Leftover Tacos

My kids refused to eat leftover tacos for dinner, so my wife asked me to throw them out.

I did. Now I have no idea what to do with the tacos.

Men In Camouflage

My wife claims that men in camouflage look really sexy.

I just don’t see it.

Multiple Marriages

What do you call a man that has been married and divorced multiple times?

Lord of the Rings.

Save The Planet

If we are to be serious about saving the planet, we should stop printing calendars.

They’re the reason our days are numbered.

Barbers

Barbers, eh?

You sure do have to take your hat off to them.

Ladies Man

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet.

He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

Bartender Break Up

My bartender friend just broke up with her boyfriend.

He keeps asking her for another shot.

Joint Business

What would Wonder Woman and Spider-Man name their business?

Amazon Web Services.

Mattress Sizes

If there’s a king sized mattress and a queen sized mattress, where does the prince sleep?

The heir mattress.

Fourth Birthday Party

Today was my son’s fourth birthday party.

I didn’t recognize him at first.

I’d never seen him be four.

Flossing

Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Shaking my head. “Dude, you were there!”

Stabbing Statistic

Studies say most stabbings are committed by someone close to the victim.

Within arm’s length, to be specific.

Outspoken

Husband: “Scientists have found that men say about 10,000 words a day, while women say about 20,000…”

Wife (shouts from the kitchen): “It’s because we have to repeat everything twice to you blockheads!”

Husband: “What?”

Farm Job

I got a job at a farm but I resigned because they didn’t have horses.

I wanted something more stable.

Pulled Over

I got pulled over today and the cop asked if I knew why he pulled me over…

I replied, “Is it because you want to see how tall I am?”

He said, “Step out of the car, sir.”

See, I knew it…

Poker Obsession

My wife says she is thinking of leaving me because of my obsession with poker.

But I think she’s bluffing.

An Apple A Day

My Grandma always used to say, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away. ”

I don’t know if that’s true, or just one of Granny’s myths.

Salad Packing Factory

I’ve just applied for a job in a salad packing factory.

The hours are terrible, but the celery is good.

Beastie Boys Anthology

The Beastie Boys are releasing a 5 part anthology.

Parts A-D are free, but you have to fight for your right to Part E.

Lego Sale

Did you hear about the big Lego sale?

People were lined up for blocks.

School Bullies

What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up?

The mean increases.

Balloon Proposal

My girlfriend came to me with a balloon that said, “Will you marry me?”

So I popped the question.

Cowardly Dog

What do you call a cowardly dog?

A Golden Retreater.

Actor And Rodent

What’s the difference between an actor and a burnt rodent?

One’s Chris Pratt, the other is a crisp rat.

Magic Shop

Dave walks into a magic shop.

He walks up to the man at the counter and asks, “What magic can you do?”

The man at the counter replies, “Voodoo, magic reversal, time travel, and …”

Dave interrupts him and says, “Wait, go back.”

Dave walks into a magic shop, and the man at the counter says to him, “That’ll be $30.75.”

Locksmith Musician

I’m a locksmith and also a musician.

I recently wrote a song which has a lovely key change.

Funeral Speech

A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow, “Mind if I say a word?”

She says, “Please do.”

The man clears his throat and says, “Bargain.”

The widow replies, “Thanks that means a great deal.”

Broken Phone

I think my phone is broken.

I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.

Battery Needed

I said to my son, “I need a battery so I can tell the time.”

He asked, “Is it for a clock?”

I answered, “I don’t know! That’s why I need the battery!”

Cheating Wife

I found out my wife is cheating on me today.

When I asked when she’d be home she said, “10-15 minutes max.”

My name is Stephen.

Homeless People

I can’t stand homeless people.

Every time I leave work, one of them approaches me and shakes his can full of coins just to show off how he has more money than me.

Bread Allergy

What do you call someone who’s allergic to burnt bread?

Black toast intolerant.

Author Brother

Did you know Jar Jar Binks has a brother who is a famous author?

Jor Jor Well.

Mexican Jedi

What do you call a Mexican Jedi?

Obi-Juan Kenobi.

Eye Poker

My girlfriend poked me in the eyes…

So I stopped seeing her for a while.

Nightclub Faller

Police have confirmed that the man who fell from the 15th floor of the nightclub…

Was not a bouncer.

Colander

Never shout into a colander.

It’ll strain your voice.

Could Go Either Way

In another 3028 years, there’s a chance that things will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

Early Finish

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

“Hey, girls,” says the brunette, “let’s go home early tomorrow. She’ll never know.”

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does.

The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband in bed with the female boss!

She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

Later, that day …

“That was fun,” says the brunette.

“We should do it again sometime.”

“No way,” says the blonde. “I almost got caught.”