Joke Of The Day Archives

Name a vegetable that’s kind of cool.

Radish.

I called to buy tickets for an Elvis tribute act.

It was an automated phone system which said, “Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show…”

I’m a virgin by choice.

Not my choice, but everyone else’s.

My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight.

I had to explain to him that I was married now and that’s where I sleep.

My landlord said he needed to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.

I told him, “My door is always open”.

I WRITE ALL MY JOKES IN CAPITALS…

THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS.

What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?

I’m a cashew.

Don’t ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

But if you do, you’ll sleep like a baby.

What do you call an unshaven British Spy?

Stubble-07.

What do you call a tick that lives on the moon?

A lunatic.

Why is the ocean so salty?

Because the land doesn’t wave back.

I asked a librarian for a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schroedinger’s cat.

She said it rang a bell, but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.

What is Romeo and Juliet’s least favorite fruit?

Can’t-elope.

Mathematics is 90% common sense.

The other half is intelligence.

I forgot the Roman numerals for 51, 6, and 500.

I am LIVID.

Russia has started a new website that tracks down and deletes pirated movies.

Nyetflix.

I was fired from the keyboard factory today.

I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and be glad that you are alive?

I did and apparently won’t be allowed on this airline again …

The only thing flat-earthers fear …

is sphere itself.

Why is everyone obsessed with that new horror movie?

Like, I was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me, “Hey! Watch It!”

I just joined a gym for religious minorities.

Jehovah’s Fitness.

What gender pronouns does a chocolate bar use?

Her/she.

I’ve been reading so much about the bad effects of smoking, drinking and drugs that I’ve finally decided …

To give up reading.

My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film.

Our dates can be summarized as follows: Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN!

I found a cure for my wife’s insomnia…

All I have to do is express a desire to make love to her and immediately she is too tired to do anything but sleep.

At the zoo I noticed a slice of toast in one of the enclosures.

I asked the keeper, “How did that toast get into the cage?”

“It was bread in captivity” she replied.

You know what they say about grandfather clocks…

They’re old timers.

Edgar Allen Poe is about to walk into a tree and you only have enough time to say one word before he hits it. What should you say to him?

Poetry!

Imagine if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.

There would be mass confusion.

I was forced to swallow purple food coloring.

I feel violated.

My wife says I’m addicted to auctions but she’s wrong.

I stopped after going once… going twice…

What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language.

I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey…

But I turned myself around.

Why could the lifeguard not save the hippie?

He was too far out man.

I went bobsleighing the other day.

Killed 11 Bobs.

A mathematician couldn’t remember if he had been with his girlfriend for 1 year or 2.

But he knew it was <3.

My wife said to me, “You’re shirtless and also covered in… oil?”

I said, “Well, you’re always saying I never glisten.”

My wife said, “Listen! You never listen!”

The girl I like said she’d go out with me if I knew a six letter word that’s a synonym for “calm”.

I said, “It’s sedate.”

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard.

After that, he went downhill fast.

I never knew how technologically advanced Moses was.

But today I learned he had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

I accidentally sent my friend flowers over the internet.

Whoops, E-Daisies.

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives.

I said, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.”

I dunno what this WiFi dude did…

But I’ve seen a ton of bars and restaurants demanding his freedom lately.

I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park.

It’s just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it.

I used to know a psychic with amnesia.

They knew in advance what they were going to forget.

I used to be a member of the secret cooking society.

They kicked me out for spilling the beans.

I recently got a step ladder.

It hurts not being able to see my real ladder anymore.

How do you know if a sniper likes you?

He misses you.

I dreamed I drowned in an ocean made of orange soda.

When I woke I realized it was just a Fanta sea.