Sponge Front Door

My next-door neighbor’s front door is made of sponge.

Lots of people don’t like it, but I have to admit, I can’t knock it.

Dead Neighbor

I told my wife our next door neighbor died.

She said, “Who? Ray?”

I told her it was way too early to celebrate like that.

Sock Stealing Neighbor

I caught my neighbor stealing my socks off my clothesline.

I was going to confront him, but I got cold feet.

Neighbor Sleep

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2am this morning and said, “I can’t sleep.”

“Well it’s your lucky day,” I said. “We’ve got a party going on in here, come in.”

Nude Painting

I did my first nude painting yesterday.

The neighbors weren’t happy but the front door looks great!

Lip Reader

If I’m reading their lips correctly …

My neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

Competitive Neighbors

My neighbors are having a contest to see who can hang out their laundry on the line the fastest.

So far, it’s level pegging.

Community Garden

My neighbor just got arrested for ruining our community garden.

They charged him with disturbing the peas.

Understanding Cat

This morning I saw my neighbor talking to her cat.

It was obvious the poor women thought the cat understood her.

When I got home I told my dog… we laughed a lot.

Young Man Confession

A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned.”

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a while with the librarian, a young attractive single girl, then one thing led to another, and I ended up sleeping with her.”

The man stopped talking but kept weeping.

“Well don’t cry, it’s a sin but it is not that bad. You should say 5 Hail Marys and it will be forgiven,” said the priest.

“But it doesn’t end there,” the man kept sobbing. “A few days later my elderly neighbor asked me to help her with her computer. Her husband was hospitalized and she couldn’t send an email to her son. I went there and fixed the problem, but when I was about to leave, rain started pouring down. It was really stormy and I had to wait. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with the old lady.”

“Oh dear well that makes it harder indeed, but still – you should say 15 Hail Marys and you will be forgiven,” said the priest.

“Oh I’m afraid the worst part is still ahead,” cried the man. “Yesterday I went to the barber. I was his last client that day. As soon as he finished and was about to close the shop rain started pouring down so intensely, I had to wait with him. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with him as well.”

“Oh dear, it is indeed worse than I thought,” said the priest.

“So what should I do father?” the man asked.

“Well,” answered the priest, “You should get the hell out of here before it starts raining!”

New Neighbor

My wife said to me, “Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he goes to work, why don’t you do that?”

I said, “How can I? I don’t even know her.”


I’ve offered my elderly neighbor $20 to try out her stair lift.

I think she’s going to take me up on it.

Lionel Richie Songs

I’m so irritated with my neighbor today, he kept playing Lionel Richie songs at full blast. Normally I wouldn’t mind.

But it was All Night Long.

Water Supply

My old next door neighbor and I were good friends, so we decided to share our water supply.

We got a long well.

Rocket-Powered Deer

When I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, I immediately reported him to the authorities.

Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.

Rough Neighborhood

I grew up in a rough neighbourhood.

As a child people would cover me in chocolate, cream and put a cherry on my head.

It was tough in the gateau.

Shared Parking

I have a shared parking lot with my neighbor.

I don’t like him much, but I’ve decided to try to be his friend. After all…

We have a lot in common.


I’ve been bored recently so I’ve decided to take up fencing.

The neighbors said they’ll call the police if I don’t put it back.

Topless Sunbathing

My wife hates it when our next door neighbor sunbathes topless in her yard.

Personally I’m on the fence.

Disliked Farmer

Last night, my neighbor got on his tractor and started yelling, “The end is near!!”

I hate living next to Farmer Geddon.

Not My Gravel

My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall.

But it was his dumb asphalt.

Great Music

My neighbors are listening to great music.

Whether they like it or not.

Neighborhood Watch

In my community we have a neighborhood watch.

It’s actually more like a clock tower.


My neighbor’s in the Guinness Book of World Records for having the most concussions.

He lives very close to me. In fact, only a stone’s throw away.

Dog Name

I named my dog “Wifi”.

Because I stole it from my neighbor.

Drug Dealer

My neighborhood barber has been arrested for selling drugs.

I’ve been his customer for years …

I never knew he was a barber though.

Electric Fence

I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.

My neighbor is dead against it.

De-Icing The Car

This morning I got up out of bed and then looked out of my window to see what the weather was like.

I saw a guy in a black hooded robe who was trying to clear the frost off his car with a scythe, so I thought I’d do the neighborly thing and go out and help him.

I was just about to walk out of the door when my wife grabbed me and shouted, “Stop! You’re de-icing with death.”

My Neighbor Owes Me

A man visited his lawyer and said to him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?”

“Do you have any proof he owes you the money?” asked the lawyer.

“No,” said the man.

The lawyer said, “OK, then here’s what you should do. Send him a letter asking him for the $1,000 he owes you.”

“But it’s only $500,’ replied the man.

“Exactly! That’s what he’ll reply and then you’ll have your proof!”

An Inconsiderate Neighbor

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 AM this morning and asked “Do you know what time it is?”

Can you believe that, 2:30 AM?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

Should Be Enough

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.

My neighbor said, “Are you going to help?”

I said, “No, six should be enough.”

Autocorrected Text

A man received a text from his neighbor:

“I’m so sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I’ve been tapping your wife, day and night, when you’re not around. In fact, more than you. I’m not getting any at home, but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t happen again.”

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: “Darn autocorrect. I meant ‘wifi’ not ‘wife’!”

Wrong House

Some guy knocked on my door today and said, “I’ve got a parcel for your next door neighbor.”

I said, “You’ve got the wrong house then, mate.”