Some people claim that Irish jokes are wrong but here at LaffGaff, we like to laugh at everyone equally including ourselves! So we’re not taking the Mick when we say these are the best Irish jokes around, to be sure! You’ll be Dublin over with laughter in no time when you read them! So enjoy them!
Best Irish Jokes
Mick goes to visit Paddy one cold winter day and finds him building a brick wall in his living room.
“Bejesus, Paddy!” says Mick. “What are ye doin’?”
“It’s because of the snow,” replies Paddy.
Mick is confused. “But what’s snow got to do with you building a brick wall in your living room?” he asks.
“I’m working from home,” says Paddy.
Paddy texts his wife one evening and says, “Hi honey, I’ll be home in about half an hour, just having a beer with the boys. If I’m not home in half an hour… then read this text again!”
Mick is driving along the road and spots Paddy walking along the path.
He stops, winds down the window and asks, “Paddy, would you like a lift?”
Paddy replies, “No thanks, Mick. No need… I live in a bungalow.”
Paddy goes to the doctor complaining of stomach ache.
The doctor examines him and then says, “Well I can’t find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking.”
Paddy says, “Okay, I’ll come back when you’re sober, Doctor.”
What do you call an Irish man bouncing off the walls?
Rick O’ Shea.
Two Irish couples decide to liven up their sex lives by swapping partners for the night.
After three hours of wild sex, Paddy says, “I wonder how the girls are getting on”.
Paddy’s been sat at the bar for three hours now, trying to figure out why his sister has four brothers, whilst he only has three.
Paddy is working in a posh house when the woman asks him if he’d like a coffee.
Paddy says yes, the woman makes him one and he takes a sip.
“Excellent coffee,” he says.
“Thank you,” says the woman. “My husband brought it back from Brazil.”
“Amazing,” says Paddy, “And it’s still hot.”
Two unemployed Irishmen are walking down the road when they see a sign that reads, “Tree Fellers Wanted”.
One says to the other, “Bejaysus Paddy, what a pity there’s only two of us.”
Paddy and Murphy fancy a pint but only have one single euro between them.
Paddy goes off and buys a sausage much to Murphy’s disgust. Murphy says, “Are you mad? Now we’re skint!”
“Don’t worry, follow me,” says Paddy as he goes into a pub.
Murphy duly follows him, Paddy orders two pints and they drink them before they pay.
The Paddy shoves the sausage through the zipper of his jeans and tells Murphy to get down on his knee’s and suck it.
The barman goes berserk when he sees this happen and throws them out, meaning they don’t have to pay for their drinks.
They then go to the next pub and pull the same trick.
Ten pubs and ten pints later Murphy says, “I cant do this any more, Paddy, my knee’s are sore and my head is spinning from the ale.”
“How do you think I feel?”, says Paddy. “I can’t even remember which pub I lost the sausage in!”
Paddy and Murphy come across a girl who’s bike has a flat tyre and Murphy leaves Paddy to help her and goes on his way.
A few minutes later, Paddy passes Murphy riding the girl’s bike.
“What happened”? asks Murphy with surprise.
Paddy says, “Well, I fixed her bike and Bejaysus, she only takes her knickers off, lies on the ground and says, ‘Take what you want big boy!’ So I took the bike.”
Murphy says, “Good on ye, I’m sure the knickers wouldn’t fit ye anyway.”
Paddy and Mary decide to try a 69 to spice up their love life a little.
Paddy has never tried it before so Mary says she’ll show him. She tells him to lie on the floor and squats over him.
As she lowers herself onto his face she farts. She apologises and tries again but farts once more.
Paddy jumps up and storms out yelling, “I’m not hanging around for 67 more of them!”
Paddy is sat having a quiet drink in the bar when Murphy walks in cradling a lizard.
Paddy exclaims “Bejeezus Murphy, what the hell have you got there? It looks like some mad kind of swivel-eyed dinosaur type of thing?”
Murphy carefully sets his new pet down on the table and replies, “He’s a chameleon.”
Paddy lowers his head to the table until he’s almost nose to nose with the animal and says, “Go on then, tell me a joke!”
Two Irishman are making letter bombs. Paddy asks, “Mick, d’yer think I’ve put enough explosive in this envelope?”
Mick replies, “I don’t know, open it and see.”
“But it’ll explode.” says Paddy.
“Don’t be stupid,” Mick says, “It’s not addressed to you!”
Two Irishman are working at a building site when suddenly Seamus accidentally cuts his ear off.
Paddy runs over to him to see if he’s okay.
“Sure I am. I just need to find my ear,” says Seamus.
Paddy looks around, sees it on the floor, picks it up and tells Seamus he found it.
Seamus says, “Nah that’s not mine. Mine had a pencil behind it”
Two Irishman are at the job centre looking for work one day.
The job centre official asks them, “So what are you trained in?”
Murphy says, “Well I make women’s knickers on a sewing machine and Paddy here is a diesel fitter.”
“Okay,” says the official, “I can get work for you at £7 an hour and work for paddy at £12 an hour.”
“How come he earns more than me?” asks Murphy indignantly.
The official replies, “Because a diesel fitter is a skilled job whereas a sewing machine operator isn’t.”
“What are ya talking about?” says Murphy, “It’s me that does all the hard, skilled work making the knickers. He just sits there when I’m done, holds them up and says ‘Yep, diesel fitter'”.
Paddy and Mick are sent to prison one sad day.
Desperate to stay in touch with each other, they invent a code and tap messages to each other by banging on the hot water pipes with a spoon.
The system works perfectly for a time, but sadly it breaks down when they are transferred to separate cells.
Paddy went into a builder’s yard one day and ordered 20,000 red bricks.
The merchant asked Paddy what he was building. Paddy told him he was building a barbecue.
“Why the hell do you need so many bricks?” asked the merchant incredulously.
“I live on the 21st floor.” said Paddy.
Paddy orders a pizza at the local takeaway.
The guy behind the counter asks, “Would you like it cut into 4 or 6 slices?”
Paddy says, “4 please, I couldn’t possibly manage 6.”
Mick was decorating his bedroom and wasn’t sure how many rolls of wallpaper he would need, so he asked his mate Paddy that lived next door.
Paddy had recently done the same job in his house and the rooms were identical in size.
“Paddy,” asked Mick, “How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?”
“Ten,” said Paddy.
So Mick went out and bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but at the end he found he had 3 rolls leftover.
When he saw next saw Paddy he said to him, “Paddy, I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but have 3 leftover.”
“Yes,” said Paddy, “So did I”.
Paddy’s dog has been missing for a couple of days and he’s heartbroken so his wife says, “Why don’t you put a notice in the newsagent’s window?”
Paddy thinks this is great idea so he writes out a note and sticks it in the shop window.
After another couple of days pass, his wife says, “I thought we would have heard something by now, Paddy. What did you write in the notice?”
Paddy answers, “Here, Boy!!”
Paddy read that a third of people could expect to die in their own bed.
Since then he’s been sleeping in the spare room.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None.
What do you call an Irish baker?
A ginger bread man.
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman all walk into a pub with their wives.
They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says, “Could you pass the honey, honey?”
The Scotsman thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says, “Could you pass the sugar, sugar?”
The Irishman, not wanting to be out witted by the other two men, looks over at his wife and says, “Could you pass me the milk, ye cow?”
An Irish man frees a genie and, happy to be released from his confinement, the genie grants him 3 wishes.
The Irishman thinks about it for a while then says, “I want me a pint of Guinness that is never empty.”
So poof a pint appears, filled to the rim with the rich brown drink. The Irishman drinks it down, and when he places it back on the bar, it’s filled up again.
The genie than asks, “So, what would you like for your other two wishes, sir?”
“I want two more of these, then!”
An Irishman is pulled from a bar in blazes, covered in soot and ash. The firemen shake him awake and ask him, “What happened?! How did the fire start?”
The Irishman shrugs and says, “Beats me. It was already on fire when I got here.”
Two men are drinking at a bar one night.
The first man says to the other, “So, where you from?”
The second man answers, “Ireland.”
“Me too!” Exclaims the first man, “I’m from Galway.”
“I’m from Galway too!” Exclaims the other man.
The waitress sighs and says to the bartender, “Going to be a long night. The O’Leary brothers are drunk again.”
An Irishman takes his son to the zoo one day.
Whilst there, they see a sign that says, “Feed the elephant a bun to get your age.”
So the little boy gives the elephant a bun and it duly stomps its foot 6 times.
“Wow,” says the boy, “That’s right, I am 6. You have a go, Dad!”
So his dad also gives the elephant a bun.
A moment later the elephant farts and stomps twice.
“Bajaysus, that’s right,” said the father, “I am farty two!”
More Funny Jokes
If you enjoyed our funny Irish jokes, check out the rest of our people jokes, such as these:
