Joke Of The Day Archives

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a splint out of matchsticks.

His little face lit up when he tried to walk.

I got so drunk last night that I started a fight with a mop.

To be fair, I wiped the floor with it.

Military recruiter: So what got you guys interested in the Marine Corps?

Enormous horde of hagfish, isopods and bottom-feeding crustaceans: Oh, uh, is that how you pronounce it?

My wife upset me earlier.

She said I had a face like the back of a boat.

I gave her such a stern look.

I moved into a bungalow recently.

I was going to move into a house, but that’s another storey!

What do you call a group of deaf cows?

Not herd.

I hurt my knee slipping on ice in front of the police station.

I went inside to complain but they charged me with a fell-on-knee.

I just had a game of darts with a zombie and an alien.

One undead and E.T.

I got trapped in the snow globe factory overnight.

I’m OK, just a little shaken.

I called the mic check man an idiot.

He said, “It takes 1,2,1,2 know one.”

My friend got a job repairing ladders.

He’s working his way to the top.

I sat next to a baby for a 10 hour flight.

I didn’t think it was possible for someone to scream for 10 hours straight.

Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

First day as a vampire hunter: Wow, this is easy!

First night as a vampire hunter: Oh no!

“What’s your biggest weakness?” asked the job interviewer.

“I don’t know my own strengths,” I replied.

“What’s your biggest strength?”

“I contradict myself.”

What did the color say to the other color?

I love hue.

I informed my family that someone in the house was secretly an owl in disguise and our oldest daughter asked, “Who?”

Honestly, never suspected her.

How do 37 mathematicians board a bus with only 36 seats?

They carry the one.

Today I started an argument with my wife while riding in an elevator.

I was wrong on so many levels.

Last night, while my wife was asleep I decided to write algebraic terms all over her.

You should have seen the expression on her face.

Why did the chicken go to the gym?

To work on his pecks.

Welcome to The Shouting Club hotline.

We’re currently experiencing very high call volumes.

Slightly faulty quiz machine for sale.

No questions asked!

What neutralizes formaldehyde?

Casualdejekyll.

If the tinfoil hat crowd secretly runs everything, would that make them …

The Aluminati?

My neighbor just got arrested for ruining our community garden.

They charged him with disturbing the peas.

Did you hear about the pregnant bed bug?

She’ll be having a baby in the spring.

I went to a Russian Bee Gees cover band concert last week.

The KGBGs.

My girlfriend asked me, “When we go to Egypt, can we go on a camel?”

I told her, “Don’t be silly. It would take ages to get there.”

I’m starting a new business recycling discarded chewing gum.

I just need some help getting it off the ground.

I was attacked by a flock of sheep today.

Luckily I was only grazed.

I went out with my girlfriend to a fancy restaurant last night and she kept insisting on paying for the meal.

I said, “Don’t be stupid, we’re half way down the road now. Just keep running!”

The bad news is, I dropped my cactus today.

The worse news is that I caught it.

My wife, to our therapist: He always misunderstands simple questions.

Therapist, to me: What does she mean?

Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.

Free to a good home – two glove puppets.

No cash wanted, I just want to get them off my hands.

I bought a lettuce from a grocery store owned by The Mamas and the Papas but it’s already gone off.

All the leaves are brown.

I just got a job as a cuckoo in a cuckoo clock.

It’s not the best job in the world, but it gets me out of the house.

Today’s weather forecast:

S O
E S
H R W

Scattered showers.

Why do drum kits have the strongest password protection?

Because they contain special cymbals.

I went to the bookstore and asked the employee, “Do you have any books written by Shakespeare?”

He said, “Of course. Which one?”

I said, “William.”

My blind wife left me.

At least she isn’t seeing anyone else.

There’s a 3-letter word for 24 hours, but I can’t remember it. I’m tired.

I think I’ll call it a day.

I walked past a boy sitting on the steps of the local YMCA stroking a large, white feather.

I said, “Young man, there’s no need to feel down.”

Which celebrity is always ready for cereal?

Reese. With her spoon.

While admiring some dinosaur bones in the Museum of Natural History, a tourist asks the guard, “How old are they?”

The guard replies, “They are 73 million, four years, and six months old.”

“That’s a rather exact number,” says the tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?”

“Well,” answers the guard, “The dinosaur bones were seventy three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”

What nationality is Santa?

North Polish.

My biggest fear is being trapped in a small room with Santa.

I have Claustrophobia.

To whoever lost an iPhone 14 Pro Max outside the train station yesterday…

Can you please stop calling my new phone?