar ransom. We’re going from car to car collection donations.”
“How much is everyone giving?” I asked.
He said, “About a gallon.”
My wife said she is leaving me because I’m too arrogant.
I told her to close the door on the way back in.
I walked into the dentist’s and said, “I think I’m a moth.”
The dentist said, “I don’t think you should be here. You need to see a psychiatrist.”
I said, “I am seeing a psychiatrist.”
He said, “What are you doing here then?”
I said, “The light was on.”
My boss said to me today, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many trains have you derailed so far?”
I said, “It’s hard to keep track.”
Never marry a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.
My wife dropped her epilepsy medicine in the washing machine.
Her clothes don’t fit anymore.
My Granddad always used to say to me, “Fight fire with fire.”
It’s no wonder he got sacked from the fire service.
David Hasselhoff calls his agent and demands, “I want everyone to call me Hoff from now on.”
The agent replies, “Sure, no hassle.”
Two blondes are walking down the street.
The first one, who is carrying a bag of doughnuts, says to the other, “If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag you can have both of them.”
I went to the doctors yesterday and told him that I kept thinking I was Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck.
He said, “How long have you been having these Disney spells?”
I’ve just been to the National Air And Space Museum.
There was a lot more stuff in there than I expected.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
Now I just drink for evil.
A man walks into a bar…
And is immediately disqualified from the World Limbo Championships.
A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed in fright, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over.
The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.
The startled passenger said “I’m sorry I really didn’t mean to frighten you. I just wanted to ask you something.”
The taxi driver said “It’s ok, it’s not your fault, Sir. You see this is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a hearse for the past 25 years”.
I’ve just stolen a load of swimming inflatables.
I’d better lilo.
My parents always tell me their world doesn’t revolve around me.
I guess that means I’m not actually their sun.
My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.
Guess who’s not allowed in my tree house anymore.
What do you call Dracula with hayfever?
The pollen Count.
Guess who I just saw at the gas station – that human torch guy from the Fantastic Four films.
I tried to get his autograph but he just kept rolling around on the floor screaming.
I just found out I’m colorblind.
It came completely out of the yellow.
You know how the credits at the end of movies always say something like “No animals were injured in the making of this film”? Well what if they were?
Do they list it in the credits?
Brian hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
I had a joke about time travel but you guys didn’t like it.
Scientists have finally discovered what women really want.
Trouble is, now they’ve changed their minds.
Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmes’ diverse set of skills as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting.
To which Sherlock replied, “Why, that’s a lemon tree, my dear Watson.”
