Joke Of The Day Archives

At any given moment the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is just a whim away.

A whim away. A whim away.

I just found out my best friend is a communist. To be honest, I should have known.

All the red flags were there.

6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9 but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.

Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?

They just pick it up as they go along.

Why does The Little Mermaid wear seashells?

Because she outgrew her B shells.

My wife has started her own business reading Tarot cards.

She’s making a fortune.

My doctor loves hitting my knee to test my reflexes.

He really gets a kick out of it.

I really love my furniture …

Me and my recliner go way back.

A man is washing the car with his son.

His son asks, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy’s truck leaves him too.

What do you call a waffle on a California beach?

A Sandy Eggo.

The last time I was someone’s type …

I was donating blood.

Why is the army so strict on uniforms?

To minimize casual tees.

I went shopping for cherries and microphones yesterday.

Bought a bing, bought a boom.

Face is a four letter word.

But preface is a foreword letter.

An attractive woman took a seat next to me at a bar last night.

And brought it to a table of friends.

I’ve started a boat building business in my attic.

The sails are going through the roof.

Have you ever noticed the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?

What’s four inches long, two inches wide, and drives women crazy?

An empty toilet paper roll.

I’m not passive aggressive.

Unlike some people.

Sauron is a great name.

It has a nice ring to it.

I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you.

I feel fine and I just had a really tasty leg of salmon.

The job interviewer asked why they should give me the waiter’s job.

I said, “I bring a lot to the table”.

What’s the difference between Russia and reality?

Trump had connections with Russia.

The worst part about working for the department of unemployment …

Is that when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.

How to pirate any movie you like:

Rate it 3.14.

The delivery driver asked me what time it was.

I said, “Somewhere between 8am and 5:30pm”.

I don’t like computer science jokes.

Not one bit.

The swordfish has no natural predators to be afraid of.

Except for the penfish, which is thought to be mightier.

Why don’t helicopters fly in the morning?

Twirly.

In my community we have a neighborhood watch.

It’s actually more like a clock tower.

Prison may be just one word.

But to some, it’s a whole sentence.

I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.

I can also tell when they’re standing.

None of my European electronics worked properly in the US, until I prayed to God.

Turns out they just needed a higher power.

What is it called when two redheads have a baby?

Ginger-bred.

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlor to get a tattoo.

After it wouldn’t wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlor wasn’t there.

What happens if someone steals uranium?

It becomes theiranium.

Why is North Korea so heartless?

Because they have no Seoul.

The women I meet in bars always have the worst pick up lines.

They’re like, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?”

Never works on me, ladies.

I dreamed I had to write my own epitaph.

That’s a grave sign.

How do you make gold soup?

Put 24 carrots in it.

I came home from work yesterday to find someone had stolen all my lamps.

I was delighted.

My neighbor’s in the Guinness Book of World Records for having the most concussions.

He lives very close to me. In fact, only a stone’s throw away.

My wife has a whale tattooed on her butt.

It used to be a dolphin.

I got a parking ticket for being parked illegally the other day and I’ve no idea why.

The sign clearly said, “Fine for parking”.

Cop: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?

Miner: Mine.

Never give a donation to anyone collecting for a marathon.

They’ll take the money and run.

Why was the jazz movie rated R?

Too much sax and violins.

To this day, the boy who used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside”.