Wildest Fantasies

Video games let you live out your wildest fantasies.

For example, The Sims gives you the chance to have a stable job and own your own home.

That’s Very Unlikely

I could never cheat in a relationship…

That would require two people to find me attractive.

Lean Forward

Sometimes I tuck my knees up into my chest and lean forward.

That’s just the way I roll.

Strange Housework

My wife said she was leaving me because “I can’t do anything right when it comes to housework.”

Selfish woman, it took me hours to mop that carpet.

Vacuum Cleaner Spy

If you think your microwave and your TV spying on you is bad …

Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

You Know You Want To!

I have a bumper sticker that says, “Honk if you think I’m sexy”…

When I’m feeling down, I just sit at green lights until I feel good about myself.

So Much Debt

I’m in so much debt, I can’t afford to pay my electric bill.

These are the darkest days of my life.

Don’t Mess With The Wine

My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine.

So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she’s sangria then ever.

Not Much Space Needed

Parking a single car doesn’t need much space.

But parking 200 cars, now that needs a lot.

Silent Letters

The final four letters in the word “queue” aren’t silent.

They’re just waiting their turn.

Not Likeable Enough

My parents read the book I was writing.

They said the main character wasn’t likeable.

It’s an autobiography.

How Many Trees?

My son asked my how you can tell if someone is an alcoholic.

I said, “Do you see those four trees over there? Well, an alcoholic would see eight.”

My son said, “But Dad, I only see two.”

Bank Robber

Give a man a gun, he can rob a bank.

Give a man a bank, he can rob the world.

Wrong Stereotype

People think just because I grew up in the ghetto back in the 80s, I should walk around carrying a big old boom box on my shoulder.

But I refuse to go with that stereotype.

At Least They Listen

“Thank you for calling the NSA…”

“The only government organization that actually listens to you.”

Oldest Computer

The oldest computer can be traced to Adam and Eve.

Yes, it was an Apple.

But with an extremely limited memory.

Just one byte.

Then everything crashed.

Just So You Know!

As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass.

I just wanted to make that clear.

Military And Acid

What does the military use acid for?

To neutralize the enemy base.

A Piece Of Cake?

If you struggle cutting cake…

Is it still a piece of cake?

Carnival Game

Have you seen that weird new Mexican carnival game where groundhogs pop out of holes and you have to smear them with avocado?

It’s called guac-a-mole.

Chessboard Cake

I bought a chessboard cake from the baker’s today.

I took one bite and said, “It’s stale, mate.”

He seemed surprised and said, “No, mate.”

I handed it to him and said, “Check mate.”

Sure To Fail

My friend rang me and asked me what I was doing.

I said, “Probably failing my driving test.”

Thoughtful

I was thinking the other day…

So I shouted, “Thomeone help, I can’t thwim!”

At Last An A!

I finally got an ‘A’ on my essay.

Only 1,999 more words to go.

Every Book Ever Written

Apparently, Kim Jong-un has read every book ever written.

That’s why they call him the Supreme Reader.

French Food

Why do French people eat snails?

Because they don’t like fast food.

Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous

“Hello everyone, and welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I have to say I’m pretty disappointed.”

A Reason For Living

If you’re feeling down, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed.

It’ll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

Let There Be Light!

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, “Let there be light.”

There was still nothing, but now you could see it.

Not Heavy

What’s blue and not very heavy?

Light blue.

Is It Too Hot?

My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her.

I said, “Nah, it’s probably womb temperature.”

Cross-Eyed Girlfriend

I had to break up with my cross-eyed girlfriend.

Apparently, she was seeing someone else on the side.

Really Smart Girlfriend

I left my phone at home so I borrowed my friend’s to call my girlfriend.

She answered, “Hi, honey!”

What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!

Have A Nice Cup Of Tea

My wife left me because I’m too insecure.

No wait, she’s back.

She just went to make a cup of tea.

Clown Face

Yesterday, I painted half of my face like a clown and went for a drive.

I don’t think anyone saw the funny side.

Global Warming

Global warming is a joke.

Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

Rock, Paper, Scissors

I got pulled over by a traffic cop. He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.”

I said, “Scissors, I win…” and I drove off.

He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages.

Just For One Day

I wish I could be ugly for one day.

Being ugly every day sucks.

Dropped My Phone

I dropped my mobile phone from the 21st floor of a building yesterday.

Good thing it was in airplane mode.

I’m A 3D Printer

“Dad, look! I’m a 3D printer!”

“Johnny, close the door if you’re taking a poop.”

Boy Scout & Bicycle Horn Fixer?

What’s the difference between a boy scout and a guy who fixes bicycle horns?

One’s motto is “Be Prepared”, the other’s motto is “Beep Repaired”.