LaffGaff Archives

This morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.

After 15 minutes of driving on the highway, I realized I left my car at home.

I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible.

I think she must have given me a cold or something.

I put a black hole in my living room.

It’s great.

Really pulls the room together.

What’s the fastest liquid on the planet?

Milk. It’s pasteurized before you see it.

A death row prisoner was told how he was going to be executed.

Needless to say, he was shocked.

What do you call a procrastinating woodpecker?

A would-pecker.

What sound does a 747 make when it bounces?

Boeing, Boeing, Boeing.

My wife is turning 32 soon.

I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked.

I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”

If anyone ever asks you to spell “part” backwards don’t do it.

It’s a trap.

The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters…

So Trump can’t tweet them.

What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air?

A dead centipede.

A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is.

A student puts his hand up and says, “G, miss”.

The teacher asks, “Why is that, Angus?”

A man and his wife are having an argument.

The wife yells, “Get out of the house, I hate you! I want a divorce, get out now!”

Then, as her husband is walking out the door, she screams, “I hope you die a slow and painful death!”

The husband stops and says, “Hang on a minute, now you want me to stay?”

Why did Jesus look so ripped during crucifixion?

Crossfit.

I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”.

I was quite surprised that “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

What do you call a Polish fisherman?

A fishing pole.

How many conspiracy theorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

We may never know the truth.

I told my girlfriend I was named after Thomas Jefferson.

She said, “But your name is Brian.”

I said, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.”

My wife said she was fed up with me always getting my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right.

What do Kermit the Frog and Henry the Eighth have in common?

They share the same middle name.

To teach my kids about democracy, I let them vote on what we would have for dinner.

They picked pizza.

Then I made tacos because they don’t live in a swing state.

Two men are on opposite sides of a river. The first man shouts to the second, “Hey, how do I get to the other side of the river?”

The second guy shouts back, “You are on the other side of the river!”

Yesterday, I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book.

Not only was it embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps.

I saw this great comedian last night. He made the whole audience laugh without saying a word.

No joke.

My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill.

I’ve sent him a Get Well Soon card.

Why do bald men have holes in their pockets?

So they can run their hands through their hair.

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show.

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

I hate people who talk about me behind my back.

They discussed me.

How much room is needed for fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

Some people think that killing animals with helium is wrong.

I don’t judge…

Whatever floats your goat.

A stormtrooper just got sent to the firing squad.

He will be missed.

An inventor shows his friend the first knife ever.

His friend says, “Wow! That’s the best thing since bread.”

The inventor says, “Well, I’m about to blow your mind.”

The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking,

But the invention of the broom swept the nation.

I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon…

I’ll let you know.

I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.

But he’s not buying it. In fact, he’s still making fun of me.

What does the Secret Service say when Donald Trump gets shot at?

Donald! Duck!

They say never go food shopping when you’re hungry.

But it’s been over a week now and every day I just get hungrier.

I like to stand in the corner of my psychiatrist’s waiting room and blow on anyone who walks by…

Most people hate it, but I’m a fan.

How do you cover 12 holes with one hole?

Take a flute and shove it up your butt.

The furniture store keeps calling me back…

But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

Genie: What’s your first wish.

Steve: I wish I was rich.

Genie: What’s your second wish.

Rich: I want lots of money.

When I drink alcohol, everyone says I’m an alcoholic.

But when I drink Fanta, no-one says I’m fantastic.

I just found out my wife has a twin sister.

I saw her on Tinder.

What do you call a bird that’s afraid of heights?

A chicken.

My professor accused me of plagiarism.

His words, not mine.

I used to think I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my imagine Asian.

My girlfriend said to me the other day, “If anything ever happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.”

Apparently, getting stuck in traffic doesn’t count as “anything”.

Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?

Os-Moses.

I steal candy bars using sleight of hand.

You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve.

Which part of America can’t sell full-sized soft drinks?

Minne-soda.