Selfie Stick Thief

To the person who stole my selfie stick…

You need to take a long look at yourself.

SCUBA Acronym

SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym.

For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.

Cremation Wish

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated.

She made an appointment for Tuesday.

Dollar Belt

What do you call a belt made out of hundred dollar bills?

A waist of money.

Strong Knife

I bought a knife that can cut through four loaves of bread at once.

It’s a four loaf cleaver.

Strange Burglar

I’ve just seen a burglar kicking his own door in.

I asked, “What are you doing?”

He said, “Working from home.”

Origami Workshop

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.

Conjoined Twins

My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.

I have an uncle, once removed.

Backwards Muffins

What is muffins spelled backwards?

Exactly what you do when you take them out the oven.

Lost His Magic

What do you call a magician who has lost their magic?

Ian.

Paddle Boat

I recently started taking my paddle boat out on the lake.

I feel like canoe person.

Better Bags

I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.

It was… the worst case scenario.

Pear Tree

What does a pear tree do before growing it’s fruit?

It pre-pears.

Bucket List

All of my friends have such expansive bucket lists.

Mine is a little pail in comparison.

Rocket-Powered Deer

When I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, I immediately reported him to the authorities.

Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.

Australian Meringue

I was watching an Australian cooking show, and the audience applauded when the chef made a meringue.

I was surprised. Usually Australians boo meringue.

What Room?

A man is staying in a hotel. He walks up to the front desk and says, “Sorry, I forgot what room I’m in, can you help me?”

The receptionist replies, “No problem, sir. This is the lobby.”

Guillotine Factory

I just got a new job at the guillotine factory.

I’ll beheading there shortly.

Jane Eyre Book

I just sat on the sharp corner of my hardcover copy of Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte.

Now I’ve got a Bronte sore ass.

Mashed Potatoes

What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?

Anyone can mash potatoes.

Failed Math Exam

I failed my calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.

It was hard to differentiate between them.

Naming Convention

Son: Why is my sister’s name Paris?

Dad: Because we conceived her in Paris.

Son: Thanks dad.

Dad: No problem Quarantine.

Mixed Up Monkeys

What do you call a bunch of monkeys all mixed up?

An orangatangle.

Movie Plot Idea

I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris, but it turns out that idea was taken.

I had another idea for one where the same agent is kidnapped with his wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.

Man In Camouflage

My wife claims that a man in camouflage is really sexy.

I just don’t see it.

Dog Minder

If I had a penny for everyone who asked me to look after their dogs…

I’d have a pound.

No Toilet Paper

Run out of toilet paper and having to use lettuce leaves.

Today was the tip of the iceberg.

Feeling Numb

English puns make me feel numb.

But math puns make me feel number.

Chest Hair

My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.

I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.

Alphabet Soup

You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for…

Times new ramen!

Blacksmith Interview

I went for an interview at a blacksmith’s yesterday.

The blacksmith asked me, “Are you any good at shoeing horses?”

I said, “No, but I once told a Donkey to get lost.”

Secret Taxidermist

I hate telling people I’m a taxidermist.

When they ask, “So, what do you do for a living?” I just say, “Oh, you know… stuff.”

Two Crows

My roommate tried to keep two crows in our apartment as pets.

The police arrested him for attempted murder.