Joke Of The Day Archives

My wife gets a terrible headache whenever I cook with wheat, barley, or rice.

She suffers from my grains.

I told my son, “Have you heard that they’re shutting down all food resources in schools so that children can’t eat?”

“Canteens?” he asked.

“No, it doesn’t matter what age,” I replied.

A woman goes to the butchers, “I’d like an oxtail please.”

“Certainly” replies the butcher. “Once upon a time, there was an ox …”

Why did the artist only take showers?

They couldn’t draw a bath.

I was walking barefoot on the beach and stepped on a rusty piece from an old video game.

Now I have to get a Tetris shot.

I couldn’t find my underwear this morning.

I looked around and found them after a brief search.

Everyone has heard of Count Dooku, the character from Star Wars.

But his wife Sue – she’s quite a puzzle to figure out.

Did you hear about the wig shop that got robbed?

They’re looking into replacing all the locks.

I said to my wife, “I’ve lost the dictionary.”

She said, “Have you looked upstairs?”

I said, “I can’t look up anything!”

What’s the difference between Boba Fett and a time machine operated by Marty McFly?

One’s a Mandalorian, and the other’s a manned DeLorean.

My friend was sent to prison last year for excessive burping.

He’s finally been let out with a pardon.

My wife just asked me if I’d finished making puns about small onions.

I said, “Yes, that shallot”.

My dad used to say, “The first rule of theater is to always leave them wanting more”.

Great guy. Terrible anesthetist.

Therapist: What brings you in today?

Me: I have a terrible fear of tsunamis.

Therapist: How bad is it?

Me: It comes in waves.

My friend got taken to hospital because he’s convinced that he’s turned into a vacuum cleaner.

Just phoned to see how he is and they say he’s picking up.

I went for a job interview on a construction site mixing sand, gravel and cement.

I think I got the job but nothing’s concrete yet.

My friend Emma is a radiologist in the X-Ray department.

I call her ‘Boney Em’.

I read a book last night called, “How to End Sentences with Beatles Song Titles”.

That’s two hours of my life I won’t get back.

My wife and I have agreed to never go to bed angry with each other.

So far, we’ve been up for three days.

I’ve just finished my degree in sandwich fillings.

I do my final eggs ham tomorrow.

My boss accused me of never taking him seriously.

“I don’t agree with that,” I told him.

He said, “Can I see you in my office?”

I said, “Depends if the lights are on.”

I was fired from my job as a test marker.

I don’t know why; I always gave 100%.

I’m looking to buy an old lighthouse.

Nothing flashy.

As I was getting into bed, she said, “You’re drunk.”

I said, “How do you know?”

She said, “You live next door.”

I recently joined a support group for people who talk a lot.

We call ourselves On and On Anon.

I said to my wife, “Did you know Old McDonald’s farm has been taken over by Artificial Intelligence?”

Her: AI?

Me: AI.

Her: Oh.

“Winnie The Pooh’s gone to the Caribbean.”

“Antigua?”

“No, I think he went with Piglet.”

What do you call a chicken in your family that is not related to you?

Stephen.

My wife made a list of the ten reasons she wants a divorce.

1. I don’t seem to care.
2. I’m not a good listener.
3. Etc.

I often go to fancy dress parties dressed as a shark.

Quite honestly, the novelty is wearing a little fin.

For my next trick, I will eat a percussion instrument in a bap.

Drum roll please.

As soon as space travel is possible, I’m moving from the Milky Way to the Soymilky Way galaxy.

I’m galactose intolerant.

What country is full of angry people?

Ireland.

What kind of beer do vampires drink?

Blood light.

A chemist froze himself at -273.15 C, and everyone said he was crazy.

It turned out he was 0K.

The mayor in my city just passed a law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week.

Well it’s not a law, it’s a mandate.

I asked my wife, “Do you know a three letter word for ‘eggs’?”

Her: It’s ova.

Me: Why? Is it because I’m terrible at crosswords?

My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.

So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.

If anyone knows how to correct cosmetic surgery that’s gone horribly wrong …

I’m all ears.

I did my first nude painting yesterday.

The neighbors weren’t happy but the front door looks great!

“I went to a karaoke bar in South East Asia once.”

“Singapore?”

“Yeah, they were all rubbish.”

What did the evil chicken lay?

Devilled eggs.

If I’m reading their lips correctly …

My neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

I got arrested today for walking out of an art museum with a painting.

I’m just so confused because earlier when I asked the security if I could take a picture they said “yes”.

My girlfriend is leaving me because she can’t stand the herbs I have been using in the kitchen.

Bae leaves.

My wife asked me what “mansplaining” means.

Now what am I supposed to do?

I’ve written a musical called ‘Goldfish’.

It’s very similar to ‘Cats’, although ‘Memory’ is a lot shorter.

My local supermarket is exchanging old novels for certain root vegetables.

That’s a turnip for the books.