Joke Of The Day Archives

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

She nearly took my eye out.

I went fishing at the weekend and there was this guy splashing about in the middle of the lake shouting, “I can’t swim! I can’t swim!”

“It’s alright, buddy,” I shouted, pointing at a nearby sign, “It says no swimming anyway”.

My friend said to me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”

I said, “Go on, then.”

He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”

I said, “That’s Superman.”

He said, “Thanks man, I’ve been practicing a lot.”

My computer said I had to change my password.

I entered “beefstew”.

My computer said “Sorry password not stroganoff.”

I had a pun about insanity but then I lost it.

My job circumcising elephants doesn’t pay much.

But the tips are huge!

My biggest regret is my mother-in-law didn’t live long enough to attend my wedding.

She was the one person who might have stopped it.

I went to the doctors and told him, “Every time I fart the room fills with smoke and stinks of petrol. What’s wrong with me?”

He said, “That’s easy. You’re exhausted.”

A lumberjack applies for a job and gets called for an interview.

The interviewer asks him, “So, what experience do you have?”

The lumberjack replies, “Well, I used to work in the Sahara Forest.”

The interviewer is a little taken aback and asks, “The Sahara Forest? Don’t you mean the Sahara Desert?”

The lumberjack says, “Yeah, that’s what they call it now.”

Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

I’m easily lead.

I’ve just discovered the quickest way to call a family meeting.

I turned off the WiFi router and just waited in the room where it’s located.

I said to my friend, “My girlfriend keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character, and it’s getting really annoying!”

He said, “Are you mad at her?”

I said, “Geez! Don’t you start too!”

I have CDO.

It’s like OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order as they should be.

I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday.

They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.

My wife said she is leaving me because I’m too impatient.

I can’t wait.

A guy is walking down the street one day when he spots a man with no arms or legs waiting at a bus stop.

He shouts out to him, “Hey buddy, how are you getting on?”

I often say to myself…

“I can’t believe that cloning machine actually worked.”

A man is lying in bed in hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth when a young nurse turns up to wash his hands and feet.

“Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?”

The rookie nurse is embarrassed and replies, “I don’t know, sir, I’m only here to wash your hands and feet.”

He struggles again to ask, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”

Again the nurse replies, “I don’t know, I’m only here to wash your hands and feet,” as she carries on washing him.

Once more the man mumbles, “Nurse, are testicles black?”

Finally, the nurse pulls back the bed covers, lifts the man’s gown, holds his member in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, before saying “There is nothing wrong with them!”

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, “That was very nice but, are… my… test… results… back?”

I poured my root beer into a square cup.

Now I’ve just got beer.

My wife heard it’s seductive to bite her lip.

I don’t have the heart to tell her it’s meant to be the bottom one.

I’ve recently developed a phobia of elevators.

I’m taking steps to avoid them.

My Grandpa has the heart of a lion…

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

My wife said to me, “If you won the lottery, would you leave me?”

I said, “Of course not. I’d need someone to do my new girlfriend’s laundry.”

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

Give a dog a toffee and you’ll laugh for half an hour.

I spent five minutes fixing a broken clock yesterday.

At least I think it was five minutes…

My girlfriend isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.

I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday.

I went to the inventor of Optrex’s funeral today.

There wasn’t a dry eye in the house.

Yo Mama’s cooking so bad …

The homeless give it back.

I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players.

The servers are currently down.

I’ve just started reading my first ever Braille horror story. I think that something scary is about to happen.

I can feel it.

My blonde girlfriend has three hours of video footage of raw chicken on her iPhone.

The cooking instructions said “Remove sleeve and film.”

As the coffin is being lowered into the ground at a traffic warden’s funeral, a voice from inside screams, “I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out!”

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters…

“Too late pal, I’ve already done the paperwork.”

A blonde woman is having a medical examination at the doctor’s.

The doctor says, “Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let’s check the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble…”

The blonde starts taking off her knickers but is interrupted by the doctor…

“No! No! Just stick out your tongue!”

A woman walks into the doctor’s surgery but doesn’t like the way he’s looking at her while she is talking to him.

So when he tells her to undress, she asks him to turn out the lights before she takes off her clothes. After he turns out the lights she asks, “Where should I put my clothes?”

“Just hang them up over here,” he says, “next to mine.”

I’ll never join one of those online dating services.

I prefer to meet someone the good old-fashioned way.

Through alcohol and poor judgement.

My girlfriend has her own taser.

She’s a real stunner.

My mum said to me today that at the age of 45 it was about time I had my own place.

I said to her that since she is 75 I was hoping not to have to wait much longer.

Two reasons why it’s so difficult to solve redneck murders:

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.

I no longer see my wife and kids and it’s all because of gambling.

I won the lottery and moved to Spain.

A girl walks into a supermarket and picks up a banana, a can of soup, and a loaf of bread. She then goes to the cash register to pay.

The cashier looks at her and the items she has and says, “I can tell you’re single.”

She smiles and says, “How do you know that?”

He says, “Because you’re ugly.”

My wife accused me of being a transvestite.

So I packed her things and left.

I love selling stuff on eBay to people who don’t know me.

I’ve sold the same homing pigeon 24 times now.

A cop arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car has smashed into a tree. He rushes over to the car and asks the driver, “Are you badly hurt?”

“How do I know?” the driver replies. “I’m not a lawyer.”

As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces of the deceased together.

Because if there was ever a zombie apocalypse, it would be hilarious.

My wife and I were talking about people owning strange animals and she said, “I’ve always wanted to get a manatee.”

I said, “Thank you very much, I’ll have it with milk and two sugars please.”

A man visited his lawyer and said to him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?”

“Do you have any proof he owes you the money?” asked the lawyer.

“No,” said the man.

The lawyer said, “OK, then here’s what you should do. Send him a letter asking him for the $1,000 he owes you.”

“But it’s only $500,’ replied the man.

“Exactly! That’s what he’ll reply and then you’ll have your proof!”

A blonde is on the bus when this guy gets on with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sits down next to her.

The confused blonde keeps looking at him and his bulging pockets.

He notices her looking and eventually, after many such glances from her, he says, “It’s golf balls.”

Nevertheless, the blonde continues to look at him for a very long time, appearing to think deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, she can’t contain her curiosity any more and asks:

“Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”

Now that it’s been proven that dogs can sniff out cancer, does that mean the end of the cat scan?

What do we want?

More acronyms.

When do we want them?

A.S.A.P.

A guy walks into a bar and orders the finest Scotch.

The bartender pours him the drink and passes it to him saying, “That will be $2, Sir.”

The guy says, “Woah, that’s really cheap. You’re good people; I want to thank your manager. Where is he?”

The bartender replies, “In the hotel room, Sir, with my wife.”

The guy asks, “What’s he doing with your wife?”

“The same thing I’m doing with his business.”