Underwater Explosives
You think jokes about underwater explosives are bad?
Just wait until you sea mine.
Bad Puns
There are bad puns and then there are really bad puns and trust us, these are as bad as they get!
True Story
I just saw a film where someone sprayed meat juices all over a non-fiction book.
It’s baste on a true story.
Wardrobe Trouble
I always get frustrated trying to put my trousers in the wardrobe.
I think I have hanger management issues.
Weightlifting Vegetables
What do you call weightlifting vegetables?
Muscle sprouts.
Cat Ladies
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.
Cat Burglar
My cat got stolen.
I think she was taken by a purr snatcher.
Strange Disease
I went to see the doctor with a nasty rash on the top of my leg.
I said to him, “The strange thing is when I squeeze the pus out of the pimples, I hear pop songs playing”.
He said, “You have a severe case of spotty thigh”.
A Night In
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar.
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.
Baker
I used to know a baker who had red hair.
He was a ginger bread man.
Best Salesman
What do you call the best salesman at a funeral home?
The Top Urner.
Don’t Mess With The Wine
My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine.
So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she’s sangria then ever.
Communist Sniper
What do you call a Communist sniper?
A Marx-man.
Omega 3
My girlfriend threw some Omega 3 capsules at me today.
It’s okay though, I only have super fish oil injuries.
Miss Piggy
Why did Miss Piggy break up with her boyfriend?
Because he had Kermit-ment issues.
Well Dressed Man
What’s the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
Better Lie Low
I’ve just stolen a load of swimming inflatables.
I’d better lilo.
Insanity
I had a pun about insanity but then I lost it.
Cans Of Sprite
I went to the store to get 6 cans of Sprite.
I ended up picking 7 Up.
Wicker Chairs
Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship.
The first one asks, “Have you read Marx?”
The other one replies, “Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
Songwriter
I’ve just written a song about tortillas.
Actually, it’s more of a rap.
Circus Killer
How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler.
Guitar Attack
I was in the pub last night and this bloke said to me, “I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.”
I said, “Is that a fret?”
Pasta Car
My sister bet me 100 dollars that I couldn’t build a working car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
How To Tell The Sex Of An Ant
You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it in a bowl of water.
If it sinks: girl ant
If it floats: boy ant
Book Shelf
A book just fell on my head.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
War Veteran
My granddad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray.
He’s now classed as a seasoned veteran.
