Free Glove Puppets

Free to a good home – two glove puppets.

No cash wanted, I just want to get them off my hands.

Off Lettuce

I bought a lettuce from a grocery store owned by The Mamas and the Papas but it’s already gone off.

All the leaves are brown.

Cuckoo Clock

I just got a job as a cuckoo in a cuckoo clock.

It’s not the best job in the world, but it gets me out of the house.

Strongest Passwords

Why do drum kits have the strongest password protection?

Because they contain special cymbals.

Shakespeare Books

I went to the bookstore and asked the employee, “Do you have any books written by Shakespeare?”

He said, “Of course. Which one?”

I said, “William.”

Blind Wife

My blind wife left me.

At least she isn’t seeing anyone else.

24 Hours

There’s a 3-letter word for 24 hours, but I can’t remember it. I’m tired.

I think I’ll call it a day.

Local YMCA

I walked past a boy sitting on the steps of the local YMCA stroking a large, white feather.

I said, “Young man, there’s no need to feel down.”

Angry Girlfriend

My girlfriend was really angry when I gave her a box of photos of all her old boyfriends for Christmas.

I don’t know why, she said she wanted an ex box.

Horse Ranch

It’s so depressing working on a horse ranch.

I’m surrounded by neigh-sayers.

Cereal Celebrity

Which celebrity is always ready for cereal?

Reese. With her spoon.

Dinosaur Bones

While admiring some dinosaur bones in the Museum of Natural History, a tourist asks the guard, “How old are they?”

The guard replies, “They are 73 million, four years, and six months old.”

“That’s a rather exact number,” says the tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?”

“Well,” answers the guard, “The dinosaur bones were seventy three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”

Biggest Fear

My biggest fear is being trapped in a small room with Santa.

I have Claustrophobia.

New Phone

To whoever lost an iPhone 14 Pro Max outside the train station yesterday…

Can you please stop calling my new phone?

Clock Juggler

I’ve been teaching myself to juggle clocks.

People are saying I’ve got too much time on my hands.

Darth Vader Order

What does Darth Vader order at Indian restaurants?

Lots of naan, naan, naan, naan naan naan, naan naan naan.

Favorite Element

My favorite element in the periodic table is ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQSTUVWXYZ.

Or, as it’s also known, R gone.

Helsinki Air Stewardess

I used to date an air stewardess from Helsinki.

I dropped her off at work one day, and she just vanished into Finnair.

Paleontologist Dating App

I’ve decided to launch a brand new dating app exclusively for paleontologists.

I’m going to call it ‘Carbon Dating’.

Jaws Backwards

Fun Fact: Did you know if you watch Jaws backwards …

It’s a very heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms and legs to disabled people.

Banana Spelling

Did you know the original spelling of banana was “bannanna”?

The present spelling was adopted about 250 years ago during the Enlightenment.

Pie Circumference

When measuring the circumference of a pie, using one pie is not enough.

But 2πr.

Impossible Vegetable Pun

Someone told me that it’s impossible to make a pun about vegetables.

I said that’s not nececelery true.

Gandalf Fired

Why did Gandalf get fired from the university?

No matter how hard they studied, he kept telling all the students, “You shall not pass!”

Higher Rank

Who has a higher rank than a lieutenant?

A lieulandlord.

Christmas Breakfast

A newly-married couple wakes up on their first Christmas morning together.

The wife kisses her husband on the cheek and says, “Merry Christmas, hun! Don’t get up, I have a surprise for you. As your first Christmas present, I’m going to make you your favorite breakfast in bed… Eggs Benedict!”

“Wow, great!” says the husband, propping himself up in bed as his wife scampers away to the kitchen.

A little time and lots of clanging and cooking later, the wife returns with a beautiful plate of Eggs Benedict; fresh and steaming hot on a plate.

The husband smiles from ear to ear as he takes the plate from his wife, but gets a slightly quizzical look on his face when he notices that the plate is one he’s never seen before.

Instead of their usual dinnerware, this plate is a shiny, silvery metallic one.

“This is wonderful, darling!” the husband says. “But what’s with the fancy plate, did you get it especially for today?”

“Of course I did,” beams the wife. “It’s Christmas! There’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”

Visit Greenwich

I am driving through England, and plan to stop at Greenwich tomorrow.

No idea what to do in the Mean Time.

Bird Spies

How do you know that birds are spies?

Because they are always in de skies.

Pet Termite

I’ve decided I want a pet termite. I’m going to call him Clint.

Clint Eatswood.

Brown Bear Damage

I want to tell you about the North American brown bear and the damage it can do to a feeble human.

But I’ll spare you the grizzly details.

Antique Furniture

This furniture goes back to Louis the 14th.

Really?

Yes, unless we pay Louis by the 13th.

Stolen Dictionary

I was really angry when I ran into my friend Mark who stole my dictionary.

I said, “Mark, my words!”

Overturned Truck

A truck loaded with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway.

Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.

Dog Heaven

If all dogs go to heaven, where do cats go?

Purrrgatory.

Elevator Operator

I got an elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said, “Have a good day, son.”

“Don’t call me son,” I said. “You’re not my dad.”

He scratched his head, “No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?”

Net Meeting

I met my wife on the net.

We were both bad trapeze artists.

Pedantic Husband

My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.

I told her, “I think you mean fewer”.

Duck Muzzle

I bought a new muzzle for my pet duck the other day.

Nothing fancy, but it fits the bill.

Grey And Gray

What’s the difference between grey and gray?

One is a color, and the other is a colour.

Girlfriend Yoga

My girlfriend asked if I wanted to start doing yoga with her.

I said, “Well this puts me in an awkward position.”

Love Machine

My girlfriend was devastated when she found out the reason why my nickname is “The Love Machine”.

It’s because I’m terrible at tennis.