Joke Of The Day Archives

My wife said she’s leaving me because I think I’m a supermarket cashier.

I said, “Would you like any help with your packing?”

I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, “Don’t eat anything fatty.”

I said, “What – no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?”

He said, “No fatty, just don’t eat anything.”

I’ve just been fired from my job at Pepsi.

I tested positive for Coke.

If anyone is thinking about buying an autobiography, I don’t want to spoil the ending for you but …

They write a book.

I was at a funeral today and I asked the priest for the wifi password.

“Have some respect for the dead!” he said.

“Ok, is that all lower case with no spaces?” I asked.

Why does Waldo wear stripes?

Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.

This guy offered me a go on his ice rink for $1.

I thought “What a cheap skate.”

Some say a world without sin is ideal, but I disagree.

After all, there’s only so many problems that can be answered with cos and tan.

My girlfriend said to me, “You’re always acting like a detective. I want to split up.”

I said, “Good idea, we can cover more ground that way.”

Thank you student loans, for helping me to get through college.

I don’t think I can ever repay you.

I’m really disappointed with the new Haribo Star Wars sweets collection.

They’re all chewy.

My wife is like a luxury German car.

She emits gases and then denies it.

Moses was the first person to use Control-C as a shortcut.

What’s the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

I’ve been sleeping with this really gorgeous girl who’s a twin.

My friend asked me how I tell them apart.

I said, “That’s easy – her brother has a beard.”

This old guy goes to the doctor to get the results of his tests. The doctor says, “I’m really sorry to have to tell you this but you’ve got terminal cancer and Alzheimer’s.”

The old man says, “That’s not so bad. I could have had cancer!”

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices in my head.

She told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date.

They said she was imaginary.

Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too.

Parallel lines have so much in common.

It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

In order to make a relationship work you have to make a lot of sacrifices….

Which is why I keep a large number of goats in my garden.

My son asked me to take him to the hospital because he had a big red mark on his face.

I said, “Let’s not make any rash decisions.”

This girl had been out for the evening and met this guy who she brought back to her house, where they were kissing and cuddling downstairs.

Because her parents were asleep in bed upstairs, she told the guy they had to be quiet and when he told her that he was desperate to use the toilet, she didn’t want to send him upstairs and run the risk of him waking her parents up. So she told him he should just use the kitchen sink instead.

A few minutes later he popped his head around the door.

She whispered as quietly as she could to him, “Have you finished?”

“Yeah,” he whispered back, “Have you got any toilet paper?”

I’ve got a friend who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid.

He says he can stop any time.

My friend drowned and it was his funeral yesterday. All his friends clubbed together and we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.

Well, it’s what he would have wanted.

As I laid on the hospital trolley awaiting my surgery, I asked the doctor, “How long will I be in hospital?”

He said, “If all goes well, about a week. If not, about 45 minutes.”

This guy arrives home at seven o’clock in the morning, stinking of whiskey, to find his angry wife waiting for him.

She shouts at him, “You’d better have a darn good reason for coming home at this time in the morning.”

“Of course I do,” replies the guy.

“Well then, what is it?” asks his wife.

“Breakfast!”

The Norwegian navy has started putting barcodes on their ships.

So they can scan da navy in.

Dating in your thirties is like looking for a parking spot.

The best ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.

I was helping my son with his homework and he asked me what Armageddon was. He got upset when I told him I didn’t know.

I thought to myself, “Come on, it’s not the end of the world, is it?”

I was walking through the park today when this girl came up to me and asked me if she could have my number.

I said, “Get lost! Get your own number!”

I got a job building Egyptian tombs, but it turned out to be a pyramid scheme.

How do you turn a 3D printer into a 4D printer?

Just give it time.

This world-renowned cardiologist sadly died. He was so famous he was given an extremely elaborate funeral that was attended by his fellow physicians, family members, friends and members of the public who he’d treated over the years.

During the service, there was a huge heart made out of flowers that stood behind the casket. At the end of the service, the heart opened and the casket slowly rolled inside. When the casket had disappeared, the heart then closed, sealing the doctor inside forever.

Everyone was very emotional and crying at this beautiful moment, except for one mourner who burst into laughter. Everyone turned to stare angrily at him.

He said, “I’m sorry, I was just thinking about my own funeral – I’m a gynaecologist.”

Diarrhea is hereditary.

It runs in your jeans.

This morning I got up out of bed and then looked out of my window to see what the weather was like.

I saw a guy in a black hooded robe who was trying to clear the frost off his car with a scythe, so I thought I’d do the neighborly thing and go out and help him.

I was just about to walk out of the door when my wife grabbed me and shouted, “Stop! You’re de-icing with death.”

A student visits the principal’s office one day.

The principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?”

The student replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”

The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a jerk.

I went on a date with a librarian last night. It cost me a fortune.

My own fault really; keeping her out too long.

A guy got pulled over by a cop for speeding.

The cop said, “Do you know how fast you were going, Sir?”

The guy replied, “I was just trying to keep up with the traffic.”

The cop said, “There is no traffic, Sir.”

The guy answered, “That’s how far behind I am.”

The number of people saying “Boo!” to their friends has risen by 85% over the last year.

That’s a frightening statistic.

“Neither a borrower or a lender be”, my Dad always used to say to me.

Which was a bit odd because he was a librarian.

Apparently, head lice have now become resistant to the drugs normally used to treat them.

The problem has scientists scratching their heads.

My dad said to me, “Son, I want you to know you were adopted.”

I said, “You’ve got to be kidding me! Is that really true?”

He said, “Yes, get your things together. They’re picking you up in about an hour.”

I went to the doctor and told him that I’m having trouble ‘satisfying’ the wife.

He told me I should do what he does.

I asked, “What’s that, then?”

He said, “Earn 100k a year.”

I had a dream about a horse last night.

It turned out to be a night mare.

I went to the doctor yesterday and asked him to give me something for persistent wind.

He gave me a kite.

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his collection of guitars. The judge asked “First offender?”

She replied, “No, first a Gibson. Then a Fender.”

This guy always smoked two cigarettes at a time. If anyone ever asked him why, he would always answer, “I’m smoking one for myself and one for my brother who is in jail.”

One day he was only smoking one cigarette. Someone asked him “Is your brother out of jail?”

He replied, “No, I quit.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger has released a statement saying he won’t be upgrading to Windows 10.

He said, “I still love Vista, baby.”

I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today.

That’s seven years in a row now.

I’m in the army and this afternoon I got called in to see my commanding officer. He growled at me, “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning.”

I said, “Thank you very much, sir.”