Sofa Nap

I’m having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep.

I call that a snors d’oeuvre.

Puzzled Look

My wife woke up the other day with a puzzled look on her face.

She’d fallen asleep on her crossword.

Tech Guy

I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech guy is asleep.

He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime.

Mattress Type

I can’t decide which type of mattress to buy.

I might have to sleep on it.

Woke Up Suddenly

I woke up suddenly, terrified I’m late for work.

I opened my eyes and chilled – I’m at work.

Two Shepherds

Two shepherds lean on their crooks at the end of a long day and the first asks the second, “So, how’s it going?”

The second one sighs and shakes his head, “Not good. I can’t pay my bills, my health isn’t good, my kids don’t respect me, and my wife is leaving me.”

The first replies, “Well, don’t lose any sheep over it.”

Neighbor Sleep

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2am this morning and said, “I can’t sleep.”

“Well it’s your lucky day,” I said. “We’ve got a party going on in here, come in.”

Dictionary Reader

I couldn’t sleep last night, so I read the dictionary.

By 3am I was past caring.

Stir Fry Bed

I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.

I must have been sleep wokking again.

Algebraic Terms

Last night, while my wife was asleep I decided to write algebraic terms all over her.

You should have seen the expression on her face.

Terrible Night

Terrible night last night. Dreamt something bit me on the neck.

Got up to check, but the mirror wasn’t working.

Mattress Sizes

If there’s a king sized mattress and a queen sized mattress, where does the prince sleep?

The heir mattress.

Daylight Saving Time

I heard they voted to remove daylight saving time.

I won’t lose any sleep over it.

Tiptoeing Nurse

Why did the nurse tiptoe past the medicine room?

Because she didn’t want to wake up the sleeping pills.

New Alarm Clock

For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping.

He’s in for a rude awakening.

Tired Dog

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.

I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour.

This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: “He lives in a home with four children – he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”

Heavy Sleeper

James Bond slept through an earthquake.

He was shaken, not stirred.

The Computer

My boss calls me “The computer”.

It’s nothing to do with intelligence; I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

Time For Bed

I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.”

She said, “What’s that got to do with anything?”

I said, “That means it’s pasture bedtime.”

Weird Nightmare

After being holed up in the house due to Covid-19, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.

Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.

Scared Joker

Why did The Joker have to sleep with his lights on?

Because he was afraid of the Dark Knight.

Late Broom

Why was the broom late for the meeting?

It overswept.

Retired Boxer

A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping.

“Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.

“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”

Insomnia Cure

I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.

I won’t rest till I find it.

Sleeping Pet

Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try.

My goldfish died.

Baby Astronaut

How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?

You rocket.

Pillow Thief

To the thief who stole my pillow, know this…

I will not rest until I find you.

Energy Drink

Someone stole 300 cans of Red Bull from my local store.

I don’t know how they can sleep at night.

Refusing To Sleep

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

That’s My Place!

My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight.

I had to explain to him that I was married now and that’s where I sleep.

Not A Good Combination!

Don’t ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

But if you do, you’ll sleep like a baby.

Airline Ban

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and be glad that you are alive?

I did and apparently won’t be allowed on this airline again …

Cure For Insomnia

I found a cure for my wife’s insomnia…

All I have to do is express a desire to make love to her and immediately she is too tired to do anything but sleep.

Just A Fantasy

I dreamed I drowned in an ocean made of orange soda.

When I woke I realized it was just a Fanta sea.

Eating When Can’t Sleep

I have a condition that makes me eat when I can’t sleep.

It’s called insom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nia.

The Urge To Sing

At any given moment the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is just a whim away.

A whim away. A whim away.

A Reason For Living

If you’re feeling down, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed.

It’ll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

Loud Snorer

Apparently I snore so loudly that …

I scare all the passengers in the car I’m driving.

The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

At this time of year, there’s nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep.

Maybe that’s why I’m no longer a fireman.

I Had A Dream

I had a dream about a horse last night.

It turned out to be a night mare.

Talking In Her Sleep

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

She nearly took my eye out.

Me And My Smelly Bum

My wife complains that she will not share the same bed as “me and my smelly bum.”

Well, I don’t like him sleeping on the street.

I Had A Dream

I had a dream last night where I was driving with one hand and flipping pancakes with the other.

I was tossing and turning all night.


I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from.

Then it dawned on me.