LaffGaff Archives

Why did the nurse tiptoe past the medicine room?

Because she didn’t want to wake up the sleeping pills.

I told my cat that I’m going to teach him to speak English.

He looked at me and said, “Me? How.”

What’s the difference between a bowl of moldy lettuce and a depressing song?

One is a bad salad, and the other is a sad ballad.

Why did the Dad joke cross the road?

To get to the other sigh.

Two dogs are sitting in a bar.

The first says, “Wanna hear a joke?”

The second dog says, “Sure!”

The first dog says, “Knock knock.”

The second says…

“WOOF WOOF WOOF! WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!!”

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elephant Squire had ten sons, but the Hippo Squire was childless. The Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire sent there eighteen sons to kill the Hippo Squire, but the Hippo Squire drew his sword and single-handedly slaughtered all eighteen of them.

And thus, it was proven once and for all that the squire of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squires of the other two hides.

A Dachshund and a Labrador are walking together when the former suddenly unloads on his friend.

“My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Pomeranian and I’m as jittery as a cat.”

“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the Labrador.

“I can’t. I’m not allowed on the couch.”

Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?

He conditioned it.

Why do librarians hate tennis?

Too much racket.

What’s a foot long and slippery?

A slipper.

What do you call an engineer who doesn’t know how to use a calculator?

A project manager.

Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants?

They give him good case ideas.

My neighbour told me he was scared to plant an apple tree.

I told him to grow a pear.

A high school senior visited a psychic.

“I’ve applied to 10 different colleges,” the student said. “Which ones will accept me? Which one will I attend?”

“That is hard to say,” said the psychic. “But you will spend an absurd sum of money.”

“How do you know this?” the student asked.

The psychic replied …

“It’s mostly intuition.”

Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually.

It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.

The barman says, “Why the non-linear structure?”

Quentin Tarantino walks into a bar.

I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, “Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?”

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket so I called him a pencil-necked cop.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he’s so ugly.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the windshield… the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn’t care. My car was parked around the corner.

Paleontologists are having a party to celebrate unearthing the largest ever dinosaur tibia.

It’s going to be quite the shindig.

Jesus was relaxing in Heaven when he noticed a familiar looking old man. Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, “Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?”

“Yes,” said the old man, “but he wasn’t my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens.”

“Very interesting,” said Jesus. “Did this boy ever have to fight temptation?”

“Oh, yes, many times,” answered the old man. “But he eventually won. Unfortunately, he heroically died at one point, but he came back to life shortly afterwards.”

Jesus couldn’t believe it. Could this actually be His father?

“One last question,” He said. “Were you a carpenter?”

“Why yes,” replied the old man. “Yes I was.”

Jesus rubbed His eyes and said, “Dad?”

The old man rubbed his eyes and said, “Pinocchio?”

Which Disney princess spends most of her day on dating apps?

Tinderella.

Professor X asks a girl, “What is your mutant power?”

The girl replies, “I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!”

She points up and says, “3 pulls.”

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

He says, “Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power…”

The girl replies, “Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics.”

Professor X, still standing: “Oh my God!”

What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?

They’re both Paris sites.

Satan arrives to welcome a new damned soul to hell.

“Congratulations!”, he says, “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”

“Well,” the man replies, “At least I’m not a adult living in my father’s basement.”

Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.

Because owning Christians isn’t legal, obviously.

Why is a German stone intelligent?

Because it’s not just a stone, it’s ein Stein.