Joke Of The Day Archives

I’ve found that answering the door naked helps deter trick or treaters.

Oh here we go again, two dressed up as cops.

McDonald’s are now incorporating meat from endangered species into their burgers.

Just had a quarter panda.

Playing soccer as a young boy, I would run around the pitch randomly shouting 66, 78, 93, 139, 267.

I was just there to make the numbers up.

I was in a cafe today and two waitresses had a massive row over how long to leave a teabag in the cup and it got so bad it ended up in violence.

I asked the manager what had happened and he told me it had been brewing for ages.

A guy just offered me fifty thousand a year to work for him at the Brittle Bones Society.

I snapped his hand off.

I’m writing a series of books about making things louder.

I’m on the final volume now.

Earlier this evening I paused a film to make a cup of tea.

I’ve now lost my job at the cinema.

When did the block of marble realize she should really get a better sculptor?

When he took her for granite.

What do you call a fish that has completed 8 years of medical school?

A brain sturgeon.

My HR rep at work wants me to sign up for the company’s 401k.

But there’s no way I can run that far.

My son might not be the best roofer in the world.

But he is up there.

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon.

It never really took off.

My son told me he just watched a guy do 100 straight push-ups, and asked me if I could do that.

“Sure, son,” I said. “Heck, I could probably watch a guy do 500 straight push-ups.”

It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress.

Tomorrow I’m going there in person to see what’s really going on.

Did you hear about the boy who was impaled by a trampoline spring?

He’s hurt, but will bounce back.

I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants.

It was in the non-friction section.

How does a train hear another train coming?

With its engineers.

I pirated a movie last night.

Gave it 3.14 stars.

Why did the apple do Pilates?

To work on his core.

Why did the bank robbers call their travel agent?

To plan a getaway.

I’m going on a camping holiday but I’m not happy with my travel insurance.

Apparently, if my tent blows away during the night I’ll no longer be covered.

Just got back from Crete where I had a very brief visit to see the Labyrinth.

It was only a minor tour.

BREAKING NEWS! Airport police are concerned at the number of passengers smuggling helium filled balloons in their luggage.

Cases continue to rise.

I went to the bar at Wimbledon dressed as a tennis ball.

I got served straight away.

My cat always gets excited when I put the movie “Flashdance” on.

What a feline!

I’ve entered the World Push-Up Championships.

I’m going to win it, hands down.

Gloria Gaynor invited six people round for dinner but one didn’t turn up.

“That’s OK,” she told her guests, “I will serve five.”

I couldn’t decide which Asian food I wanted more, Japanese or Chinese.

So I just called it a Thai.

My wife said I look like a Greek god.

Her actual words were, “Put your clothes on, we’re in a museum” but I know what she meant.

A truck filled with Worcestershire sauce and a truck filled with quinoa crashed in front of the local charcuterie shop.

When asked by reporters what had happened, a witness replied, “Well… it’s kind of hard to say…”

Some may wonder how scientists were able to develop the invisible lizard so quickly …

But it was clear from the gecko.

I bumped into a beautiful woman while out today.

She asked for my phone number… then my insurance info.

Someone tried to explain binary to me.

I couldn’t understand a bit of it.

Did you hear about the author who used a period after every word?

He. Got. Sentenced. To. Death.

The cashier told me, “Strip down facing me.”

By the time I realized she meant the debit card, it was too late.

My barber realised that his scissors weren’t working so he apologized.

I said, “Well sorry’s not gonna cut it.”

I gave up drinking and ate noodles instead.

I’ve been soba for six months now.

I’ve just finished reading a book called, How to Avoid Getting Ripped Off.

Best $100 I ever spent!

My wife asked me why I wanted to be cremated.

I told her it’s because it’s my last hope for a smoking hot body.

When I came home from work, my wife said “Ugh, the baby has been crying for hours. Can you take over?”

I said, “Sure” and started crying for hours.

What’s it called when you steal your bike back from the thief?

Recycling.

I heard that you should always look into a mirror before making a big decision.

It helps you reflect.

My friends got a new house, and I paid for them to get underfloor heating.

It was a house warming gift.

I called the incontinence hotline yesterday.

The lady asked if I can hold for a few minutes.

Did you hear that NASA is about to launch a new mission to say sorry to aliens for Earth polluting space?

It’s called Apollo G.

I once met a shy pebble.

She wished she was a little bolder.

I asked the dentist what the cavity procedure would entail.

He said, “Let me fill you in.”

What do you call an Irish tomb full of coins?

A crypt o’currency.

I picked up a hitchhiker last night.

He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”

A father was buying bass lessons for his son.

After the 1st week the father asked him what he had learned.

The son said, “On my 1st lesson we learned about the E string.”

The 2nd week came and after the lesson the father asked what had he learned that week.

The son said, “On the 2nd lesson I learned about the A string.”

The 3rd week came by and the father said to his son, “You know these are expensive lessons, what have you learned this week?”

The son said, “I quit the lessons, I already got a gig.”