LaffGaff Archives
A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up.
One child stood up and the teacher was surprised.
She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?”
He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”
I heard a great joke about a boomerang earlier.
I’m sure it’ll come back to me eventually.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
“Now how’s he going to read that newspaper all rolled up like that….?”
Thought the spider.
Words cannot express…
How limited my vocabulary is.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene…
But that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
There are 3 ways to get things done:
1. Do it yourself.
2. Hire someone to do it for you.
3. Or tell your kids not to do it.
I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn’t stop counting.
I wonder what she’s up to now.
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead decided to compete in the Breast Stroke division of the English Channel swim competition.
The brunette came in first and the redhead second.
The blonde finally reached the shore completely exhausted.
After being revived with blankets and a drink she said, “I don’t want to complain, but I’m pretty sure those other two girls used their arms.”
Inspecting mirrors…
Is a job I could really see myself doing.
When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face.
Me and some mates have just formed a band. We’ve called ourselves “999 Megabytes”.
We haven’t got a gig yet.
A blonde and a redhead are walking in the woods one day when the redhead suddenly has a heart attack and falls to the ground.
Shocked, the blonde takes out her phone, calls the police and shouts, “Help! I think my friend is dead, what should I do?”
The policeman who answered the phone says, “Ok, calm down and listen to me. The first thing to do is to make sure that they really are dead….”
There’s a silence…
Then a loud gunshot…
Then the blonde comes back on the phone and says, “Okay, now what?”
A six-foot five skinhead was giving me evil looks in the pub.
I said, “Keep looking at me like that and you’ll be spending the night in A&E.”
He said, “I’d like to see you try!”
So I stabbed his wife.
A visitor to a mental institution asks the director how they decided which patients should be kept in.
The director replies, “We fill up a bath and then offer the patient the choice of a teaspoon, teacup or a bucket and ask them to empty the bathtub.”
The visitor then says, “Oh, I see – a normal person would choose the bucket because it’s the biggest.”
The director responds, “No, a normal person would pull the plug out. Would you like a bed near the window?”
I used to think the brain was the most important organ.
Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
I’ve just written a song about tortillas.
Actually, it’s more of a rap.
How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler.
It was my wife’s birthday and she rang me to see what time I would be home.
“I can’t talk,” I said, “I’m driving.”
“Where are you?” she asked.
She wasn’t happy when I said, “The seventh tee.”
I’ve lost seven pounds this week…
Or as my girlfriend calls it, “the baby”.
I submitted a book on confectionery to the publishers.
They said I couldn’t write for toffee…
Two jump leads walk into a bar and order a beer.
The barman says, “Ok, I’ll serve you – just don’t go starting anything.”
People say I’ve got no willpower.
But I’ve quit smoking loads of times.
I like to hold hands at the movies.
Which always seems to startle strangers.
Bored?
Simply sneak into your local hospital, find someone who looks a bit worried in the waiting area and then walk up to them and say, “I’m terribly sorry – we lost him.”
I had a neck brace fitted years ago.
I’ve never looked back since.
I was tired and bored one night so I went to the bar to have a few drinks.
The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?”
I said, “Surprise me.”
He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
I keep writing letters to myself.
Dear me.
I’m very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don’t know why.
My father was a magician.
Well, not a magician, he just disappeared a lot when we were younger.
I watch so much Netflix that rather than suggesting more shows for me to watch …
It’s started suggesting I go outside.
A bear walks into a bar and says to the barman, “I’ll have a whisky and …
… soda.”
The bartender says, “Why the big pause?”
“Dunno,” says the bear. “I’ve always had them.”
I’ve got very sensitive teeth.
They’ll probably be upset I’ve told you.
My wife said, “Did you know butterflies only live for one day?”
I said, “That’s a myth.”
She said, “No, it’s definitely a butterfly.”
I was in the pub last night and this bloke said to me, “I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.”
I said, “Is that a fret?”
Someone just stole my mood ring.
I’m not sure how to feel about that.
I walked into the bedroom today and tripped over the wife’s bra.
It was a booby trap.
If I’m not mistaken …
Tippex is pretty useless.
Someone ripped some pages out of both ends of my dictionary today.
It just goes from bad to worse!
“Are you serious – I can’t believe you’ve never had a mobile phone?” asked a girl I was chatting to in a nightclub.
“What if your parents died and someone needed to get hold of you?”
“Well that’s hardly likely to happen, they died 6 years ago!” I said angrily.
“Oh I’m so sorry, you still sound really hurt?” she replied.
I said, “Of course I am, I only heard about it 2 days ago.”
It’s always difficult texting someone to tell them a loved one has passed away…
Especially when your name is Lol.
My sister bet me 100 dollars that I couldn’t build a working car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
I love Switzerland.
I’m not sure what the best thing about it is, but their flag is a big plus.
I was at the cash machine the other day when a little old lady came up to me and asked me to check her balance for her.
So I pushed her over.
I used to be in a band called “Sold Out”.
Our gig posters looked great, but no-one ever came.
My friend drowned in a half-empty bath tub yesterday.
And he was normally so optimistic.
I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino. After four weeks they still hadn’t been delivered so I rang them up to see what was going on.
They told me they were still dealing with my order…
A young woman is lying on her death bed close to the end. Her husband comes into the room and gently takes hold of her hand to comfort her.
The woman musters up what’s left of her strength and whispers, “Darling, I must come clean with you”.
The man hushes her, telling her to save her strength.
She ignores him and continues anyway telling him that she hasn’t been completely faithful to him and that she’s had multiple affairs with his brother, father, sister and uncle.
The man replies, “I know darling, why do you think I poisoned you?”
I’m making a graph of my past relationships.
I have an ‘ex’-axis and a ‘why?’-axis.
A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says: “Do you want to hear a funny blonde joke?”
The big woman replies: “Well, before you tell me that joke, you should know something. I’m blonde, six feet tall, 210 pounds, and I’m a professional athlete and bodybuilder. Also, the blonde woman sitting next to me is 6’2″, weighs 220 pounds and is an ex-professional wrestler. And next to her is a blonde who is 6’5″, weighs 245 pounds, and she is a current professional kick-boxer. Now, do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?”
The guy thinks about it a second and says: “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it three times.”
