LaffGaff Archives

Apparently, Kim Jong-un has read every book ever written.

That’s why they call him the Supreme Reader.

Why do French people eat snails?

Because they don’t like fast food.

“Hello everyone, and welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I have to say I’m pretty disappointed.”

If you’re feeling down, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed.

It’ll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, “Let there be light.”

There was still nothing, but now you could see it.

How do you make a car go backwards without touching it?

Reverse psychology.

What’s blue and not very heavy?

Light blue.

My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her.

I said, “Nah, it’s probably womb temperature.”

I had to break up with my cross-eyed girlfriend.

Apparently, she was seeing someone else on the side.

I left my phone at home so I borrowed my friend’s to call my girlfriend.

She answered, “Hi, honey!”

What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!

My wife left me because I’m too insecure.

No wait, she’s back.

She just went to make a cup of tea.

Yesterday, I painted half of my face like a clown and went for a drive.

I don’t think anyone saw the funny side.

Why did the feminist fail algebra?

She couldn’t solve inequalities.

It turns out my high school chemistry teacher was right.

Alcohol IS a solution.

Global warming is a joke.

Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

I got pulled over by a traffic cop. He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.”

I said, “Scissors, I win…” and I drove off.

He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages.

I wish I could be ugly for one day.

Being ugly every day sucks.

I dropped my mobile phone from the 21st floor of a building yesterday.

Good thing it was in airplane mode.

“Dad, look! I’m a 3D printer!”

“Johnny, close the door if you’re taking a poop.”

What’s the difference between a boy scout and a guy who fixes bicycle horns?

One’s motto is “Be Prepared”, the other’s motto is “Beep Repaired”.

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.

After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.

So Noah asked them,”Why aren’t you multiplying?”

The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

Did you hear what NASA’s new slogan is going to be when their budget is cut?

“The sky’s the limit”.

Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Donald Trump’s wall.

On the condition he gets to install windows.

I just read Donald Trump’s book “The Art Of The Deal”.

It had four Chapter 11s in it.

I got pulled over for speeding by a woman police officer.

I almost talked my way out of it by telling her she looked stunning.

Then I messed up by saying, “And that’s not even the drink talking!”

My Dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice.

Must be why I’m an only child.

I told my new girlfriend that I want to be a millionaire like my Dad.

She said, “Wow, your Dad’s a millionaire?”

I said, “No, but he wants to be.”

Every Yo Momma joke has been done thousands of times, by thousands of people.

Kinda like yo momma.

Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump.

But that’s a silly comparison really. It’s like comparing apples with oranges.

Where do Dads keep their jokes?

In their dadabase.

They say you should test your fire alarm at least once a month.

But it’s costing me a fortune in houses.

What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?

A father in law.

People compare Donald Trump and Hitler all the time, but there’s one major difference.

Hitler was good at making speeches.

My girlfriend kept saying I should treat her like a princess.

So I forced her to marry an old guy she’s never met to secure an alliance with the French.

What do you call an emo a capella group?

Self Harmony.

What do you call a girl who catches fish?

Annette.

This morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.

After 15 minutes of driving on the highway, I realized I left my car at home.

I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible.

I think she must have given me a cold or something.

I put a black hole in my living room.

It’s great.

Really pulls the room together.

What’s the fastest liquid on the planet?

Milk. It’s pasteurized before you see it.

A death row prisoner was told how he was going to be executed.

Needless to say, he was shocked.

What do you call a procrastinating woodpecker?

A would-pecker.

What sound does a 747 make when it bounces?

Boeing, Boeing, Boeing.

My wife is turning 32 soon.

I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked.

I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”

If anyone ever asks you to spell “part” backwards don’t do it.

It’s a trap.

The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters…

So Trump can’t tweet them.

What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air?

A dead centipede.

A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is.

A student puts his hand up and says, “G, miss”.

The teacher asks, “Why is that, Angus?”

A man and his wife are having an argument.

The wife yells, “Get out of the house, I hate you! I want a divorce, get out now!”

Then, as her husband is walking out the door, she screams, “I hope you die a slow and painful death!”

The husband stops and says, “Hang on a minute, now you want me to stay?”

Why did Jesus look so ripped during crucifixion?

Crossfit.