Joke Of The Day Archives

I once thanked a French guy to death.

It was a merci killing.

A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit and vegetables​ are grocer.

I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.

It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.

My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

Lovely woman.

Useless surgeon.

My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”.

She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!!”

“I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”

Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?

Because they have a supreme ruler.

While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused.

It must have been the delivery.

As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way…

I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

What does a pulley like the best about its position?

It’s the center of a tension.

What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

I didn’t realize how bad of a driver I was until my sat nav said, “In 400 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out.”

My friend has been a limo driver for 25 years and hasn’t had a single customer.

All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.

How do crabs get around on land?

They use the sidewalk.

Any guy who plays heavy metal at work…

Is office rocker.

If your boss refuses to pay you more money, no problem.

Just accuse them of raise-ism.

I’m addicted to seaweed.

I must seek kelp.

How does Shrek like his eggs?

Ogre easy.

Today at work I beat my boss over the head with a pie chart.

I’ve been charged with a graph-aided assault.

What happened when the escalator broke down?

Everyone stopped and staired.

Where do animals go when their tails fall off?

The retail store.

My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall.

But it was his dumb asphalt.

Why were the Dark Ages so dark?

Because there were so many knights.

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic toy horses stuck up his ass.

Doctors described his condition as stable.

Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have little anty-bodies.

I saw an ad for burial plots and thought to myself …

That’s the last thing I need.

You know Apple is run by men…

When they call it an iPhone 6+ and it’s only 5.5 inches.

What do a stalker and a Pokemon nerd have in common?

They both hide in the bushes trying to get a Pikachu.

I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken.

Met a girl dressed as an egg.

A question as old as time was answered.

The chicken.

I know every single digit of pi.

Just not in the right order.

A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors.

But he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect.

Luckily the judge was lenient as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.

If you need to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, make sure they’re the same.

Then you’ll have a match.

I had to give up my vegetarian diet.

Turns out they’re a lot harder to catch than cows.

A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.

The psychiatrist says, “My god, whoever did this needs help!”

I have a condition that makes me eat when I can’t sleep.

It’s called insom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nia.

Yo Mamma so fat …

I pictured her in my head and broke my neck.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia.

She whispered, “They’re right behind you.”

I’ve started dating a one-legged girl who works at a brewery.

She’s in charge of the hops.

They say childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience.

Maybe I was too young to remember, but I don’t think it hurt that much.

I’ve just been looking at my ceiling and while I wouldn’t say it’s the best in the world…

It’s definitely up there.

I drove my car into a river and watched it turn into a mobile phone.

One minute, a Kia. Next minute, Nokia.

My wife’s such a bad cook she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely it’s not going to rain again today?”

She replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

I guess I left my phone in Airplane mode again.

I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.

I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

3D printers are now printing guns.

That’s nothing though.

I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

What do you call a resistor that can’t afford rent?

Ohm-less.

What do you call 2,000 mockingbirds?

2 kilomockingbirds.

My neighbors are listening to great music.

Whether they like it or not.

I said to my wife, “I need to call the doctor today.”

She said, “Which doctor?”

I said, “No, the regular kind.”

I ordered 2,000 lbs. of Chinese soup today.

It was won ton.