Joke Of The Day Archives

My Grandma always used to say, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away. ”

I don’t know if that’s true, or just one of Granny’s myths.

I’ve just applied for a job in a salad packing factory.

The hours are terrible, but the celery is good.

The Beastie Boys are releasing a 5 part anthology.

Parts A-D are free, but you have to fight for your right to Part E.

What kind of music do lawn care specialists listen to?

Motown.

What’s a Karen’s favorite drink?

Whine.

Did you hear about the big Lego sale?

People were lined up for blocks.

What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up?

The mean increases.

What do you call a dad who studied dad jokes?

A sigh-entist.

My girlfriend came to me with a balloon that said, “Will you marry me?”

So I popped the question.

What do you call a cowardly dog?

A Golden Retreater.

Anyone can use my French Revolution joke.

It’s royalty free.

What’s the difference between an actor and a burnt rodent?

One’s Chris Pratt, the other is a crisp rat.

What do you call a tired skeleton?

The Grim Sleeper.

Dave walks into a magic shop.

He walks up to the man at the counter and asks, “What magic can you do?”

The man at the counter replies, “Voodoo, magic reversal, time travel, and …”

Dave interrupts him and says, “Wait, go back.”

Dave walks into a magic shop, and the man at the counter says to him, “That’ll be $30.75.”

How do kleptomaniacs like their eggs cooked?

Poached.

I’m a locksmith and also a musician.

I recently wrote a song which has a lovely key change.

A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow, “Mind if I say a word?”

She says, “Please do.”

The man clears his throat and says, “Bargain.”

The widow replies, “Thanks that means a great deal.”

I think my phone is broken.

I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.

I said to my son, “I need a battery so I can tell the time.”

He asked, “Is it for a clock?”

I answered, “I don’t know! That’s why I need the battery!”

I found out my wife is cheating on me today.

When I asked when she’d be home she said, “10-15 minutes max.”

My name is Stephen.

I can’t stand homeless people.

Every time I leave work, one of them approaches me and shakes his can full of coins just to show off how he has more money than me.

What do you call someone who’s allergic to burnt bread?

Black toast intolerant.

Did you know Jar Jar Binks has a brother who is a famous author?

Jor Jor Well.

What do you call a Mexican Jedi?

Obi-Juan Kenobi.

My girlfriend poked me in the eyes…

So I stopped seeing her for a while.

When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof…

I was shocked.

Police have confirmed that the man who fell from the 15th floor of the nightclub…

Was not a bouncer.

Never shout into a colander.

It’ll strain your voice.

In another 3028 years, there’s a chance that things will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

“Hey, girls,” says the brunette, “let’s go home early tomorrow. She’ll never know.”

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does.

The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband in bed with the female boss!

She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

Later, that day …

“That was fun,” says the brunette.

“We should do it again sometime.”

“No way,” says the blonde. “I almost got caught.”

Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon.

The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently.

When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said…

“No. That’s why we want to go to the moon.”

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her.

As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus.

So I ran after her shouting, “You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!”

She didn’t hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too.

As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, “You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald’s.”

“Thank you so much,” she said, “Where is it?”

I said, “I’ve just told you, on the floor outside McDonald’s.”

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, ‘Now, back off or I’ll kick the living daylights out of all of you!'”

St Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”

“Couple of minutes ago.”

I went to the doctor because every time I opened my eyes, I vomited everywhere.

He looked me over and said it was the worst case of see sickness he’d ever encountered.

If Arnold Schwarzenegger’s tombstone doesn’t say, “I’ll be back…”

Someone has made a grave mistake.

You’re offered $50,000, but if you accept it the person you hate the most in the entire world will get $100,000. You taking it?

Yes, why wouldn’t I want $150,000.

Why do the KGB thugs always walk around in threes?

One can read, one can write, and the third keeps an eye on the two intellectuals.

Completed in 1856, Big Ben was designed by architects Charles Barry and Augustus Welby Pugin and took 13 years to build.

Which is crazy long considering they were working around the clock.

Here’s a fun fact about bees. Most of them are actually allergic to pollen.

When exposed to pollen, bees develop hives.

Yesterday I went to the World’s Tiniest Wind Turbine exhibition.

Honestly not a big fan.

My friend was a struggling artist until he decided to just do sculptures.

He made over six figures last year.

Yesterday I saw two teenagers making out in the park.

It reminded me of my teenage days.

When I used to see other teenagers make out in the park.

The man who created autocorrect has died.

May he restaurant in peace.

Can anyone tell me what oblivious means?

I have no idea.

A man walks into a bar and says, “I’m here to drink my troubles away!”

“Well you’ve come to the right place,” says the bartender. “What’ll it be?”

The man replies, “One water please.”

“Just a water??”

“Yeah, I have kidney stones.”

My dog swallowed a whole bag of Scrabble tiles so we took him to the vet to get him checked out.

No word yet.

I asked my friend Sam to sing a song about the iPhone.

And then Samsung.

What does a Jedi’s broken roof do?

Leak Skywater.

Why are lasers always right?

Because they make a great point.

I’m going to stop making tire puns.

They’re not gaining much traction anyway.