Joke Of The Day Archives

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me.

When we separated 3 years later, she returned exactly $100.

I lost interest in that relationship.

My wife hates it when our next door neighbor sunbathes topless in her yard.

Personally I’m on the fence.

I said to the doctor, “I feel constepatid!!”

He said, “I think you mean constipated.”

I said, “No, I just had a vowel movement.”

They say you are what you eat…

Today I bought some ready to eat chicken and sure enough, I was ready to eat chicken.

I like dillos, but I don’t support giving them guns.

I would never armadillo.

What do you call an average looking monster?

Mediogre.

I’ve never been married.

But I’ve had a few near Mrs.

A guy walks into library and asks for a book on sea turtles.

The librarian asks, “Hard back?”

The guy replies, “Yeah, little heads too.”

My wife is still mad at me because I accidentally put superglue on her pen a few days ago.

She just can’t seem to let it go.

What do you call a spider with 20 eyes?

Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider.

A mime broke his left arm in a bar fight and got arrested.

He still has the right to remain silent.

There’s a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.

The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.

At what frequency does laughter become painful?

1 gigglehurts.

I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus.

I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”

Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus.

A new restaurant has opened in my town, serving the meat of exotic animals.

I just had the pelican.

It was delicious but the bill was enormous.

“How long have you been chopping wood for?”

“I’m not sure. Let me check the logs.”

How can you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?

One of them is an elephant.

My son identifies as a crescent moon.

I’m worried, but my wife says it’s just a phase.

The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

The doctor told me I had onomatopoeia.

I said, “What’s that?”

He said, “It’s exactly what it sounds like.”

I’ve just got a new job as senior director at Old MacDonald’s farm.

I’m the CIEIO.

My wife has accused me of not having any empathy.

I don’t understand why she feels that way.

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said…

“You know, one would have been enough.”

My friend said to me, “You have a BA, a Masters and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”

It was a third degree burn.

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it were served warm, it would be justwater.

My wife and I have split up over my obsession with horoscope jokes.

In the end it Taurus apart.

My GPS just told me to turn around.

Now I can’t see where I’m going.

I love eye jokes.

The cornea the better.

The doctor said to me, “Your brain seems to have deleted all information about 80s pop music!”

I said, “Yikes, what’s The Cure?”

He said, “Oh my God, it’s worse than I thought!”

My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.

Looks like the boa cons tricked her.

My friends accused me of being tight-fisted, so to prove them wrong I bought them a beer.

Turns out they wanted one each.

My doctor has just diagnosed me as having low blood pressure.

He’s given me a prescription for two Ikea self-assembly wardrobes.

How does an Eskimo build his house?

Igloos it together.

I watched the movie Scarface last night.

It’s quite a misleading title; I mean, the guy knew nothing about scarfs.

What’s the friendliest polyatomic ion?

Bromate.

What do you call birds that stick together?

Velcrows.

Asparagus is a funny word.

It sounds like an Italian guy begging you not to kill someone called Gus.

What has two butts and kills people?

An assassin.

Why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?

Swarm.

A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen.

Upon leaving the man’s apartment, the officer found the man’s bag at the bottom of the stairwell.

It was a brief case.

I rang the bicycle factory and asked to speak to whoever was in charge of wheels.

The person who answered said they weren’t there.

I said, “Okay, who are you?”

They said, “His spokes person”.

I’m giving away my chimney for free.

It’s on the house.

When I was little my Dad used to feed me alphabet soup, claiming that I loved it.

I didn’t really – he was just putting words in my mouth.

I have kleptomania, but when when it gets bad…

I take something for it.

What was Oman called before it officially become a nation?

Oboy.

My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions.

But don’t worry…

I’ll return.

Why can you see the LGBT colours in the sky after it rains?

Because the sun just came out.

Why was the chemist arrested?

He threw sodium chloride at his wife. That’s a salt.

The only birthday gift I got this year was a deck of sticky playing cards.

I find that very hard to deal with.