Joke Of The Day Archives

The other week the police arrived on the scene to find me upside down in my car.

They told me not to be so silly, and to sit properly.

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a Fosters ….. he didn’t like it – I had it.

Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn’t like it so I had it.

It was the same with Guinness and cider.

By the time we got down to the whiskey I could hardly push the pram home.

The other day my wife asked me, “Could you go to the shop for me on the way home from work and buy one pint of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.”

When I got home with 6 pints of milk she asked me, “Why did you buy 6 pints of milk?”

I replied, “They had avocados.”

A man received a text from his neighbor:

“I’m so sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I’ve been tapping your wife, day and night, when you’re not around. In fact, more than you. I’m not getting any at home, but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t happen again.”

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: “Darn autocorrect. I meant ‘wifi’ not ‘wife’!”

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, “How many potatoes would you like Tim?”

I said “Ooh, I’ll just have one please.”

She said “It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.”

“Alright,” I said, “I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.”

An expectant father rang the hospital to see how his pregnant wife was getting on.

By mistake he was connected to the Lord’s cricket ground.

“How’s it going?” he asked.

“Fine,” came the answer,

“We’ve got three out and hope to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck.”

The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous.

But backwards it’s even more stupid.

I got a taxi home last night and when it pulled up the driver said “That’ll be six dollars, please.”

I said “I’ve only got 5, can you reverse a bit?”

A gang of computer fonts walk into a bar.

The barman says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your type here.”

A dog walks into a bar, and takes a seat.

He says to the barman, ‘Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please’.

The barman says, ‘Wow, that’s amazing! You should join the circus!’

The dog replies, ‘Why? Do they need electricians?’

A man walks into a wedding reception.

He walks up to the bartender and asks “Is this the punch line?”

Women can be so ungrateful sometimes.

I made her breakfast in bed and instead of saying “Thank you”, she was all like…

“How did you get in my house?”

Someone threw cheese at me.

Real mature!

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me while he was dying.

It seemed really important to him that I have it.

Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship.

The first one asks, “Have you read Marx?”

The other one replies, “Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

A fish walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “What do you want?”

The fish croaks, “Water.”

A guy wearing only Saran wrap underwear walks into a psychiatrists office.

The doctor takes one look at him and says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

My dad always said to me, “Take it with a pinch of salt.”

Nice man.

Made horrible tea.

I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.

“Are you still holding the ladder?”

I was at a job interview today.

The interviewer said to me, “On your CV, it says that you’re a man of mystery.”

I said, “That’s correct.”

He said, “Would you like to elaborate?”

I said, “No.”

A guy walks into a bar and throws a prawn cocktail at the bartender.

“And that’s just for starters”, he said.

Change is inevitable.

Except from vending machines.

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a toad on his head.

“What the heck is that?” asks the barman.

The toad replies, “I don’t know – it started as a wart on my butt and just kept growing.”

A brain walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a pint of beer please.”

The barman looks at him and says “I’m sorry, but I can’t serve you.”

“Why not?” asks the brain.

“You’re already out of your head.”

These two blondes were going to California for the summer.

They’re about two hours into the flight when the pilot comes on the intercom and says, “We’ve just lost an engine but it’s all right, we have three more so nothing to worry about. It will take us about an hour longer to get there, that’s all.”

A half hour later the pilot comes on the intercom again and says, “We’ve just lost another engine but it’s all right, we still have two more so nothing to worry about. It will just take us an extra half hour to get there.”

One of the blondes turns to the other and says “If we lose the two last engines we’ll be up here all day.”

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up.

One child stood up and the teacher was surprised.

She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?”

He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”

I heard a great joke about a boomerang earlier.

I’m sure it’ll come back to me eventually.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.

Then it becomes a soap opera.

“Now how’s he going to read that newspaper all rolled up like that….?”

Thought the spider.

Words cannot express…

How limited my vocabulary is.

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene…

But that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.

There are 3 ways to get things done:

1. Do it yourself.

2. Hire someone to do it for you.

3. Or tell your kids not to do it.

I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn’t stop counting.

I wonder what she’s up to now.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead decided to compete in the Breast Stroke division of the English Channel swim competition.

The brunette came in first and the redhead second.

The blonde finally reached the shore completely exhausted.

After being revived with blankets and a drink she said, “I don’t want to complain, but I’m pretty sure those other two girls used their arms.”

Inspecting mirrors…

Is a job I could really see myself doing.

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.

Me and some mates have just formed a band. We’ve called ourselves “999 Megabytes”.

We haven’t got a gig yet.

A blonde and a redhead are walking in the woods one day when the redhead suddenly has a heart attack and falls to the ground.

Shocked, the blonde takes out her phone, calls the police and shouts, “Help! I think my friend is dead, what should I do?”

The policeman who answered the phone says, “Ok, calm down and listen to me. The first thing to do is to make sure that they really are dead….”

There’s a silence…

Then a loud gunshot…

Then the blonde comes back on the phone and says, “Okay, now what?”

A six-foot five skinhead was giving me evil looks in the pub.

I said, “Keep looking at me like that and you’ll be spending the night in A&E.”

He said, “I’d like to see you try!”

So I stabbed his wife.

A visitor to a mental institution asks the director how they decided which patients should be kept in.

The director replies, “We fill up a bath and then offer the patient the choice of a teaspoon, teacup or a bucket and ask them to empty the bathtub.”

The visitor then says, “Oh, I see – a normal person would choose the bucket because it’s the biggest.”

The director responds, “No, a normal person would pull the plug out. Would you like a bed near the window?”

I used to think the brain was the most important organ.

Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

I’ve just written a song about tortillas.

Actually, it’s more of a rap.

How do you kill a circus?

Go for the juggler.

It was my wife’s birthday and she rang me to see what time I would be home.

“I can’t talk,” I said, “I’m driving.”

“Where are you?” she asked.

She wasn’t happy when I said, “The seventh tee.”

I’ve lost seven pounds this week…

Or as my girlfriend calls it, “the baby”.

Two jump leads walk into a bar and order a beer.

The barman says, “Ok, I’ll serve you – just don’t go starting anything.”

I submitted a book on confectionery to the publishers.

They said I couldn’t write for toffee…

People say I’ve got no willpower.

But I’ve quit smoking loads of times.

I like to hold hands at the movies.

Which always seems to startle strangers.