Wildest Fantasies
Video games let you live out your wildest fantasies.
For example, The Sims gives you the chance to have a stable job and own your own home.
Video games let you live out your wildest fantasies.
For example, The Sims gives you the chance to have a stable job and own your own home.
I could never cheat in a relationship…
That would require two people to find me attractive.
Sometimes I tuck my knees up into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just the way I roll.
My wife said she was leaving me because “I can’t do anything right when it comes to housework.”
Selfish woman, it took me hours to mop that carpet.
If you think your microwave and your TV spying on you is bad …
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
My favorite movie is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.
I have a bumper sticker that says, “Honk if you think I’m sexy”…
When I’m feeling down, I just sit at green lights until I feel good about myself.
I’m in so much debt, I can’t afford to pay my electric bill.
These are the darkest days of my life.
What do iPhones eat for breakfast?
Siri-al.
My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine.
So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she’s sangria then ever.
Parking a single car doesn’t need much space.
But parking 200 cars, now that needs a lot.
The final four letters in the word “queue” aren’t silent.
They’re just waiting their turn.
My parents read the book I was writing.
They said the main character wasn’t likeable.
It’s an autobiography.
My son asked my how you can tell if someone is an alcoholic.
I said, “Do you see those four trees over there? Well, an alcoholic would see eight.”
My son said, “But Dad, I only see two.”
Give a man a gun, he can rob a bank.
Give a man a bank, he can rob the world.
People think just because I grew up in the ghetto back in the 80s, I should walk around carrying a big old boom box on my shoulder.
But I refuse to go with that stereotype.
“Thank you for calling the NSA…”
“The only government organization that actually listens to you.”
Conspiracy theories are a lot like moon landings.
They’re all fake.
Is my wife ashamed of my body?
A tiny part of me says yes.
The oldest computer can be traced to Adam and Eve.
Yes, it was an Apple.
But with an extremely limited memory.
Just one byte.
Then everything crashed.
As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass.
I just wanted to make that clear.
What does the military use acid for?
To neutralize the enemy base.
If you struggle cutting cake…
Is it still a piece of cake?
Have you seen that weird new Mexican carnival game where groundhogs pop out of holes and you have to smear them with avocado?
It’s called guac-a-mole.
I bought a chessboard cake from the baker’s today.
I took one bite and said, “It’s stale, mate.”
He seemed surprised and said, “No, mate.”
I handed it to him and said, “Check mate.”
My friend rang me and asked me what I was doing.
I said, “Probably failing my driving test.”
I was thinking the other day…
So I shouted, “Thomeone help, I can’t thwim!”
I finally got an ‘A’ on my essay.
Only 1,999 more words to go.
Smaller babies are always delivered by stork…
But the heavier ones need to be delivered by crane.
I farted in my wallet.
Now I have gas money.
Apparently, Kim Jong-un has read every book ever written.
That’s why they call him the Supreme Reader.
Why do French people eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
“Hello everyone, and welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I have to say I’m pretty disappointed.”
If you’re feeling down, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed.
It’ll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
In the beginning there was nothing. God said, “Let there be light.”
There was still nothing, but now you could see it.
How do you make a car go backwards without touching it?
Reverse psychology.
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue.
My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her.
I said, “Nah, it’s probably womb temperature.”
I had to break up with my cross-eyed girlfriend.
Apparently, she was seeing someone else on the side.
I left my phone at home so I borrowed my friend’s to call my girlfriend.
She answered, “Hi, honey!”
What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!
My wife left me because I’m too insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to make a cup of tea.
Yesterday, I painted half of my face like a clown and went for a drive.
I don’t think anyone saw the funny side.
Why did the feminist fail algebra?
She couldn’t solve inequalities.
It turns out my high school chemistry teacher was right.
Alcohol IS a solution.
Global warming is a joke.
Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.
I got pulled over by a traffic cop. He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.”
I said, “Scissors, I win…” and I drove off.
He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
Being ugly every day sucks.
I dropped my mobile phone from the 21st floor of a building yesterday.
Good thing it was in airplane mode.
“Dad, look! I’m a 3D printer!”
“Johnny, close the door if you’re taking a poop.”
What’s the difference between a boy scout and a guy who fixes bicycle horns?
One’s motto is “Be Prepared”, the other’s motto is “Beep Repaired”.