Joke Of The Day Archives

I bought a blindfold yesterday…

I’m not sure why, I can’t see myself wearing it.

My mailman got a sex change.

I guess you’d call him a post-man now.

Being a waiter may not be a very glamorous job…

But at least it puts food on the table.

My obese parrot just died.

Sad, but it’s a weight off my shoulders.

A recent study has revealed that 58% of marriages end in misery.

The other 42% end in divorce.

I’ve been bored recently so I’ve decided to take up fencing.

The neighbors said they’ll call the police if I don’t put it back.

I had a row with my boss yesterday lunchtime.

One of the perks of working near a boating lake…

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate?

Sorry, my fault.

I’ve started using garlic in my magic act.

First I start by crushing it, adding basil and some pine nuts and then I blend them altogether with some Parmesan and olive oil.

Then… hey… pesto!

Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a supermarket.

How long have you felt like this?

Ever since I was Lidl.

What do you call Iron Man without his suit?

Stark naked.

Why did Thor lose his lightning powers?

Because his father grounded him.

A murderer is about to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand.

Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

What do sad Mexicans wear?

Sombereros.

What club do racist scientists join?

The Potassium Potassium Potassium.

Did you hear about the man with the same first and last name?

It was a Nguyen, Nguyen situation.

My author friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

Still, that’s his story and he’s sticking to it.

My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on.

I don’t know why she got so mad at me.

It’s pretty hard to write on sand.

I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement.

At least I think they’re vegan. They keep shouting, “Lettuce leaf!”

McDonald’s tried to create a beef version of the McRib, but failed.

Hopefully, they’ve learned from their McSteaks.

Driving a golf buggy isn’t as easy as it looks…

But I’ve finally got it down to a tee.

Midwife for sale.

Can deliver.

I went to lunch with a champion chess player.

It took him 8 minutes to pass me the salt.

I prefer cold weather…

But only to a certain degree.

Where do you learn to make ice cream?

Sunday school.

What do you call a melancholy robot?

A sigh-borg.

Why are good thieves so relaxed?

Because they take things easy.

The best job I ever had was as a demolition expert.

It was a blast.

My grandfather was a baker in the army.

He went in all buns glazing.

After trying for a week, my wife just told me that she is pregnant.

She has the worst stutter ever.

My bald surgeon is the most charismatic man I’ve ever met.

He’s a real smooth operator.

I think it’s best to wear two different deodorants, one for each armpit.

But that’s just my two scents.

Police say that the man who fell into a combine harvester while trying to steal it…

Has been bailed.

Every time my doorbell rings, my dog hides in the corner.

He’s a Boxer.

I stubbed my toe and my Mom shouted at me for yelling, “What the duck!”

She was angry that I used fowl language.

Two mice are chewing on a film roll.

The first one says, “I liked the book better.”

I told a girl she looked better without her glasses on.

She said I also look better without her glasses on.

What do you call a game where Germans throw bread at each other?

Gluten tag.

I quit my job to start a cloning business and it’s been great.

I love being my own boss.

To the thief who stole my pillow, know this…

I will not rest until I find you.

My wife has started eating Kinder Eggs for breakfast.

She’s full of surprises.

How much does a dragon weigh?

Depends on the scales.

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

“Yes, we arson.”

A new study reveals that listening to a Queen album might be bad for your health.

Because of the unusually high Mercury content.

I just caught a glimpse of my wife wearing her sexy underwear. This can only mean one thing.

Today is laundry day.

I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.

My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”

I went on a date with a woman whose online profile said she had an “infectious smile”.

She had cold sores.

The doctor said to me, “You have a severe iron deficiency.”

I said, “How did you know? I just walked in!”

He said, “Your shirt is all wrinkled.”

Why did the stingray have a chat with the scuba diver?

He wanted to have a manta-man talk.

This morning, my Grandpa walked into my room with a young bearded guy wearing skinny jeans.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

My Grandpa said, “My hip replacement.”