Joke Of The Day Archives

Why was the fart scientist so successful?

His observations were very asstoot.

Our local auctioneer has passed away.

He was somewhere around 30? 35? 35? 40.

My wife says I’m getting fat, but in my defense…

I’ve had a lot on my plate recently.

This morning I met a man carrying a door handle.

I asked him why he had it.

He said, “It gets me out of the house.”

I don’t understand the hate lazy people get.

They didn’t do anything.

I’m writing a book about hurricanes and tornadoes.

It’s only a draft at the moment.

My wife has banned me from making any more breakfast puns.

She says if I make any more I’m toast.

A girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture.

I told her I’m just looking for a match.

My wife just confessed that she broke my favorite lamp.

I don’t think I’ll be able to look at her in the same light ever again.

We had a contest at work for the best neckwear.

It was a tie.

I once posed naked for a magazine.

The shop keeper wasn’t having it and told me I’d have to give him cash like everyone else.

My sister just delivered a baby.

I knew she had it in her.

Thieves who stole 3 ton of tarmac have been in hiding for 2 months now.

A police spokesman said, “We are hoping they will resurface soon.”

Improper Fraction Helpdesk.

Now open 24/7.

What do you call cheese that accidentally escapes the International Space Station?

Space de Brie.

I met a nun that wiped her nose on her clothes.

She had a nasty habit.

I received a text from my wife saying she was breaking up with me.

Imagine how relieved I was when a couple of minutes later she texted, “Sorry wrong number”.

I saw an elderly man at the supermarket collecting the trolleys.

He must have been pushing seventy.

Did you know that T-shirt is actually an abbreviated version of Tyrannosaurus shirt?

Because of the short arms.

My neighbors are having a contest to see who can hang out their laundry on the line the fastest.

So far, it’s level pegging.

My wife Rose is leaving me because of my obsession with pens.

Bye Rose.

Anyone out there wanting a pair of fake binoculars?

Look no further.

I thought that training as an airport baggage handler would be fairly simple.

But actually there’s a lot to take on board.

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age.

The next day she locked me in the cellar.

My mom was a radiologist. She met my dad when he came in for an x-ray.

I wonder what she saw in him.

Why couldn’t Cleopatra accept Mark Antony’s death?

She was the queen of denial.

My friend just quit his job at BMW.

He gave no indication he was leaving.

On my first day at astronaut training, I vomited and asked the instructor, “Is this normal?”

He said, “Not during a written exam, no.”

What do you call a belt made out of lobsters?

A waist of good seafood.

Why are narwhals so good at card games?

Because they have a great poker-face.

This morning I coughed up a pawn, a knight and a bishop.

I must have a chess infection.

Someone asked me what the 9th letter of the alphabet was.

It was a complete guess, but I was right.

Today I learned you can use disposable masks to brew espresso.

That’s because they’re coughy filters.

I’ve entered the annual tightest hat competition in our town, this year.

I’m just hoping that I can pull it off.

What do you call a woman who’s really good at darts?

Amy.

The sales guy kept pushing, even though I’d already said, “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!”, “Net!”, “Nein!”

But he wouldn’t take no foreign answer.

Did you know it’s impossible to eat baklava underground?

Because then it’s bakmagma.

I went to a seance last night.

I don’t know what possessed me.

I’ve just started a band called The Subtractions.

Take it away boys!

The inventor of the water jug died today.

Tributes have been pouring in.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

Those were the days …

What do you get when an elephant runs over Batman and Robin?

Flatman and Ribbon.

I went out for a run tonight, but had to go back after two minutes because I’d forgotten something.

I’d forgotten that I’m fat, out of shape and can’t run for more than two minutes.

My wife told me that I should put a clean pair of socks on every day.

By Friday, I couldn’t get my shoes on.

The man who invented auto correct walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

I’m starting my own plumbing services review website.

Dripadvisor.

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a splint out of matchsticks.

His little face lit up when he tried to walk.

I got so drunk last night that I started a fight with a mop.

To be fair, I wiped the floor with it.