Our bread and butter here at LaffGaff is funny jokes and they don’t come any better than these hilarious bread jokes and puns! Just what we kneaded!
Funny Bread Jokes
How do you feed 1,000 people with one loaf of bread?
You cut the ends and now you have endless bread.
I went to the zoo yesterday and I saw a piece of toast in a cage.
When I asked the keeper why, he said it was bread in captivity.
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keeps attacking him.
I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
Just got the perfect tool for making a good Indian flat bread.
It’s a naan stick pan.
What do you call a red-haired baker?
The ginger bread man.
I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once.
It’s a four loaf cleaver.
Why couldn’t the Australian general win the war on bread?
Because it was stale, mate.
Why aren’t pretzels counted as bread?
Because they’re knot-bread.
A man goes to the dentist with some broken teeth..
The dentist asks the man what happened, to which the man responds saying, “My wife cooked some chicken and roti (Indian flatbread) but the bread was very hard and stiff.”
The dentist replied, “You should have told her the bread was too hard and refused to eat it.”
To which the man replies, “Man, that’s exactly what I did!”
So I told my kids we were having some special Christmas bread.
You know, like the song.
“Ciabatta watch out. Ciabatta not cry…”
Did you hear about the guy who tried to steal a loaf?
He was caught bread-handed.
What’s the lazy baker’s favorite recipe?
I found a good bread recipe where I don’t have to get my hands messy from mixing it.
It is kneadless, to say.
An inventor shows his friend the first knife ever…
His friend says, “Wow! That’s the best thing since bread.”
The inventor says, “Well, I’m about to blow your mind.”
My girlfriend usually has peanut butter toast for breakfast, but this morning we were out of bread, and she’s been grouchy all day.
I never knew she was lack-toast intolerant.
I went to the store and bought 2 eggs, a loaf of bread, and some milk.
The cashier said, “You must be single.”
I responded, “How did you know?”
She said, “Because you’re ugly.”
A student baked a loaf of bread for foods class.
At the end of the class, his teacher returned the loaf and told him that he had gotten an A.
The student said: “Thanks, that’s just what I kneaded.”
“Back in the day,” my dad started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well. But today…” he lamented…
“Wherever you go, there are those darn cameras!”
Bread is like the sun.
Rises in the yeast, sets in the waist.
What do you call the German game where you throw bread at each other?
Why do all hotdogs look the same?
Because they are in bread.
A baker in my town accidentally fell inside a truck full of French bread.
He is in a lot of pain.
Did you hear about the baker who was obsessed with his bread?
He kneaded it all the time.
What did the sad baker say when his bread was complimented?
Thanks, I kneaded that.
My wife is addicted to bread dough.
She really kneads it.
I heard the baker’s parents were also bakers.
You could say he was bread for the job.
Why did the bread not go to the doctor?
Because it felt butter in the morning.
What did the German bread say to the other German bread?
Pita is my number 2 favorite bread.
It’s second to naan.
“I’ve got ants!”
“Oh yeah, well I’ve got taller ants!”
“Ok, well, I’ve got a tube of glue!”
“Ha, I’ve got an entire tin of glue!”
“I’ve got… bread!”
“Darn it, you win. I can’t handle that with my glue tin ‘n taller ants!”
I went to an Indian restaurant for some garlic bread.
But they had naan.
Did you guys know that the Soviet Union made the best bread in history?
People would wait days in line for a single piece.
I was at a restaurant and they asked if I wanted more bread.
I had a more-roll dilemma.
If a baker assaults somebody with a baguette…
Can he be charged with assault with a breadly weapon?
I’m starting a death metal band for people with Celiac’s Disease.
We’re called “Gluten for Punishment”.
Our first single is “Bread or Alive”.
What do you call 52 pieces of bread?
A deck of carbs.
Did you hear about the bread factory burning down?
They say the business is toast.
A friend of mine once told me that the best superpower would be the ability to detect the presence of Indian bread.
I said, “That’s naan-sense!”
My dad told me about a new Vietnamese soup that used bread instead of noodles.
I asked him if he was joking.
He said, “Nah, pho real dough.”
I believe that venison made from female deer should be classed as a form of bread.
After all, it’s cooked doe.
My wife was letting her bread dough rest even though she forgot to add yeast.
I told her she was only postponing the unleavenable.
What makes sandwiches perfect for rednecks?
They’re in bread.
Two old aged guys, one 70 and one 75, were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 75-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.
The 70-year-old was amazed at the guy’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 75-year-old said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”
So, on the way home the 70-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
He said, “Do you have any rye bread?”
She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?”
He said, “I want five loaves.”
She said, “My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it’ll be hard.”
He replied, “I can’t believe everybody knows about this stuff except me!?”
A wife sends her programmer husband to the grocery store for a loaf of bread.
On his way out she says, “And if they have eggs, get a dozen.”
The programmer husband returns home with 12 loaves of bread.
Does anyone else feel that white bread is superior?
Or am I just breadjudiced?
I didn’t feel like cooking tonight, so I made a sandwich for dinner.
It wasn’t so much as a sandwich as much as it was just bread.
I guess more just grain.
Distilled, fermented grain.
I had whisky for dinner tonight.
You order one pizza.
You love it.
Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread.
Before you know it, your eating pizzas for every meal, and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don’t get one.
That’s the domino effect.
My wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread.
“Are we expecting guests?” I asked.
“No,” she replied.
“Then why did you buy so much bread?”
If you make money selling Indian bread…
You run a Naan Profit Organization.