Joke Of The Day Archives

You’re offered $50,000, but if you accept it the person you hate the most in the entire world will get $100,000. You taking it?

Yes, why wouldn’t I want $150,000.

Why do the KGB thugs always walk around in threes?

One can read, one can write, and the third keeps an eye on the two intellectuals.

Completed in 1856, Big Ben was designed by architects Charles Barry and Augustus Welby Pugin and took 13 years to build.

Which is crazy long considering they were working around the clock.

Here’s a fun fact about bees. Most of them are actually allergic to pollen.

When exposed to pollen, bees develop hives.

Yesterday I went to the World’s Tiniest Wind Turbine exhibition.

Honestly not a big fan.

My friend was a struggling artist until he decided to just do sculptures.

He made over six figures last year.

Yesterday I saw two teenagers making out in the park.

It reminded me of my teenage days.

When I used to see other teenagers make out in the park.

The man who created autocorrect has died.

May he restaurant in peace.

Can anyone tell me what oblivious means?

I have no idea.

A man walks into a bar and says, “I’m here to drink my troubles away!”

“Well you’ve come to the right place,” says the bartender. “What’ll it be?”

The man replies, “One water please.”

“Just a water??”

“Yeah, I have kidney stones.”

My dog swallowed a whole bag of Scrabble tiles so we took him to the vet to get him checked out.

No word yet.

I asked my friend Sam to sing a song about the iPhone.

And then Samsung.

What does a Jedi’s broken roof do?

Leak Skywater.

Why are lasers always right?

Because they make a great point.

I’m going to stop making tire puns.

They’re not gaining much traction anyway.

I heard they voted to remove daylight saving time.

I won’t lose any sleep over it.

“Dad, can I eat the cake in the fridge?”

“Sure, but the dining room would probably be more comfortable.”

What is a chef’s favorite soft drink?

Baking soda.

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.

“Lord, I have a problem!”

“What’s the problem, Eve?”

“Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”

“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.

“Lord, I am lonely, and I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“What’s a man, Lord?”

“This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But… he’ll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he’s aroused, but since you’ve been complaining, I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be too smart, so he’ll also need your advice to think properly.”

“Sounds great.” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. “What’s the catch, Lord?”

“Well… you can have him on one condition.”

“What’s that, Lord?”

“As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring… So you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. But remember, it’s our little secret… You know, woman to woman.”

If you ever want to quit drinking, eat twizzlers.

They’re not alcohol but they’re liquorish.

I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said, “Everytime you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place…”

I asked, “Are you single?”

She replied, “No, I’m a dentist.”

It’s official. My career is in ruins.

I just got a job as an archaeologist.

A friend of mine is a nun, and she’s up at 5:00 every day.

“How do you do it?” I asked.

“Simple,” she answered, “You get into the habit.”

In Greek mythology, Chiron is a half-man half-horse who had great knowledge of medicine and health.

So he’s a centaur for disease control.

I recently joined a support group for people who talk a lot.

We call ourselves On and On Anon.

What’s it called when you die and come back as a hillbilly?

Reintarnation.

I’m really tired of people complaining about the price of everything.

$2 for coffee, $3 for coat check, $4 for an hour of parking…

I’m just going to stop inviting them to my house.

You think gas prices are expensive, have you seen chimneys?

They’re through the roof.

What is the hardest cult to join?

The diffi-cult.

Andrew Garfield, Tobey McGuire and Tom Holland got into an accident upon arriving at a party.

As it turns out, they’re terrible parallel parkers.

What do you call a detective who just solves cases accidentally?

Sheer Luck Holmes.

My wife begged me to stop making police related puns.

I said, “Okay, I’ll give it arrest.”

What’s the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?

One is disgusted by a rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by a lack of RAM.

My dad is obsessed with The Beatles and is missing just one of their songs from his record collection.

He needs Help.

Two robbers are robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber, “Is this whiskey?”

The other robber says, “Yeah, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank.”

How does music say goodbye?

Audios!

What do you call someone who steals noodles from the rich and gives them to the poor?

Ramen Hood.

What does “idk” stand for?

I’ve asked lots of people but nobody seems to know.

I was abducted by aliens.

They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.

Turns out I was on the mothership.

How do you get a secret message out of a cemetery?

You decrypt it.

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long!

Growing up we didn’t have a lot of money.

I had to use a hand-me-down calculator with no multiplication symbol on it.

Times were hard.

What does Arnold Schwarzenegger call a colonoscopy?

Cameron Diaz.

How much does an influencer weigh?

An Instagram.

I bought 75% of shares in a vampire hunting business.

I’m the main stakeholder.

Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways.

He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector asked, “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?”

Billy Bob replied, “I would switch the points for one of the trains.”

“What if the lever broke?” asked the inspector.

“Then I’d dash down out of the signal box,” said Billy Bob, “and I’d use the manual lever over there.”

“What if that had been struck by lightning?”

“Then,” Billy Bob continued, “I’d run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box.”

“What if the phone was busy?”

“Well in that case,” persevered Billy Bob, “I’d rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there.”

“What if that was vandalized?”

“Oh, well then I’d run into town and go get my Uncle Lester.”

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?”

Billy Bob answered, “Well, Uncle Lester ain’t never seen a train wreck!”

Once upon a time there was a king who was only 12 inches tall.

He was a terrible king but he made a great ruler.

Please don’t use odd and obscure colognes and perfumes…

Common scents, people!

My dentist is a really mean guy.

He always hurts my fillings.

My buddy just got a job in marketing with Kellogg’s cereals.

I guess you could say his job is Raisin Bran awareness.