Joke Of The Day Archives

My wife asked me why I wanted to be cremated.

I told her it’s because it’s my last hope for a smoking hot body.

When I came home from work, my wife said “Ugh, the baby has been crying for hours. Can you take over?”

I said, “Sure” and started crying for hours.

What’s it called when you steal your bike back from the thief?

Recycling.

I heard that you should always look into a mirror before making a big decision.

It helps you reflect.

My friends got a new house, and I paid for them to get underfloor heating.

It was a house warming gift.

I called the incontinence hotline yesterday.

The lady asked if I can hold for a few minutes.

Did you hear that NASA is about to launch a new mission to say sorry to aliens for Earth polluting space?

It’s called Apollo G.

I once met a shy pebble.

She wished she was a little bolder.

I asked the dentist what the cavity procedure would entail.

He said, “Let me fill you in.”

What do you call an Irish tomb full of coins?

A crypt o’currency.

I picked up a hitchhiker last night.

He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”

A father was buying bass lessons for his son.

After the 1st week the father asked him what he had learned.

The son said, “On my 1st lesson we learned about the E string.”

The 2nd week came and after the lesson the father asked what had he learned that week.

The son said, “On the 2nd lesson I learned about the A string.”

The 3rd week came by and the father said to his son, “You know these are expensive lessons, what have you learned this week?”

The son said, “I quit the lessons, I already got a gig.”

I met a woman who had five children.

When I asked what their names were, she said, “Who, What, Where, When, and Why”.

That made me think, “Wow. She’s raising a lot of questions”.

I looked up the definition of opaque in the dictionary.

It wasn’t very clear.

What do you call a sleepy relative?

Nap-kin.

I returned my lizard to the pet store as he wouldn’t stop telling dad jokes.

“That’s not a lizard,” the store clerk told me.

“That’s a stand-up chameleon.”

Two shepherds lean on their crooks at the end of a long day and the first asks the second, “So, how’s it going?”

The second one sighs and shakes his head, “Not good. I can’t pay my bills, my health isn’t good, my kids don’t respect me, and my wife is leaving me.”

The first replies, “Well, don’t lose any sheep over it.”

Did you know Peruvian owls always hunt in pairs?

That’s because they’re Inca hoots.

Thank you for phoning the fishing help center.

Please hold the line.

I first met my wife at a Spanish themed party.

We both had castanets and we just clicked.

I was starting my new job at the pharmacy this morning when a guy walked in.

“I’ve got a blocked nose, a sore throat and my head feels like it’s going to explode,” he said, “Have you got anything?”

I said, “No, I feel fine.”

We got our dogs some glow in the dark treats for their birthday.

You should have seen their little faeces light up.

What do you call it when all your mother’s sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?

Vigil aunties.

I dropped a really big crumb on my laptop keyboard. Turned out to be nothing to worry about though.

It’s under Ctrl.

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.

I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.

It was a big surprise when the advertising company went out of business.

No one saw the signs.

I took a job at a broth factory.

The salary is low but at least there are stock options.

Scientists have developed a breed of transparent cattle. Unfortunately they’re super aggressive.

Steer clear.

I was walking down the road this morning and first got hit by a violin, then a clarinet and then a piano.

I think it was an orchestrated attack.

I got in line to watch Oppenheimer around lunchtime, but I realized it was three hours long and I was starving.

So I went to the Barbie queue instead.

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2am this morning and said, “I can’t sleep.”

“Well it’s your lucky day,” I said. “We’ve got a party going on in here, come in.”

I went to a costume party last night, dressed as a screwdriver.

Turned a few heads.

I’ve spent the last 25 years of my life as a professional trophy maker.

It’s a rewarding career.

I’ve got a new job at the chess factory.

I’m on knights next week.

My girlfriend broke up with me and took all my pasta.

She left me penne-less.

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies, “That would be my wife.”

I used to have a job collecting leaves.

I was raking it in.

My friend told me I needed to let my hair down and relax.

But I couldn’t find one, so I did the next best thing and disappointed a rabbit.

My dad gave me some advice a few years ago.

He said, “Son, if you ever get into a fight in a bar, just take a ball from the pool table and put it in your sock.”

Worst advice ever. I could hardly run.

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a giraffe.

I didn’t win a prize but I still left with my head held high.

A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini.

The bartender asks him, “Dry?”

The German replies, “Nein danke, just one.”

I asked my doctor how to cure water on the brain.

He suggested a tap on the head.

I fired my personal trainer because he made me lift weights with my belly.

I just couldn’t handle all the ab use.

My friend Gary lost all his hair in a freak accident at the biscuit factory.

Garibaldi.