Neighbor Jokes

I caught my neighbor stealing my socks off my clothesline.

I was going to confront him, but I got cold feet.

If I’m reading their lips correctly …

My neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

My neighbors are having a contest to see who can hang out their laundry on the line the fastest.

So far, it’s level pegging.

My neighbor just got arrested for ruining our community garden.

They charged him with disturbing the peas.

A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned.”

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a while with the librarian, a young attractive single girl, then one thing led to another, and I ended up sleeping with her.”

The man stopped talking but kept weeping.

“Well don’t cry, it’s a sin but it is not that bad. You should say 5 Hail Marys and it will be forgiven,” said the priest.

“But it doesn’t end there,” the man kept sobbing. “A few days later my elderly neighbor asked me to help her with her computer. Her husband was hospitalized and she couldn’t send an email to her son. I went there and fixed the problem, but when I was about to leave, rain started pouring down. It was really stormy and I had to wait. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with the old lady.”

“Oh dear well that makes it harder indeed, but still – you should say 15 Hail Marys and you will be forgiven,” said the priest.

“Oh I’m afraid the worst part is still ahead,” cried the man. “Yesterday I went to the barber. I was his last client that day. As soon as he finished and was about to close the shop rain started pouring down so intensely, I had to wait with him. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with him as well.”

“Oh dear, it is indeed worse than I thought,” said the priest.

“So what should I do father?” the man asked.

“Well,” answered the priest, “You should get the hell out of here before it starts raining!”

I’ve offered my elderly neighbor $20 to try out her stair lift.

I think she’s going to take me up on it.

I’m so irritated with my neighbor today, he kept playing Lionel Richie songs at full blast. Normally I wouldn’t mind.

But it was All Night Long.

When I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, I immediately reported him to the authorities.

Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.

I grew up in a rough neighbourhood.

As a child people would cover me in chocolate, cream and put a cherry on my head.

It was tough in the gateau.

I’ve been bored recently so I’ve decided to take up fencing.

The neighbors said they’ll call the police if I don’t put it back.

Last night, my neighbor got on his tractor and started yelling, “The end is near!!”

I hate living next to Farmer Geddon.

My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall.

But it was his dumb asphalt.

My neighbors are listening to great music.

Whether they like it or not.

In my community we have a neighborhood watch.

It’s actually more like a clock tower.

My neighbor’s in the Guinness Book of World Records for having the most concussions.

He lives very close to me. In fact, only a stone’s throw away.

My neighborhood barber has been arrested for selling drugs.

I’ve been his customer for years …

I never knew he was a barber though.

This morning I got up out of bed and then looked out of my window to see what the weather was like.

I saw a guy in a black hooded robe who was trying to clear the frost off his car with a scythe, so I thought I’d do the neighborly thing and go out and help him.

I was just about to walk out of the door when my wife grabbed me and shouted, “Stop! You’re de-icing with death.”

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.

My neighbor said, “Are you going to help?”

I said, “No, six should be enough.”