Joke Of The Day Archives

If anyone knows how to correct cosmetic surgery that’s gone horribly wrong …

I’m all ears.

I did my first nude painting yesterday.

The neighbors weren’t happy but the front door looks great!

“I went to a karaoke bar in South East Asia once.”

“Singapore?”

“Yeah, they were all rubbish.”

What did the evil chicken lay?

Devilled eggs.

If I’m reading their lips correctly …

My neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

I got arrested today for walking out of an art museum with a painting.

I’m just so confused because earlier when I asked the security if I could take a picture they said “yes”.

My girlfriend is leaving me because she can’t stand the herbs I have been using in the kitchen.

Bae leaves.

My wife asked me what “mansplaining” means.

Now what am I supposed to do?

I’ve written a musical called ‘Goldfish’.

It’s very similar to ‘Cats’, although ‘Memory’ is a lot shorter.

My local supermarket is exchanging old novels for certain root vegetables.

That’s a turnip for the books.

Someone stole my broken calculator, but I don’t know why.

It just doesn’t add up.

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He couldn’t budget.

My therapist said she wants to treat me with ygolohcysp.

But I told her reverse psychology doesn’t work on me.

I couldn’t sleep last night, so I read the dictionary.

By 3am I was past caring.

“What’s wrong, Bubba?” asked the pastor.

“I need you to pray for my hearing,” said Bubba.

The pastor put his hands on Bubba’s ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, “So how’s your hearing?”

“I don’t know,” said Bubba. “It isn’t until next Tuesday.”

A man goes to the doctor complaining about stomach problems, so the doctor asks him what he’s been eating.

“I only eat pool balls,” he says. “Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner.”

“I see the problem,” says the doctor. “You’re not getting enough greens.”

My geography teacher asked if I could name a country with no R in it.

I said, “No way.”

I ran out of food and I had to steal from next door’s herb garden.

I’m living on borrowed thyme.

What do you call a snake wearing a hard hat?

A boa constructor.

My doctor told me I’m at risk of heart disease because I eat too much sodium.

I took his advice with a grain of salt.

My Dad always said that it was rude to point.

Great Dad, terrible bricklayer.

My brother and I are really competitive when it comes to buying gifts for our mother’s sister.

This year, my brother bought her a stairlift.

He’s really upped the Auntie this time.

There’s no way I’m working for my boss after what he said to me.

He said, “You’re fired!”

I’ve just started reading a book about fantastic underground rooms.

It’s a best cellar.

I told a joke on a Zoom meeting and no-one laughed.

It turns out I’m not remotely funny.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly squats.

My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath.

But I can’t even finish drinking the hot bath.

There is a self depreciation course starting at my local college next term.

I’ve already put myself down.

A man was seriously injured today after being run over by a reversing car.

Police are appealing for the driver to come forward.

Having regained consciousness after a car accident, the doctor is trying to convince me that I am actually a Swedish guy and I have lost my memory.

Does he think I was Bjorn yesterday?

I watched a movie last night where Patrick Swayze teaches a girl how to type on a keyboard.

QWERTY Dancing.

I was going to propose to my girlfriend but my dog ate the ring.

Now it’s a diamond in the ruff.

When I was young, I was poor.

After many years of hard work, I am no longer young.

I hate people who use physically impossible metaphors.

They make my blood boil.

I’ve decided from Monday that I’ll stop using spray deodorants.

Roll on next week!

Someone broke into my office and stole all the coffee cups.

I’ve got to go to the police station later to look at some mugshots.

I baked a giant chocolate eclair yesterday but couldn’t finish it.

I’d bitten off more than I could choux.

I enjoyed my first time ever bobbing up and down in the sea yesterday.

It’s been my dream ever since I was a little buoy.

Police are hunting a knitting needle attacker.

They think he’s following some sort of pattern.

My yoga teacher is from Jamaica.

She teaches the Pilates Of The Caribbean.

When my father died, he wanted his ashes pressed into a record.

It was his vinyl request.

What is the most dangerous type of canoes?

Volcanoes.

What do French people call a really bad Thursday?

A trajeudi.

What did the Egyptians use to travel to the Underworld?

A new bus.

Wife: Do men wipe after they pee?

Aging husband: Yes. Wipe the floor, wipe the rim, wipe the wall …

A group of dolphins is called a pod, and a group of falcons is called a cast.

So if you ever watch the Miami Dolphins play the Atlanta Falcons, technically, you’re watching a pod-cast.

Arguing with my wife is like reading a software license agreement.

In the end, I ignore it all and click “I agree.”

My mum always used to say, “40 is the new 30”.

Lovely woman, banned from driving…