Leftover Tacos
My kids refused to eat leftover tacos for dinner, so my wife asked me to throw them out.
I did. Now I have no idea what to do with the tacos.
My kids refused to eat leftover tacos for dinner, so my wife asked me to throw them out.
I did. Now I have no idea what to do with the tacos.
Where does 007 invest his money?
Bonds. Stocks and bonds.
My wife claims that men in camouflage look really sexy.
I just don’t see it.
What do you call a man that has been married and divorced multiple times?
Lord of the Rings.
If we are to be serious about saving the planet, we should stop printing calendars.
They’re the reason our days are numbered.
Barbers, eh?
You sure do have to take your hat off to them.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet.
He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
My bartender friend just broke up with her boyfriend.
He keeps asking her for another shot.
What would Wonder Woman and Spider-Man name their business?
Amazon Web Services.
If there’s a king sized mattress and a queen sized mattress, where does the prince sleep?
The heir mattress.
Today was my son’s fourth birthday party.
I didn’t recognize him at first.
I’d never seen him be four.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Shaking my head. “Dude, you were there!”
Studies say most stabbings are committed by someone close to the victim.
Within arm’s length, to be specific.
Husband: “Scientists have found that men say about 10,000 words a day, while women say about 20,000…”
Wife (shouts from the kitchen): “It’s because we have to repeat everything twice to you blockheads!”
Husband: “What?”
Why did the programmer quit his job?
Because he didn’t get arrays.
Why did the blacksmith go to jail?
For forgery.
What is Bigfoot’s favorite exercise?
Sasquats.
I got a job at a farm but I resigned because they didn’t have horses.
I wanted something more stable.
I got pulled over today and the cop asked if I knew why he pulled me over…
I replied, “Is it because you want to see how tall I am?”
He said, “Step out of the car, sir.”
See, I knew it…
My wife says she is thinking of leaving me because of my obsession with poker.
But I think she’s bluffing.
My Grandma always used to say, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away. ”
I don’t know if that’s true, or just one of Granny’s myths.
I’ve just applied for a job in a salad packing factory.
The hours are terrible, but the celery is good.
The Beastie Boys are releasing a 5 part anthology.
Parts A-D are free, but you have to fight for your right to Part E.
What kind of music do lawn care specialists listen to?
Motown.
What’s a Karen’s favorite drink?
Whine.
Did you hear about the big Lego sale?
People were lined up for blocks.
What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up?
The mean increases.
What do you call a dad who studied dad jokes?
A sigh-entist.
My girlfriend came to me with a balloon that said, “Will you marry me?”
So I popped the question.
What do you call a cowardly dog?
A Golden Retreater.
Anyone can use my French Revolution joke.
It’s royalty free.
What’s the difference between an actor and a burnt rodent?
One’s Chris Pratt, the other is a crisp rat.
What do you call a tired skeleton?
The Grim Sleeper.
Dave walks into a magic shop.
He walks up to the man at the counter and asks, “What magic can you do?”
The man at the counter replies, “Voodoo, magic reversal, time travel, and …”
Dave interrupts him and says, “Wait, go back.”
Dave walks into a magic shop, and the man at the counter says to him, “That’ll be $30.75.”
How do kleptomaniacs like their eggs cooked?
Poached.
I’m a locksmith and also a musician.
I recently wrote a song which has a lovely key change.
A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow, “Mind if I say a word?”
She says, “Please do.”
The man clears his throat and says, “Bargain.”
The widow replies, “Thanks that means a great deal.”
I think my phone is broken.
I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.
I said to my son, “I need a battery so I can tell the time.”
He asked, “Is it for a clock?”
I answered, “I don’t know! That’s why I need the battery!”
I found out my wife is cheating on me today.
When I asked when she’d be home she said, “10-15 minutes max.”
My name is Stephen.
I can’t stand homeless people.
Every time I leave work, one of them approaches me and shakes his can full of coins just to show off how he has more money than me.
What do you call someone who’s allergic to burnt bread?
Black toast intolerant.
Did you know Jar Jar Binks has a brother who is a famous author?
Jor Jor Well.
What do you call a Mexican Jedi?
Obi-Juan Kenobi.
My girlfriend poked me in the eyes…
So I stopped seeing her for a while.
When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof…
I was shocked.
Police have confirmed that the man who fell from the 15th floor of the nightclub…
Was not a bouncer.
Never shout into a colander.
It’ll strain your voice.
In another 3028 years, there’s a chance that things will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
“Hey, girls,” says the brunette, “let’s go home early tomorrow. She’ll never know.”
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does.
The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband in bed with the female boss!
She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
Later, that day …
“That was fun,” says the brunette.
“We should do it again sometime.”
“No way,” says the blonde. “I almost got caught.”