LaffGaff Archives

I went shopping for cherries and microphones yesterday.

Bought a bing, bought a boom.

Face is a four letter word.

But preface is a foreword letter.

An attractive woman took a seat next to me at a bar last night.

And brought it to a table of friends.

I’ve started a boat building business in my attic.

The sails are going through the roof.

Have you ever noticed the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?

What’s four inches long, two inches wide, and drives women crazy?

An empty toilet paper roll.

I’m not passive aggressive.

Unlike some people.

Sauron is a great name.

It has a nice ring to it.

I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you.

I feel fine and I just had a really tasty leg of salmon.

The job interviewer asked why they should give me the waiter’s job.

I said, “I bring a lot to the table”.

What’s the difference between Russia and reality?

Trump had connections with Russia.

The worst part about working for the department of unemployment …

Is that when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.

How to pirate any movie you like:

Rate it 3.14.

The delivery driver asked me what time it was.

I said, “Somewhere between 8am and 5:30pm”.

I don’t like computer science jokes.

Not one bit.

The swordfish has no natural predators to be afraid of.

Except for the penfish, which is thought to be mightier.

Why don’t helicopters fly in the morning?

Twirly.

In my community we have a neighborhood watch.

It’s actually more like a clock tower.

Prison may be just one word.

But to some, it’s a whole sentence.

I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.

I can also tell when they’re standing.

None of my European electronics worked properly in the US, until I prayed to God.

Turns out they just needed a higher power.

What is it called when two redheads have a baby?

Ginger-bred.

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlor to get a tattoo.

After it wouldn’t wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlor wasn’t there.

What happens if someone steals uranium?

It becomes theiranium.

Why is North Korea so heartless?

Because they have no Seoul.

The women I meet in bars always have the worst pick up lines.

They’re like, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?”

Never works on me, ladies.

I dreamed I had to write my own epitaph.

That’s a grave sign.

How do you make gold soup?

Put 24 carrots in it.

I came home from work yesterday to find someone had stolen all my lamps.

I was delighted.

My neighbor’s in the Guinness Book of World Records for having the most concussions.

He lives very close to me. In fact, only a stone’s throw away.

My wife has a whale tattooed on her butt.

It used to be a dolphin.

I got a parking ticket for being parked illegally the other day and I’ve no idea why.

The sign clearly said, “Fine for parking”.

Cop: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?

Miner: Mine.

Never give a donation to anyone collecting for a marathon.

They’ll take the money and run.

Why was the jazz movie rated R?

Too much sax and violins.

To this day, the boy who used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside”.

My Mom told me I’d never amount to anything because I procrastinate too much.

I said, “Oh, yeah? Just you wait.”

Why did the blonde snort Sweet and Low?

She thought it was diet coke.

Why did Donald Trump marry an immigrant?

Once again, immigrants are doing the jobs no American wants to do.

What do you call it when prisoners take their own mug shots?

Cell-fies.

I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them.

He said, “By mistake?”

I said, “Oh come on, not you as well!”

I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.

I’m ex-static!

What kind of fish is made from just two sodium atoms?

2 Na.

I’ve started a business where I weigh tiny objects.

It’s a small scale operation.

I had a game of quiet tennis today.

It’s just like regular tennis but without the racket.

My therapist told me my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.

I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

A father in Iraq gave his daughter a new bag.

She said, “Thanks for the Baghdad.”

What’s an amorous pirate’s worst nightmare?

A sunken chest with no booty.

I’ve just completed a self defense course.

I wouldn’t recommend anyone attack me in slow motion now.