LaffGaff Archives

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlor to get a tattoo.

After it wouldn’t wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlor wasn’t there.

What happens if someone steals uranium?

It becomes theiranium.

Why is North Korea so heartless?

Because they have no Seoul.

The women I meet in bars always have the worst pick up lines.

They’re like, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?”

Never works on me, ladies.

I dreamed I had to write my own epitaph.

That’s a grave sign.

How do you make gold soup?

Put 24 carrots in it.

I came home from work yesterday to find someone had stolen all my lamps.

I was delighted.

My neighbor’s in the Guinness Book of World Records for having the most concussions.

He lives very close to me. In fact, only a stone’s throw away.

My wife has a whale tattooed on her butt.

It used to be a dolphin.

I got a parking ticket for being parked illegally the other day and I’ve no idea why.

The sign clearly said, “Fine for parking”.

Cop: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?

Miner: Mine.

Never give a donation to anyone collecting for a marathon.

They’ll take the money and run.

Why was the jazz movie rated R?

Too much sax and violins.

To this day, the boy who used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside”.

My Mom told me I’d never amount to anything because I procrastinate too much.

I said, “Oh, yeah? Just you wait.”

Why did the blonde snort Sweet and Low?

She thought it was diet coke.

Why did Donald Trump marry an immigrant?

Once again, immigrants are doing the jobs no American wants to do.

What do you call it when prisoners take their own mug shots?

Cell-fies.

I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them.

He said, “By mistake?”

I said, “Oh come on, not you as well!”

I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.

I’m ex-static!

What kind of fish is made from just two sodium atoms?

2 Na.

I’ve started a business where I weigh tiny objects.

It’s a small scale operation.

I had a game of quiet tennis today.

It’s just like regular tennis but without the racket.

My therapist told me my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.

I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

A father in Iraq gave his daughter a new bag.

She said, “Thanks for the Baghdad.”

What’s an amorous pirate’s worst nightmare?

A sunken chest with no booty.

I’ve just completed a self defense course.

I wouldn’t recommend anyone attack me in slow motion now.

I saw a poster that said, “Have you seen my cat?”

I rang the number and told them I haven’t.

I like to help where I can.

I hate people that always need assurance.

Do you know what I mean?

I’m writing a book about WD-40.

It’s non-friction.

I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife…

But I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.

Why do the guards around Big Ben always look so tired?

Because they’re working around the clock.

What happened to the overconfident lion tamer?

He was consumed by his own pride.

When is the Bible accurate?

When it’s thrown from close range.

What do you call someone who points out the obvious?

Someone who points out the obvious.

A man was drinking the blood of a vampire.

He said, “Hmm, irony.”

I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it was delivered all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

Why does France have so many rivers?

Because water follows the path of least resistance.

Atheism and religion are but two sides of the same coin.

One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales.

Why are Sherlock Holmes’ taxes so low?

Because he’s a master of deduction.

What’s the most common operation in a LEGO hospital?

Plastic surgery.

What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?

The second nightstand.

How do you make Easter easier?

Replace the t with an i.

I just got a bike for my wife.

It was a good trade.

Humpty Dumpty always had a terrible summer.

At least he had a great fall.

Video games let you live out your wildest fantasies.

For example, The Sims gives you the chance to have a stable job and own your own home.

I could never cheat in a relationship…

That would require two people to find me attractive.

Sometimes I tuck my knees up into my chest and lean forward.

That’s just the way I roll.

My wife said she was leaving me because “I can’t do anything right when it comes to housework.”

Selfish woman, it took me hours to mop that carpet.