Free Glove Puppets
Free to a good home – two glove puppets.
No cash wanted, I just want to get them off my hands.
Free to a good home – two glove puppets.
No cash wanted, I just want to get them off my hands.
I bought a lettuce from a grocery store owned by The Mamas and the Papas but it’s already gone off.
All the leaves are brown.
I just got a job as a cuckoo in a cuckoo clock.
It’s not the best job in the world, but it gets me out of the house.
Today’s weather forecast:
S O
E S
H R W
Scattered showers.
Why do drum kits have the strongest password protection?
Because they contain special cymbals.
I went to the bookstore and asked the employee, “Do you have any books written by Shakespeare?”
He said, “Of course. Which one?”
I said, “William.”
My blind wife left me.
At least she isn’t seeing anyone else.
There’s a 3-letter word for 24 hours, but I can’t remember it. I’m tired.
I think I’ll call it a day.
I walked past a boy sitting on the steps of the local YMCA stroking a large, white feather.
I said, “Young man, there’s no need to feel down.”
My girlfriend was really angry when I gave her a box of photos of all her old boyfriends for Christmas.
I don’t know why, she said she wanted an ex box.
It’s so depressing working on a horse ranch.
I’m surrounded by neigh-sayers.
Which celebrity is always ready for cereal?
Reese. With her spoon.
While admiring some dinosaur bones in the Museum of Natural History, a tourist asks the guard, “How old are they?”
The guard replies, “They are 73 million, four years, and six months old.”
“That’s a rather exact number,” says the tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?”
“Well,” answers the guard, “The dinosaur bones were seventy three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”
What nationality is Santa?
North Polish.
My biggest fear is being trapped in a small room with Santa.
I have Claustrophobia.
To whoever lost an iPhone 14 Pro Max outside the train station yesterday…
Can you please stop calling my new phone?
I’ve been teaching myself to juggle clocks.
People are saying I’ve got too much time on my hands.
What does Darth Vader order at Indian restaurants?
Lots of naan, naan, naan, naan naan naan, naan naan naan.
What do you call a man who gives students money?
Grant.
My favorite element in the periodic table is ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQSTUVWXYZ.
Or, as it’s also known, R gone.
I used to date an air stewardess from Helsinki.
I dropped her off at work one day, and she just vanished into Finnair.
What do Santa’s elves listen to whilst they work?
Wrap music.
I’ve decided to launch a brand new dating app exclusively for paleontologists.
I’m going to call it ‘Carbon Dating’.
Fun Fact: Did you know if you watch Jaws backwards …
It’s a very heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Did you know the original spelling of banana was “bannanna”?
The present spelling was adopted about 250 years ago during the Enlightenment.
When measuring the circumference of a pie, using one pie is not enough.
But 2πr.
Someone told me that it’s impossible to make a pun about vegetables.
I said that’s not nececelery true.
Why did Gandalf get fired from the university?
No matter how hard they studied, he kept telling all the students, “You shall not pass!”
Who has a higher rank than a lieutenant?
A lieulandlord.
A newly-married couple wakes up on their first Christmas morning together.
The wife kisses her husband on the cheek and says, “Merry Christmas, hun! Don’t get up, I have a surprise for you. As your first Christmas present, I’m going to make you your favorite breakfast in bed… Eggs Benedict!”
“Wow, great!” says the husband, propping himself up in bed as his wife scampers away to the kitchen.
A little time and lots of clanging and cooking later, the wife returns with a beautiful plate of Eggs Benedict; fresh and steaming hot on a plate.
The husband smiles from ear to ear as he takes the plate from his wife, but gets a slightly quizzical look on his face when he notices that the plate is one he’s never seen before.
Instead of their usual dinnerware, this plate is a shiny, silvery metallic one.
“This is wonderful, darling!” the husband says. “But what’s with the fancy plate, did you get it especially for today?”
“Of course I did,” beams the wife. “It’s Christmas! There’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”
I am driving through England, and plan to stop at Greenwich tomorrow.
No idea what to do in the Mean Time.
How do you know that birds are spies?
Because they are always in de skies.
My kids think I use outdated technology.
But they’re just ignoring the fax.
Why are dentists’ graves hard to find?
There’s no plaque.
I just found out that my new electric toothbrush is not waterproof.
I was shocked.
I’ve decided I want a pet termite. I’m going to call him Clint.
Clint Eatswood.
I want to tell you about the North American brown bear and the damage it can do to a feeble human.
But I’ll spare you the grizzly details.
This furniture goes back to Louis the 14th.
Really?
Yes, unless we pay Louis by the 13th.
I was really angry when I ran into my friend Mark who stole my dictionary.
I said, “Mark, my words!”
What do rich people say when they tickle their baby?
Gucci Gucci Gucci.
A truck loaded with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway.
Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.
If all dogs go to heaven, where do cats go?
Purrrgatory.
I got an elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said, “Have a good day, son.”
“Don’t call me son,” I said. “You’re not my dad.”
He scratched his head, “No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?”
I met my wife on the net.
We were both bad trapeze artists.
My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.
I told her, “I think you mean fewer”.
I bought a new muzzle for my pet duck the other day.
Nothing fancy, but it fits the bill.
What’s the difference between grey and gray?
One is a color, and the other is a colour.
My girlfriend asked if I wanted to start doing yoga with her.
I said, “Well this puts me in an awkward position.”
A man with authority walks into a bar.
He orders everyone a round.
My girlfriend was devastated when she found out the reason why my nickname is “The Love Machine”.
It’s because I’m terrible at tennis.